desperate for help
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desperate for help
| Thu, 09-16-2004 - 8:39am |
well, i thought that seeing om yesterday would help me move on
but it didnt. i still want him.
but it didnt. i still want him.
things with h are not going well. he is tired of not getting
any affection from me. i just dont feel it. i too want to feel
loved by someone.
the little time i was with om yesterday i felt so sexual.
something i dotn feel with dh.
im scared its ending between us. but im not scared of being alone.
we have 2 kids together. i hate thinking of hurting them, but i
cant pretend i feel something when i dont. when we have sex its
just sex.
what is scary too is that i know i will lose in the end. h is evrything anygirl would want. why cant i feel anything?
have you guys ever had these feelings? what do you do?
how do you move on?

Good morning, had a very late night so forgive me if I am more blunt then normal.
Seeing the other man does no help you move on it helps you to hang on and keeps you locked into the affair fantasy\fog, your going to have a very real hard time getting an accurate read for what feelings you really do have for your husband as long as OM is in the picture muddying up the waters, even if being in the picture means just being in your MIND.
At what point did you seem to lose your feeling for your husband, before the affair or after you started getting interested in OM, you need to be honest with yourself when you answer this question?
Free
as you continue to talk/see OM you will not be
able to work on your feelings for your H.
It took me to go NC completely with MM before
I was able to start caring about my husband
and what he was feeling. I had become so emotionally
unattached that I didnt care if I hurt him at all.
And yes affection towards him was the last thing on
my mind when all I could think about was MM and how
I wanted to be with him and not H.
If you truly care about him and know that he wants
to continue on with his plans to get married you have
to let him go..
I know for me as far as my H goes its history that makes me feel the way I do about him sexually. We had sex one time before we got married (at the age of 19) and I got pregnant. Long story short, we barely knew each other, lived in seperate countries...so it was a rough start to a long marriage ( been married 15 years now). I think as wives we view our sexuality differnt with our Hs. THere is so much more baggage there. I felt like with my MM I was nothing but a woman with him, thats what our relationship was about mainly. I wasn't his wife, cook, maid, nanny etc...I was nothing but a sexy, desirable woman...and who WOULDN"T be turned on by that?
I don't have any advice or suggestions for you because I am just starting to go thru this process myself but I wanted to send you some {{{{{HUGS}}}}}}. I don't know your entire story but I wish you luck in whatever decision you make. Are you in counseling, how about H? Just wondering because a lot of people here say that you have to identify the issues and then deal with them to be able to make the M work.
I would say unless you are planning on ending your M then I wouldn't see OM anymore. How did you think that seeing him would help you move on? Just curious because I think it would have the opposite effect for me. Have you done NC with OM? Does your H know anything about your A? Are you committed to trying to save your M or are you only staying for the kids? I'm just asking because I struggled with many of these same questions and still am.
Good Luck and know that you aren't alone and everyone is here to help.
DAF
seeing om yesterday helped me in a way because i wanted to see him
one last time and i got that. the feelings were still there, i
know we are still friends, but we have to move on. he's getting married.
as to counciling. i havent taken the step b/c i dont want to tell
anyone about the a and have it in writing. i turn to the board for
help.
as for dh, i wish i felt sexual with him but i dont. i dont know if that will
come back one day. things right now i know are not going well.
i want to be happy....i just dont know where to begin.
thanks 4 listening
I hear you Sister! I have a sexual side with MM that I haven't had with my H for a while - and hard as it is to admit, I moved myself further from that connection with my H because of MM. I am trying to have more affection for H - and sexual feelings again. I just don't find H as attractive sexually as MM. Of course not! I don't have to clean MMs bathroom, smell his breath in the morning and see how stressed he can get over stupid things. AND...MM can't see those ugly parts in me. It is easy to keep in purely sexual and fun! It is so hard, isn't it? I want MM everyday and I caved this week. I find him more attractive than my husband even.
I went to a therapist today to start working on my marriage. I went alone. We talked about the A and I told her that I wanted to come in and work with my H but I would not tell him about the A and if he asked me I would lie. I wanted to be upfront with her. I believe that if I can move on then I shouldn't hurt him unnecessarily. I have to make peace with the A without crushing him. My therapist totally supports this. You might want to go alone and find a good fit for you (with a therapist) and then work on it later with your husband. It can't hurt!
I left her office feeling strong and like I CAN do this - and I don't feel pushed or criticized in the least. She is helping me figure out what I am getting from MM that I am trying not to let go of and what I can do to work on that with my H.
So, admitting the A in a safe place might be a start and a GOOD therapist will help you with this and without making you feel bad.
Hang in there - it will get better! It has to!
I don't know where you are at in your A. I haven't seen my MM in several
weeks so that is definately helping me get thru this. I know that I might still want him if I do see him so I'm trying not to put myself in that position. Anyway...
I am sorry things are not going well with h. I have noticed that I have not been very affectionate with my h for a while. But he's initiating things and I just go with it. Sometimes I think of MM. I don't feel 'loved' either. But we're married and there are many stages you go through. This is our 18th year.
I too, feel so sexual with MM. It's how he's always made me feel. I don't feel this way when I'm with h. But h certainly was getting all the benefits of it for a couple of years! To me, I have a passion with MM that I never had with anyone else. But I decided that I had to let it go. I experienced it, so now I have to move on.
I too, have children and can't imagine ripping their world apart. Other than the passion missing, things are wonderful. I am not afraid of being alone, but I came to the decision that I would never want to hurt my family. I don't want to get divorced.
I think that you have to look back on things before the A. Were you happy in your M?
I know for a fact that I was, because I even remember the conversation with MM telling him that I was very happy - I said if I wasn't I wouldn't stay in it.
I never got to the point where I didn't feel 'anything'. Have you done a lot of soul-searching about this whole ordeal? I know that it helped me. And I just kept writing down my feelings (still do) and it really helps alot.
Good luck to you. I feel for you.