depressed2005....
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 04-26-2005 - 9:53pm |
I saw your last message a couple of days ago about him calling. How are you doing today?
When I was reading some of the posts to you (and it was good advice - really) I was thinking it's true that the only way to get over this is to start re-funneling our emotions and thoughts back to our H. And looking for support from our H instead of the OM.
However, the *blasted* problem is that the biggest Event in my life, the one that is making me miserable - he doesn't know about! I would love to talk this over with H like he was a close friend but obviously I can't do that. The truth is that usually H does help me feel better about minor problems in our lives - I just wish I could share all this.
Anyway, I know the pain and just wanted you to know we were thinking about you.
*sigh*
WIP

Sounds like many of us "ex-wandering" types are walking the same tight rope with our spouses. We avoid dealing with the problems in our marriage by looking elsewhere for fulfillment. After we realize what a "dead end" that choice was - we come home and attempt to confront issues that our spouses may not even be aware of while we are still mourning the loss of a fantasy life that they likely don't even know (or want to know) existed. Could be a new definition of insanity....
But seriously - can it be done? Can we ever rebuild our marriages without revealling the truth of our Affair? What is the best way to start? Who can share some success stories....
ARTIST
Artist
I know 2 former posters from the boards one late forties the other mid fifties who had problems in there marriage both couples have made huge strides in improving there marriages, in both cases the husband does not know about the affair or I suspect as you said do not want to know, but the point being when the ladies decided to get serious about attacting the problems in the marriage things started to improve rapidly in both caes.
A NOTE: in both cases the XMM had to be removed from there lives to get the ball rolling as long as they were allowed to be there mudding up the water it was next to impossible to focus on there marriages and there own contibutions to the problems in it.
I talk with both these ladies several times a week and there much happier now then they ever were in there respective affairs.
Free
Thank you for thinking about me. I was doing better for a couple days, not great, but better. Tonight I am feeling a lot worse. Funny you should mention about talking to your husband. I tried that on Sunday. I knew he could see that I am depressed and I am losing weight, he thinks that most of it is from worrying about my daughter who has severe depression at times and I have trouble handling it. I talked and he listened, I told him I needed to do this. I talked about a lot of things. I even talked to him about OM (who is his friend too) He knows that OM and I have always talked alot and that he has helped me with my daughter and other problems as well. I listened to him when he was going through his divorce. Without telling my H that we were having an affair, I admitted that I had become too emotionly dependent on OM and that I shouldn't be leaning on him that much. He was just so easy to talk to and I even joked about about you know how he is about a woman in distress. I even told him that it hurt me when OM started dating a woman (who is in big time distress) and that I felt like he shut me out as his friend. How many women could tell their husbands that? He listened and was pretty sympathetic. He doesn't know what to say to me, but he has been treating me very well.
As for tonight, a friend stopped by and he wants me to talk to OM, (he knows we are good friends) because he thinks I that OM is in over his head with this woman and her problems and that he is going to regret it. (Can this get any worse)? I told him that I thought I should stay out of it and that OM was a big boy. He doesn't understand when I always helped my friend before. How can I be objective???? It was very tough to listen to him talking about OM and this woman without showing that I am dying inside. I want so much to talk to OM as just friends, I miss that so much. I know it is a bad idea from everything I read on here. I know it can't work, I don't know how to shut this off. I want to help him and I want him to help me. It's going to be another long night.
Sorry, I guess I was venting again. Are you sorry you asked now? LOL I guess we are just going to have to keep trying to communicate with our husbands. I wish you all the best
Thank you for telling me about these two success stories - would they be interested in coming back to post some advice about how to re-open the lines of communication? I want to reach out to my H and be more open about my needs - I have started but he is already commenting that I am "too aggressive".
I also appreciated your NOTE re: not "ALLOWING" XMM to muddy up the water.
As much as my XMM (and I) would like to hope that it could be possible - XMM is not a "FRIEND" to me or and certainly not to my marriage. OUCH - it still hurts to even type this - but now - I know that I am ready to truly "LET GO".
Thanks again,
ARTIST
Artist
One of them does come by every once in a long while, so if I ask nicely maybe she will pop in she is very nice and has helped people here before, the other will not she has told me she finds reading peoples story to painful for her, she has a lot of remorse for what she did her husband is a real sweet guy he just had some physical problems (ED) due to a work related accident and she was and easy target for a real player in her work place.
Free