desperate to let go
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desperate to let go
| Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:02pm |
I am trying to figure out how to end a relationship I've been having for the past year and a half. I am only 21 years old and I am involved with an older man who is not married but has been with his girlfriend for nearly 13 years. It is clear that he has no intentions of leaving her. I honestly believe that he is only with her because he knows she won't leave him. I do not believe that he loves her. Unfortunately I don't believe he loves me either.
I can't say positively that I love him but I do know that I do not have the strengh to remove myself from this situation because I have grown dependent on him in many ways. He is one of my only friends. I can't deal with being second and I know I shouldn't but I don't know what I will do with myself if I leave.
I can't say positively that I love him but I do know that I do not have the strengh to remove myself from this situation because I have grown dependent on him in many ways. He is one of my only friends. I can't deal with being second and I know I shouldn't but I don't know what I will do with myself if I leave.

Lately I've been telling myself not to call him so that I can get used to the separation but I always cave in within a day or two.
Good luck :)
Do you think I need to end it by speaking to him or should I avoid him altogether? I have the feeling that he will be able to convince me to stay if I have to tell him its over.
Honestly I know he isn't the type of person I want to be with because I am not even myself with him...I have practically lost my identity in this relationship. I would never have gotten involved with him if I hadn't just gotten out of relationship. At least I know not to make that mistake again.
Once you do end it it is going to be extremely hard not to give in - the first couple of days weren't that bad for me, it was what came later. All I can say is that the times that I did contact him I was trying to get closure. I didn't get the closure - all I got was having to start at the beginning again. In your situation you would have closure. One more thing - maybe by you ending it you have the upper hand rather then him trying to end it with you. Kind of keeps your pride because YOU ended it.
Good luck! Be strong!
It won't be easy. It will take a lot of strength to keep up the NC. You will have good days and you will have weak days. But ultimately it will be worth it.
I know that I got involved with him knowing full well that he had this other relationship but he always made it seem like he wanted to leave her. It's clear to me that he won't do that, at least not for me and I am realizing that even if he did leave her our situation still wouldn't work because I am not myself with him. I am so different from him and I have changed my personality so much to be with him. I am much more timid and self-conscious.
I did not end things with him today. I just didn't find the words to say it but he could tell something was wrong. I know I will be in his area this weekend but I am going to try not to see him even though it is Easter and I know his son will be asking about me. I forgot to mention that he has custody of his son...whom I am very attached to. The girlfriend is not his mother (another A). As a result of how his child was conceived his girlfriend is not very accepting of the boy. I on the other hand love him as if he were my own. Shouldn't that count for something?
XMM is also 23 (we share the same birthday) and has been married for 5 years (I said in a previous post he got his W pregnant in high school). He admitted that he would not have married her had it not been for her pregnancy but he had to take responsibility for his actions (which I admired!). I was the only person that he has had sex with while he he has been married though he has been physical with two other people. Right there that should tell me/you something - He has obviously cheated in the past, what makes you think that he wouldn't do it again to you if you were with him? (Taking in consideration that your guy has a child to someone other than his girlfriend) His W has taken him back 3 times!!! I know that I would not put up with that and he knew that too. In your situation for his girlfriend to still stay with him despite having a baby to someone else - how would that make you feel if you were her? But, she has accepted that, even though you said that she resents the child. Maybe for him he figures why give up a good thing?? I don't know - I guess that I am just thinking out loud but that is how I view my situation. In a way I am kind of proud that my XMM has been able to recommit himself to his W - maybe the A has forced him to straighten his priorities out??? Who knows. Does any of that make sense? I think part of what I am trying to get at is that he is in a comfort zone too and isn't willing to give that up. It takes alot to do that.
Secondly, losing a friend like that sucked - BAD. Is there anyway that you could stop the physical stuff and still be friends with him?? I do not know if that is possible but I wish that I would have done that.
I think that since you have recognized that you are a different person around him and do not think that you would work out with him, you have already taken the first big step. But now it is the hard part - can you end it and stay away??? I know that I couldn't and I do not know what to tell you to do to stay strong and it hurts bad. I just hope that what I have said may help.