Desperate for advice on betrayal
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Desperate for advice on betrayal
| Tue, 09-14-2004 - 7:58am |
Well I am married, very young (Im 22) and have been seeing a single man (30) since April who happens to be my husband(28) and my mutual friend. It has all been under cover (the great sex) (the emails) but emotions have escalated and we find it uncomfortable to even be in the same room with eachother when we pretend to be "just" friends around others because we want to be with eachother so badly. I think I love him and the sex is so amazing yet I know this is wrong and I feel horrible for my betrayal, I also read that marriages that began as an affair have a 75% divorce rate! Is this true? So why should I even invest in a relationship with this other guy when it is doomed?
My question is, since he is my husbands friend and "mine" how do I deal with seeing him and the emotions, I will try not to email him, call and such, but he was talking to my husband on the phone yesterday and I wish it was me he was talking to, plus are the below statements true? Please help, thanks.
80% of those who divorce during an affair regret the decision.
My question is, since he is my husbands friend and "mine" how do I deal with seeing him and the emotions, I will try not to email him, call and such, but he was talking to my husband on the phone yesterday and I wish it was me he was talking to, plus are the below statements true? Please help, thanks.
80% of those who divorce during an affair regret the decision.
Over 75% who marry partners in an affair eventually divorce.
The divorce rate and ratio of infidelity are much higher among marriage partners in an affair.
The average affair lasts two to four years.
If an affair becomes public it is doomed.
If an affair replaces the marriage, it is subject to the same emotional stresses as the marriage but is twice as likely to fracture.
An affair prevents binding ties from being formed. Eventually it has nowhere to go. Sooner or later it will suffocate in secrecy.
Affairs die for the same reason as marriage, lack of intimacy.


And that is...
YOU'RE GOING NO CONTACT.
Tell your H whatever you feel is best. Tell him you want time away from that friendship, or that OM has made you recently uncomfortable.. or whatever. Your H's cooperation will be needed. You need to do this.
Step back. Evaluate your marriage. Evaluate YOU. Why you doin' this, homes?
If your marriage stinks, then maybe it is over anyway. If it doesn't, it is worth fighting for. Just because the sex is great w/ OM now doesn't mean that it always will be. Picture him at 40 w/ a beer belly if it helps.
Look inside.
Counseling really helped me, and w/ most health-benefit plans, is covered w/ a co-pay. It may help you. If you decide that route, you can tell your H you need couseling. He doesn't need to know "why". Tell him you're down; I dunno.
Good luck.
(Sex isn't everything)
thanks for your input, it would be so much easier if it was not a mutual friend of ours, even with out planning to I will see him out and about or get messages from him, Do I just decide from now on not to respond to anything he sends me? Or should I respond the next time with...well what should I respond exactly? And like alot of girls, I feel when I have tried to pull away two time before, with email or talking about it it makes him want me more??? Sorry if these are stupid redundant questions I guess Im still trying to convince some part deep in myself that what I have with this guy is fantasy even though it seemed like the best reality I could wish for...I saw jerry springer the other day and thought, Oh my god, I could be on that with my H and his friend! What a wake up call, I want to be a good person and I know that this is cruel and evil even. Thanks for coming back here to share your success story so its not just all people looking for advice from others who dont know the answers themselves.
That Jerry Springer thing. That's good! That's a scary image, but a healthy one for you. Keep that in mind, because you are so right!
When he IM's just don't answer. I would definitely tell him face-to-face (so that there is no written record) that you want "space" "no contact" etc. Tell him that your soul is conflicted on this whole thing. Be honest. He's likely feeling creepy about his friend (your H) too. If he isn't, what kind of friend is he (and is THAT worth risking marriage for?)?
I'd get rid of his email address, his IM shortcut, and anything & everything y'all have ever written (I'm sure you've saved stuff). Ask him to do the same, if he hasn't. He's more likely to cooperate now.. but if things get dicey, I just hope he doesn't black mail you (yeah... I've seen that here before, too) with things that have been written in teh past. Don't write anything you wouldn't want to be in the newspaper.
Your situation sucks. Plain & simple.
Delete his IM. Delete everything. Tell him what you're doing (and not on the phone). He'll argue/disagree... but you control you.
Good luck~!