Desperatly seeking your insight!
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| Thu, 12-17-2009 - 1:21am |
Hi..
I am not sure exactly how to handle what I am feeling right now? I feel so dead inside. An awful feeling I tell you. My tears are all dried out and I dont know what will help me to get through the night. I was doing alot of thinking and sometimes that could be a terrible thing LOL. But I was and I am in a worst position than I was a year ago. Well on a different level. This may sound awful but I really miss how XAP made me feel. We clicked and I miss that. I have posted some bad memories of him but there were also great memories made and that is what is racing through my mind. I really dont know exactly what lesson needs to be learned from this?? I dont know why I let myself get into this turmoil of emotions. I knew that I should've walked away a very long time ago. But I didnt. I really fell hard for him and I developed strong feelings for him. I honestly wish I could put my emotions on paper right now just to give them an outlet; but I just cant find the words to describe how I am feeling. I actually hate using the word "dead inside" but it is closest to describe it. Like I have mentioned in other posts I am displeased with myself in many ways. I am faulting myself for him walking away and going to another OW. Mind you I have told him that I want nothing to do with him ever again. Said that many times. Although I say it I dont mean it. Dont get me wrong, I dont want back into that as I have already come along way. I really dont want to start from day 1 again. Oh gosh NO! At least I have gone through the worst I guess you could say. I mean the RAW feelings. Now I am dealing with so many feelings internally. I question my moral ethics, my values, my intelligence etc. I also dislike my appearance due to all this. Well I did have insecurities prior but they werent to this extreme.
I do have a confession.. as much as I dont want to go back I do want him to contact me :( ... I was soooooooooo close to messaging him tonight. I didnt. I wont. Like I said I have come to far. Question is will it get better. Is this normal? I swear I ddnt have to deal with these sort of feelings in last R that had ended. Are A any different than dealing with R break ups? Please help.. desperately seeking your insight!

I believe,
I think this is an extremely important post for all to read as it's so honest and real.
I, too, miss my xmm sometimes.
Hi IBelieve,
<< I feel so dead inside. An awful feeling I tell you. My tears are all dried out and I dont know what will help me to get through the night.>>
I don’t know much about your situation but the feelings you described could be signs of depression. These boards are great to express how we are feeling and get support and encouragement but if these feelings become overwhelming or debilitating it is time to get some professional help. Are you in IC?
<>
NO! As are very different. They are filled with fantasy which allows us (women especially) to feel safe to pour emotions into them. See my post about “Fantasy with Skin On.” I go into more detail about it there. Also, just a suggestion to read all the comments on threads too because there is a tremendous amount of valuable input in the replies.
Big hugs. I like that you changed your screen name to a posivite one!
E1
Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.
A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Hello ladies.. hope you are all having a great day so far? As for my day.. it was better than lastnight. I am exhausted as I am going on a few hours of sleep. Thank you for your insight that I am so desperately seeking. You know I just realized that not only did I experience the ups and downs in the A I am also feeling the ups and downs out of it LOL. I just want to feel consistent with my feelings. I wish to one day have my heart and head on the same page. One day I suppose (sigh). I am not IC have considered it. I have taken anxiety meds back in April as I was waiting for results for an STD (results returned neg) (the wait was 2 months) so I went absolutely crazy in that time. Yes one of my bad memories. LOL. Anyhoo..
Energy you are so right.. there were good times and yes we were aware of their habits (sexual, lies or whatever they may have been) but I can say that he did make me feel good as well. This A was 2 years plus. It wasnt all sexual, there were a lot of laughs and alot of good talks. But with me condoning all of this doesn't that makes us one of the same?? I think that is why I cannot be angry with him. He is who he is but I let him do what he did to me. Is he the bad guy.. no, he has issues as I have mine. This is what makes my healing process all the more difficult LOL I am seeing things from his perspective and I am taking responsibility for what I did and allowed. God, it would be so easy to just blame and hate him. But I cant.
Empowerment- I just read that post on Fantasy with skin. Makes so much sense. If you could go into my head for even a min I imagine "US" me and XAP laughing, talking, and even paint certain scenerios in my mind of him. Having a family together etc. I imagine how amazing his touch felt and how gentle he was with me. But BUT BUT I have not experienced real life with him as his LIGF has and is. Our times together were "fun" and we all know life is not just about having "fun". When ever I see a photo of him or even just think about our stolen moments together I get these chills. He triggers these feelings in me no other man has ever triggered before. Now that I cant seem to get over. I am so scared that I will compare this to the next person that I meet. I wont be meeting anyone soon as I need to work this out for me. I need to get healthy if I want a healthy relationship with another. I don't want to bring these negative feelings of low self esteem and trust issues into the next relationship.
Going to be a long long road. I'm so sorry if I am all over the place here and not making sense. I am typing whatever comes to my mind and trying to explain how I am feeling. Which makes sense because they are all over the place LOL.
Thank you thank you thank you
Lots of XXXX OOOO's