Desperately need support for nc
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Desperately need support for nc
| Wed, 09-08-2004 - 7:21pm |
I am new here & this will be long. My A. has lasted over 12 yrs. I am MW, he lives with GF. It originated at work as intense flirtation/friendship & lasted after I left. We have only has sex a handful of times, it's really a phone/i.m. thing. I loved the attention & feeling so desired but it was always inconsistent. My day can be made or broken by whether he calls or e-mails, it was the same at work-whether he asked me to lunch or not. I feel like I've spent half my life on hold for him and like I'm only existing if I dont hear from him. Sometimes he's hot and heavy, calling alot but there were times in the past when I wouldn't hear from himfor months and then he would suddenly call. Always, anytime after he saw me, he wouldn't call. He used to say because he couldn't handle the guilt, even if we only had lunch. So, it was a catch-22-I'd be dying to see him and really excited but I'd know that after I wasn't going to hear from him for a while. The past few years he claimed to stop feeling guily but continued the NC after we'd meet, but for shorter time periods, claiming being busy etc. I made it crystal clear to him how it made me feel and he'd apologize and still do it. And he'd pressure me to see him, just to see each other and I'd go to all kinds of trouble to do it and he'd rush off after 10 minutes because he said he wanted me so bad & it was too frustrating. I thought I loved him and this year, he finally said he loved me but he wouldn't say it more than once. He said it would make it too hard to be apart. There were other problems too, I would listen to him endlessly about everything but whenever I wanted to talk about my life, he'd cut me right off & say he didn't want to hear it. I probably sound like an idiot, falling for a guy like that but he did have good qualities and I think I was waiting for the day when he was going to tell me that he's been hopelessly in love all along. So, we met again & because I felt like we'd recently reached a new level of trust, we got somewhat more adventerous and then, nothing. No call, e-mail, i.m. After a couple of days, he e-mails that he has a "situation" that he doesn't want to talk about (as usual) blah, blah blah. I let him have it, I tell him that I think he's full of it & just how much he's hurt me, not only this time but in the past and he barely responds so I tell him I'm done. He doesn't even seem to care. So then I apologize for blasting him and tell him I want to be friends just to see if he'll even respond, which he barely does. I am so hurt, after all this time, shouldn't he be apologizing profusely and telling me he doesn't want to lose me? I can't seem to stop e-mailing him and looking for that and it's not happening. I want to behave with dignity and I'm acting like a complete jerk instead. I work from home so I spend half the day looking for him online and half the night. I can't sleep and I'm devastated that I wasted all these years on someone who wont even say he cares. I cant imagine ever feeling good again. Please help.

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Although my A has only been since March, and I can not even IMAGINE how you are feeling after 12 years, I saw myself in every word of your post. Same patterns, both his and mine. I am his pal- that he wants to screw. Nice, huh? Yet I am constantly looking for that next fix of attention. I wait for his IMs and emails. I fantasize about him. We have great little chats until we hook up, then he gets "busy" too. Even after I've gotten to the point that I'm healing and we have NC, he's email me and I feel alive for the first time in a long time. I get absolutely positively high. I know I'm letting this happen and that I will never have control of the situation unless I end it myself and stick to it, but like most of us, I WANT HIM TO MISS ME, to realize how special I am and feel like he should have been better to me. Guess that's a girl thing. But that is all I want.
:(
Here for you always, and please feel free to email if you ever need to talk.
YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!
Seriously, alot of you are saying, what a jerk, you're better than that, etc. and while I know that, it doesn't take away from feeling of rejection and hurt. The emotions are way stronger than the intellect, in fact I've never experienced anything like this and I've had some major losses. I was really unprepared for the intensity of the bad feelings.
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