Desperate for advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Desperate for advice
13
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 1:06pm
x
Edited 1/28/2005 1:20 pm ET ET by littlesoul2


Edited 2/8/2005 9:34 am ET ET by littlesoul2

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 1:32pm

Hi Little,

I have not gone through what you are, but I can tell you what my gut instinct is saying. You need to take care of yourself first! It is completely unfair for OM to put you in that situation. As hard as it sounds (and cliched) I would let him move on and deal with your issues. If and when you separate from your husband and you still have feelings for OM, then do what you say - check in with him. If it is meant to be, it will be. Also, I know you said you've known him forever, but just as an objective observer I have to say that someone in his 30s already divorced twice could spell trouble. Do you know all of the circumstances of his 2 marriages?

Again, it is never good to run from one relationship into another. (I think) you said you want to be independent and live on your own. It would be much healthier in the long run if you waited a while, established yourself. Do some of the things you've always wanted but couldn't until now. Truly enjoy being your own women for a while. Then maybe the next relationship you enter - whether it is OM or not - you can be confident in yourself and make sure that it is the right relationship for YOU! JMHO

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Namaste

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 1:53pm
j


Edited 2/8/2005 7:00 pm ET ET by littlesoul2
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 2:04pm

I know the child thing is difficult. I am 36 and we tried last year to get pregnant and it didn't happen. I am glad it didn't. It turns out that wanting a baby was really just me looking for what was missing in my life - to have something that was truly my own. I never actually ever wanted to have children until then. We tried for 8 months and finally I realized that it wasn't really what I wanted.

I don't know how important having children to you is, but lots of women in their 40s now are having successful pregnancies. And of course, there is always adoption. Look at all the orphans from the tsunami - so many need good homes :)

If it turns out that in a few years I really do want to have a child, then I was going to look into adoption. I would love a to adopt an East Asian girl, since there are so many girls up for adoption in those countries due to cultural reasons.

Okay, now I am just rambling. Sorry - work is tough to focus on these days. I guess these boards are my new obsession! LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 2:07pm
Hey girl! It's nuttmeg. I second namaste's brilliant advice about giving it time in between to be your own person. I think in an affair our judgement is so clouded that we don't see the forest for the trees. You definitely have some things in your life that YOU have to work on first to become your OWN person. If your marriage is not going to work and fulfill you completely then that is one decision in itself to end it. But I think if you did you would need time on your own to figure out who you really are as a person. Maybe you and OM are meant to be, but if he has been apart of your life for 25 years (and that is pretty profound) than he is destined to be around for at least say 3 more-the time you would need to figure out your place on this spinning ball we call Earth! No one ever truly knows what will happen before we make crazy decisions to start an A or end a marriage. I am very impulsive and tend to jump head first into a lot of things before I truly think of their impact. But I also tend to dwell on the what if's and why didn't I's too. You will never really know until you take the plunge. Start to focus more on who you are and it the answers will come in time. You can do it chickee-poo! I have faith!
(now i am going to re-read this over and over as advice to myself as well!)
~hugs
~meg
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 2:41pm
m


Edited 2/8/2005 7:00 pm ET ET by littlesoul2
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 2:53pm

Yeah, now if only I could take my own advice. ;)

And again, both of you echo my sentiments exactly. Always wondering "what if" and "only if" but at the same time jumping head first into things without thinking it through (like getting a tattoo!) Anyway, maybe we were triplets separated at birth. LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 2:53pm

Are you in T? It has really helped me a lot as well as this message board. My xMM is someone I met in high school over 20 years ago. I still feel sometimes that we will actually be together again someday but not right now. A friend of mine told me that if she had a crystal ball that told me that I would be with my xMM someday for sure, how would I be living my life right now? I thought about that and realized that I would want to be happy NOW and do more things for myself to learn and grow.

I saw on Oprah the other day about couples getting back together after decades apart. One of the ladies was Donna Hanover, who wrote a book about this. It has many stories about high school sweethearts who broke up and got married to other people, had children and then found themselves single again only to hook back up with their first love. One couple got back together after more than 50 years apart!

I'm not saying that we should all hope for this to happen to us (me) :) but I believe that things happen for a reason and if it is meant to be then it will happen when the time is right. For now, we need to go on with our lives and learn from our experiences and grow as a person. I can't keep playing the "what if" game and waiting around. I have thought about and loved my xMM for over twenty years now. I know he loves me and I just need to be thankful for the wonderful time we had together. To know that there is someone else out there that loves me is special, even though it hurts so much sometimes that I can't be with him now.

Dallas

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 3:06pm

I think your tattoo sounds beautiful!!! I love tattoos, I have 3 (girly of course)

Also if we keep dishing good advice to each other it has to sink into at least one of us eventually! I want to drive to New York for Happy hour now!!! LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 3:40pm
c


Edited 2/8/2005 7:01 pm ET ET by littlesoul2
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 3:44pm
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Edited 2/8/2005 7:02 pm ET ET by littlesoul2

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