Desperately need support for nc

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Desperately need support for nc
14
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 7:21pm
I am new here & this will be long. My A. has lasted over 12 yrs. I am MW, he lives with GF. It originated at work as intense flirtation/friendship & lasted after I left. We have only has sex a handful of times, it's really a phone/i.m. thing. I loved the attention & feeling so desired but it was always inconsistent. My day can be made or broken by whether he calls or e-mails, it was the same at work-whether he asked me to lunch or not. I feel like I've spent half my life on hold for him and like I'm only existing if I dont hear from him. Sometimes he's hot and heavy, calling alot but there were times in the past when I wouldn't hear from himfor months and then he would suddenly call. Always, anytime after he saw me, he wouldn't call. He used to say because he couldn't handle the guilt, even if we only had lunch. So, it was a catch-22-I'd be dying to see him and really excited but I'd know that after I wasn't going to hear from him for a while. The past few years he claimed to stop feeling guily but continued the NC after we'd meet, but for shorter time periods, claiming being busy etc. I made it crystal clear to him how it made me feel and he'd apologize and still do it. And he'd pressure me to see him, just to see each other and I'd go to all kinds of trouble to do it and he'd rush off after 10 minutes because he said he wanted me so bad & it was too frustrating. I thought I loved him and this year, he finally said he loved me but he wouldn't say it more than once. He said it would make it too hard to be apart. There were other problems too, I would listen to him endlessly about everything but whenever I wanted to talk about my life, he'd cut me right off & say he didn't want to hear it. I probably sound like an idiot, falling for a guy like that but he did have good qualities and I think I was waiting for the day when he was going to tell me that he's been hopelessly in love all along. So, we met again & because I felt like we'd recently reached a new level of trust, we got somewhat more adventerous and then, nothing. No call, e-mail, i.m. After a couple of days, he e-mails that he has a "situation" that he doesn't want to talk about (as usual) blah, blah blah. I let him have it, I tell him that I think he's full of it & just how much he's hurt me, not only this time but in the past and he barely responds so I tell him I'm done. He doesn't even seem to care. So then I apologize for blasting him and tell him I want to be friends just to see if he'll even respond, which he barely does. I am so hurt, after all this time, shouldn't he be apologizing profusely and telling me he doesn't want to lose me? I can't seem to stop e-mailing him and looking for that and it's not happening. I want to behave with dignity and I'm acting like a complete jerk instead. I work from home so I spend half the day looking for him online and half the night. I can't sleep and I'm devastated that I wasted all these years on someone who wont even say he cares. I cant imagine ever feeling good again. Please help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 10:07pm
First off..big hugs and comfort for the pain you are in! I can relate on some levels. I too had mainly an email/phone thing until recently (my A lasted 2 years) and we never had IC but we did have a physical relationship. I too was glued to my computer and cell phone. I could get so sad if he didn't call or email when I thoght he would. In truth MM really was very attentive and we spoke almost everyday. When he ended it was the daily attention I missed the most. I told MM i needed him not to contact me. I knew it would be very hard to do but I knew he'd abide and I could just worry about me. I only said to myself I had to get through one day..next thing i made it through 2 and finally it was a week. Now I am not one of these popel who can do the totaly nc thing. In the last 3 weeks we have spoken twice. I will say if you can do the NC i think it does make is easier in the long run but I am bad with that. Just take it in small steps. Don't think about gettign through a month or a week just get through tomorrow. It is one day! You can do it! Use the board...keep really busy! Just one day will make you feel like you have some control. Then see about FRiday!

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 9:00am
<>

((Hugs)) to you. Wow, 12 years! That is a long time. I was also in a long-term A (5.5 years). And I am here to tell you that you WILL feel good again. Don't waste any more time on this guy! It is time to look AHEAD, not back. Get to work now on getting yourself back. An A is very much an addiction, and you are confusing the occasional "highs" that you got from the relationship with happiness. It sounds like your whole relationship was a pattern of "highs", followed by a period of withdrawal and craving for the next "hit" and you were never in control of any of it. I'm sure you can see what an unhealthy way that is to live, and the good news is -- now is your chance to end that unhealthy pattern.

You must get a hold of your dignity and cut off all contact with him; start by realizing that he is NEVER going to tell you what you are desperate to hear from him. Then take a good hard look at yourself and what it is about you and your marriage that led you into this situation. Do you want to stay married? If so, turn your energies to that. If not, get out of it and work on yourself. Read a lot here -- there is MUCH to be learned from others' situations, including the fact that your A is not unique, nor is the sadness you are feeling now -- lots of us have been in your shoes, so you are not alone. Also, check out some of the books listed in the bottom section of this board!!

I have been Affair-Free for 9 months, and I am a thousand times happier than I was during the A, even though I still miss the occasional highs. The only way I was able to recover, though, was by sticking to No Contact. Take it one day, one hour, at a time. You can get through this! It does take time and a lot of effort on your part, but you will be MUCH better off for it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 9:20am
Thank you both so much for your replies. It IS an addiction; I always knew that but any other time I ever tried to end it, I couldn't stand the pain. I don't want to get back with him-I'll never respect myself if I even stay friends with him. But what I do want and I can't stop wanting is some validation that we did have something of substance and it wasn't a total waste of time. I also want (and this is very childish) him to be really, really sorry that he threw away a special person. I want him to realize what he did and try to contact me, so I can say "Too bad, you blew it". How immature is that? But the fact that he hasn't responded and doesn't seem to care at all that it's over is driving me crazy. I'm going to reward myself for every waking hour that I get through.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 9:31am
toosmart4this

HI

All your WANTS are pretty normal at this stage of things so there OKAY, HIS actions or rather lack of actions are also normal it seems for "MOST" men involved in an affair.

I think it has been proven in almost all cases the friendship thing does not work, don't take this the wrong it is not meant to be as harsh as it sounds BUT when to junkies get high together there not there because there friends there there for the DRUG/HIGH there is no real friendship that is just part of the fantasy.

Kate is right there is only one way to beat the addiction and that is to have TOTAL NO CONTACT with the drug of choice, yes it hurts any withdrawl hurts but it does get better and it does in time give you your life and self back again.

Read lost of posts, post rather then e-mail or contact him, you will find journaling can be a big help to get the emotions out and help you to keep no contact.

I suggest blocking his e-mails and deleting him from your buddy lisat ASAP, delete any retained e-mails from him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 10:30am
I have to confess, I haven't deleted him from my buddy list or blocked his e-mail address. I don't want to contact him, but I do want to see if he will contact me. I know this is unhealthy but I guess I'll know I'm starting to get better if I delete him and really mean it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 4:44pm
OMG TOOSMART!! did i write that??? LOL...I am in the EXACT SAME SITUATION AS YOU!! word for word! Only diff is that me and my best friend/OM met in H.S, not at work. We talk online evey single night, occasionally on the phone, and have only met for sex 3 times. We have known eachother for almost 9 years ad only recently started having sex. I too find myself online CONSTANTLY...and i mean all the time, just waiting for him to pop up. If he doesnt, i get very depressed and my whole day seems to be wrecked...If hes not on when he says he will be (wich is frequently) i get depressed. When we do talk, we have the greatest conversations, although like your om, he likes to talk more about himself than anything i want to talk about...ie my H, my kids, work...anything..but he can go on forever about the party he went to last weekend..it irritates me but idc, as long as im talking to him! After we meet for sex, he also gets very distant and wont talk to me about anything serious for about a week...thats something ive noticed and i hate...(because ALL i wanna talk about is that!!) I too am still waiting to hear those three words, although i dont think they will ever come...sigh...:( but the good thing about us is that we are friends first and foremost, and i think i read into things way too much and make things seem worse than they are. I am much more emotionally involved than him too...i so appreciate all the support and advice given on this board..i would love to try and end this A but dont know if i am stong enough. I dont think i could ever delete him fom my buddy list..that would be hell..but i am here for support and advice on how to lean to cope without him..i want to try, i think im tryin to prepare myself to some extent. please know that i understand..obviously..and if you ever jus want to talk, im here..good luck and stay strong! You will be fine...we all will with time and patience!

WaNNaBeHaPPY2004

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 5:51pm
Well, amazingly he messaged and then called. First, he wanted to keep it casual and just chit-chat but I said no way, I'm in the biggest pain of my life and we are going to talk about it. He keeps saying he hasn't done anything wrong, just busy etc. I say it was a passive-aggressive thing-he had to know that if he stayed away after seeing me 1 more time like that, I would lose it and break it off. I said it doesn't seem to matter to him if we end it or not & he said he cares but he's not going to force me to stay in something I dont want to be in anymore. I dont know, there was no big apology, declaration of love, I've really missed you or even "Don't leave me". I told him I dont know where he stands & he said I've always known he doesn't express emotion & he's not suddenly going to change. He did say jokingly, that he cant be friends without any physical component and I said I'd figured as much, so he said he was kidding but I'm sure he's not capable of being "just friends". And I really thought he was my best friend after all these years of hours long, really intimate phone calls. I left it that I'd like to talk to him more, I know I'm ending it but there are so many questions I want answered-I'd guess I'd like to try to pin him down as to what it was he did feel for me & why he was in it. I was so focused on not crying on the phone that it was hard to know what to say but maybe I'll do better next time (if there is a next time).
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 6:02pm
HI TOO

I think he answered your major questions with his so called JOKE if you think about it a bit.

What a prick.

Free

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 2:48am
<<>>

Friends With Benefits - the Friends bit = A meaningless boink at my convenience

I want to boff your doorhandles off, I just don't want the bother of having to be friends or be friendly to you about it.

Honey, this is a turd in man's clothing...

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 12:49pm
Hugs to you, honey. In reading your post I saw lots of issues that you might need to think about. This isn't about how HE treats you, this is about how YOU treat you!!! You've given him an awful lot of control over you and your well-being, to the point where you admit having a good/bad day depending on his actions. This isn't healthy, honey. YOU, and only you, can make you happy. Relying on someone else is never going to cut it.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, because I really do understand that you're hurting, but you're totally looking outside yourself for happiness. And you clearly chose the wrong person to expect happiness from, but that's besides the point. People will treat you as badly as you let them. First things first. Recognize that he treats you badly and stop setting yourself up for more of the same. He's not likely to magically start treating you any better.

And because he treats you poorly, don't let him rent anymore space in your head or your heart. Enough!!! You should have much, much better than that, and you can, but first you have to disabuse yourself of the idea that this man is worth another minute of your time.

I know, I know, easier said than done. The previous posters have pointed out some hints for keeping this guy out of your mind. Try to follow those suggestions to the best of your ability. Keep posting here - post as often as you need/want to. We'll keep listening, because we've all BTDT. Best of luck to you! Mo.

mo 7-18-10

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