Desperately need support for nc

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Desperately need support for nc
14
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 7:21pm
I am new here & this will be long. My A. has lasted over 12 yrs. I am MW, he lives with GF. It originated at work as intense flirtation/friendship & lasted after I left. We have only has sex a handful of times, it's really a phone/i.m. thing. I loved the attention & feeling so desired but it was always inconsistent. My day can be made or broken by whether he calls or e-mails, it was the same at work-whether he asked me to lunch or not. I feel like I've spent half my life on hold for him and like I'm only existing if I dont hear from him. Sometimes he's hot and heavy, calling alot but there were times in the past when I wouldn't hear from himfor months and then he would suddenly call. Always, anytime after he saw me, he wouldn't call. He used to say because he couldn't handle the guilt, even if we only had lunch. So, it was a catch-22-I'd be dying to see him and really excited but I'd know that after I wasn't going to hear from him for a while. The past few years he claimed to stop feeling guily but continued the NC after we'd meet, but for shorter time periods, claiming being busy etc. I made it crystal clear to him how it made me feel and he'd apologize and still do it. And he'd pressure me to see him, just to see each other and I'd go to all kinds of trouble to do it and he'd rush off after 10 minutes because he said he wanted me so bad & it was too frustrating. I thought I loved him and this year, he finally said he loved me but he wouldn't say it more than once. He said it would make it too hard to be apart. There were other problems too, I would listen to him endlessly about everything but whenever I wanted to talk about my life, he'd cut me right off & say he didn't want to hear it. I probably sound like an idiot, falling for a guy like that but he did have good qualities and I think I was waiting for the day when he was going to tell me that he's been hopelessly in love all along. So, we met again & because I felt like we'd recently reached a new level of trust, we got somewhat more adventerous and then, nothing. No call, e-mail, i.m. After a couple of days, he e-mails that he has a "situation" that he doesn't want to talk about (as usual) blah, blah blah. I let him have it, I tell him that I think he's full of it & just how much he's hurt me, not only this time but in the past and he barely responds so I tell him I'm done. He doesn't even seem to care. So then I apologize for blasting him and tell him I want to be friends just to see if he'll even respond, which he barely does. I am so hurt, after all this time, shouldn't he be apologizing profusely and telling me he doesn't want to lose me? I can't seem to stop e-mailing him and looking for that and it's not happening. I want to behave with dignity and I'm acting like a complete jerk instead. I work from home so I spend half the day looking for him online and half the night. I can't sleep and I'm devastated that I wasted all these years on someone who wont even say he cares. I cant imagine ever feeling good again. Please help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 1:31pm
Oh, Sweetie, I am hurting for you!

Although my A has only been since March, and I can not even IMAGINE how you are feeling after 12 years, I saw myself in every word of your post. Same patterns, both his and mine. I am his pal- that he wants to screw. Nice, huh? Yet I am constantly looking for that next fix of attention. I wait for his IMs and emails. I fantasize about him. We have great little chats until we hook up, then he gets "busy" too. Even after I've gotten to the point that I'm healing and we have NC, he's email me and I feel alive for the first time in a long time. I get absolutely positively high. I know I'm letting this happen and that I will never have control of the situation unless I end it myself and stick to it, but like most of us, I WANT HIM TO MISS ME, to realize how special I am and feel like he should have been better to me. Guess that's a girl thing. But that is all I want.

:(

Here for you always, and please feel free to email if you ever need to talk.

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 2:35pm
Can I really do this? Because it doesn't feel as though I can. We have e-mailed, spoken on the phone and seen each other over the past 2 days. He has been surprisingly co-operative as far as my request that we completely talk this out and to clarify his feelings. In fact, in the whole A., I don't think we've ever spoken as honestly or openly about our feelings toward each other. He said that he loves me but it seems more as a friend and not in a romantic way but he also did say he will not allow himself to feel that way about any woman and not to take it personally (which I did anyway). I could really see the difference in our feelings because he asked if I think about him in that heart-wrenching "I'm in love" way that you can physically feel, every day and I said yes. He said he doesn't have that, he thinks about me alot but not that way. He also said there's no way he's going to be friends and not be able to be flirtatious because he is so attracted to me and will continue to be, it's just who he is. So of course, I don't see how I can continue with this. I'd always be hoping for much more and never getting it. I just don't really understand why he stayed in it so long, longer than alot of marriages, if he didn't ultimately want a "real" relationship. The no contact will be a real trial, one I'm not sure I can do. I did have to quit smoking cold turkey, I'm not a "taper off" type of person but this just seems so much harder, even taken as 1 hour at a time. I know it's the healthiest thing for me, but most of us don't usually do what's best, we all have our addictions, food, alcohol, cigarettes. Mine is him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 2:50pm
P.S. I must have the biggest ego in the world LOL, cause I'm still reeling from him saying he didn't love me. I keep thinking, how could he not love ME? Especially after all this time, how do you be in this and not be in love? No offense to you guys, but I just can't understand your mindset. You're not just from Mars, you're in another solar system.

Seriously, alot of you are saying, what a jerk, you're better than that, etc. and while I know that, it doesn't take away from feeling of rejection and hurt. The emotions are way stronger than the intellect, in fact I've never experienced anything like this and I've had some major losses. I was really unprepared for the intensity of the bad feelings.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 4:29pm
I am resolved to end it now. I've been thinking about this all afternoon, since I saw him. Naturally, we messed around, we can't keep our hands off each other unless we're in a totally public place. The thing is, I keep searching for signs of love, when he has just VERBALLY told me no and still I'm thinking he's lying to me. And I know this might sound crazy, but when he kisses me, I really feel love in it, I don't know how else to explain it and it's probably what originally started me thinking it was more than physical all those years ago. I think the fact that it's been 12 years is also holding me back. I don't know how to walk away from something so long-term. Still, I keep thinking about what I wrote in my first post-I so want to behave with dignity and keep at least some of my pride and I just cant seem to. What could be more un-dignified than a man telling you no, he loves you but not THAT WAY, and you keep hanging around because how could that possibly be true after 12 years? He evn told me that if he did b/u with his GF, he would want to be with other women and would not just settle in with me and seemed pretty shocked that I had thought he would. He said, what normal man would and I said one who has someone they love waiting for him but the key word would be "love". I'm also pretty blown away that he does not want to leave his GF when I thought he did. I realize people tend to focus on the negative but with all the things he's told me about her over the years, she does not sound very desirable and he's still choosing her over me? I was there before she was, so I think it's not the typical MM saying what a witch his wife is scenario. I remember when he met her and he was really in love (and I was dying then) but over the years, it seemed to have really deteriorated. In fact, at times I even felt this superior "I knew him before she ever did and we're closer and I understand him better than she does", but he's stuck and I'm stuck thing. So, I would say it's time to pack it in and I'm sure you all agree. I am so scared that what I felt for him was a once in a lifetime thing, especially the passion. I never have and dont know if I ever will again experience anything like it. I am not saying I want to divorce my H.-I can't and wont at this point in time and possibly never but, it was like I had this special, secret thing in my life. At times, the guilt and secrecy was a terrible burden, but it was also exciting and fresh and something to look forward to and feel hopeful about. I feel like I have to let that fire burn out but I'm also so sad to see it go; maybe I associated it with youthfulness or a certain kind of daring that I dont exhibit in other areas of my life? And (this is nuts) even though I never want to do this again, I thought wouldn't it be great if he called in a couple of months and I could tell him I was seeing someone else and he was SO sorry that he let me go but too late, ha ha. Then,I thought great, now I'm looking to have a revenge affair. Obviously, I'm not in good mental shape at this point.

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