Determined!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Determined!
11
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 8:35pm

Well, thought I'd start a new thread...partly because my last one has gotten pretty long, and partly because I need to continue moving forward and so time for a different type of thread.

I am determined to beat this. I am no less confused, lost, hurt, crushed, betrayed, shocked and paralyzed with fear than I was. But I can't stay there. I can't tell you how many times I have read and re-read your posts to me. Posts about surviving. Posts about having your lives completely yanked out from under you and you regrouped and got on with things. No contact, or limited contact seems to be an important ingredient. This is going to be very, very difficult for me. He is such a part of my life and neither of us want to NOT be a part. But each time I talk to him, even though we try to keep the tone positive and supportive, what little bit of depression and desperation I had managed to lose comes crashing back. I can see how "out of sight, out of mind" might be the healthiest alternative, even if it isn't the most preferable.

We really haven't had time for any long, meaningful talks. With the MIL's funeral yesterday, all the family around, he has only had the chance to make a quick call today and yesterday. Today he called me and it didn't go very well. He wanted to know how I was. Same answer. I tried to explain to him that although I understood the circumstances w/ no time alone I still felt like he just abandoned me alongside some deserted road and drove off. I was there for him Friday, Saturday night...held him through the pain of his decision. Now I am going through it big time and he isn't able to be there. Wake up call for me. I told him I was trying to get through this but still couldn't understand his change of direction. I was telling him what one of his VM's I had saved from December said (can't wait to get a ring on your finger, have it mean what it should, get on with what he knows we should be doing, that I shouldn't take his lack of movement to mean he wasn't going to, hopes next Christmas will be one spent w/ each other and our family...((at one point we had a mini pregnancy scare, or so we thought and he was devistated that I wasn't...he really truly wanted me to be. Guess it would have been a cut and dried easy way out of the M for him))...etc.) He got a little upset and said something like he felt I was "rubbing his nose in it." He said he has never ever told me anything that wasn't from his heart and how he felt. Of course he was hiding out in his in-law's basement and they all came looking for him so he had to cut it short. I called him back later and apologized for the negative tone. I tried to tell him I want to remain kind to each other and while my feelings were still the same I couldn't wait around for him. But I couldn't get it all out because his father-in-law walked into the office and needed him to go help pick out a headstone.

You know how I felt after all of that talking? Drained, sad and depressed. Depressed to the point of wishing I was the one who had died, not his MIL. My cousin killed himself several years ago and left a estranged W and 2 kids. I WILL NOT be like that. It was the cowards way out and I can't believe I have even had thoughts like that. I've had them more than I would like to admit.

So, I am determined. I don't know all of the how's yet but I need to do something. I went to the health food store and got some St. John's Wort & Cod Liver Oil (don't laugh!)...I am tired of being depressed and crying all of the time I will no longer tell him how sad and devistated and lost I am. I will tell him I am working on moving forward and wish him well on his path of self analysis. He said he made a committment to himself to find out WHY he hasn't been able to walk away from his M to be with me, even though that is where his heart leads him and WHY he can't walk away from me. I will pray for him daily (and try to mean it) that he finds peace within himself, whatever conclusion he comes to.

Fake it till you make it, so they say. Even though I do not feel hopeful at all, even though I am thoroughly lost, I will act as if I'm not. I will fake it. I asked H to come to the movie with me tonight. I'm not sure if the M will be saved, or if I want it to, but I can't really decide that with MM occupying all of me. The M issues are still there, just like before, but I am determined to meet them head on, ALONE, until I know how to resolve that. If I D, I will date again and find someone who won't make me cry. I will believe that it is possible to have the most intense emotional/physical intimacy with someone else, even though MM was the only person I have ever experieced that with.

I will find a new therapist and be honest from the get go about my A, not just the problems in my M. I will work through my own demons until I have conquered them.

Doesn't all of this sound just what the doctor ordered? I don't feel any different and I am still on the verge of a breakdown but I am DETERMINED to not let that happen. Master of my own destiny and happiness. Fake it till I make it.

I will continue to read and re-read your advice. You have been here and it is invaluable.

Billie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: buffalobillie
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 9:06pm

aye I can SO feel your pain - I know it - I've lived it! :(

But I'm being 100% honest when I tell you - you will NEVER move on - you'll never be able to move past your feelings if you continue to have contact with him... even if it's brief, nonchalant contact... because if it's brief and nonchalant you'll wander why and you'll hurt that it's that... and all the questions and whys will return.

If you are truly serious about wanting to heal and get past this - YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG enough to say "no". NOT no to loving him - not no to wanting to be with him - not no to "if things were different" but NO to contact because YOU want to feel better!

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=15481.1&ctx=128

Read that and believe it! Good luck to you - it's a hard battle out of this bunker we've dug for ourselves to lay in... but the view from up here OUT of the hole is BEAUTIFUL and you deserve to see it! :)

XOXO

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
In reply to: buffalobillie
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 10:57pm

hi billie,

pls know that there are a lot more people that love you, u are a very special human being, unique in your own way, i cant say enough how lucky we are to be still alive, have a job, a roof under our hear, food in the table etc ...

u are still alive, pls dont think of any negative thoughts of ending it, it is not for you to end, it is for your to live to the fullest, life is never easy and not fair

i am an orphan, till now i dont know who my birth parents were/are, i was never adopted by a family and i lived in foster homes until i was 18, after that i joined the military to get some sort of structure in my life

i never knew how it feels to have a mom and dad, brothers and sister, cousins etc, i never have that experience, when i was young, i did not understand it all, i just blocked it off when the holidays come, i never had a b-day celebration while growing up, i been moved around foster homes, it was very hard on me, i mostly work as help in the house

my point is , u can do it, i know u can do it no matter how hard it is, yeah im living proof of it, i did not screw up growing up, i got a college degree, worked 3 jobs on the side :) but i have no choice at that time, it was only me, no backup at all, no family to fall back on, no H or W or friends, i work all the time so no friends

i know u can do this, u can do what u want to do, its all up to you, i too am having a lot of difficulties with NC, for some reason this is all different from what my life expreinces are

so pls dont think about ending your life, you have more to give, u are a loving person, think of that someone out there waiting for all that love and caring you have and that person will have love u back in return, love u for what and who u are

take care billie, dont forget to eat and have some ice cream !!!!!

email me if u want, fil_d90@yahoo.com

i dont know who said this "God helps those who help themselves"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
In reply to: buffalobillie
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 10:57pm

BB,
I wish you much courage in your journey. I know you can get there if you try. I am still fighting for my happiness every day. It makes it so much harder having to work with him. It also makes it so much harder having contact all the time. They draw you back in. It's going on 2 months now since I ended the A. Every now and then he will say something to me that pulls my heart strings and starts to pull me back in. But then I stop and think, yea, he is saying all these wonderful things, but where is he still spending his nights??? Not with me that is for sure. That helps me to rememeber why I ended things in the first place and helps me not to take a step backward.

Keep moving forward, yes fake it till you make it! One day you will make it. I was at the low point you are at now a couple months ago. I think I was grieving my A and the end of it before I ended it because I knew what I was going to do. I had thoughts of death also, but I promise you that those will go away. It just seems like alot to deal with at one time, the separation, the ending of the A, everything. All the mixed up feelings. I think you are doing the right thing, be alone for awhile so that you can clear your head.

hang in there. things will get better and better.
(((big hugs to you)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
In reply to: buffalobillie
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 12:54am

Hey there IMA,

I know you are right about the no contact. I can feel the whole thing just overwhelm me when we have talked. I wish...oh, it doesn't really matter what I wish, does it?! Although he and I do not work for the same place, we will need to have contact at some level. It shouldn't need to be very often at all, and can be done in large part through email if necessary, but will require us to talk and see each other at some point.

This is the part I really hate. Trying to wrap my brain around the fact that the person who has become most important to me in the world, outside of my kids, is someone who I am now supposed to just eliminate contact with. It just seems so twisted up.

But I know I need to limit contact as much as possible. You are exactly right about even the most benign conversations stirring up the hurt and betrayal and questions.

Thanks for the link. I printed the "to let go" part and will read it when I need to.

Hang in there yourself, and thanks so much for the boost!
Billie




Edited 4/11/2005 10:51 pm ET ET by buffalobillie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
In reply to: buffalobillie
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 12:58am

Thanks, Max! You are absolutely right and when I start feeling that low that I think I would rather not be here I begin verbalizing and counting my blessings. Three of those blessings are not hard to come up with, either. My kids are what my focus is on. No way would I ever do that to them.

You have survived an incredible amount of difficulty in your life and even though you may not have "family," you have a lot of blessings, too. When you feel down, do the same and start counting them.

And yes, ice cream is great! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
In reply to: buffalobillie
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 1:19am

I think you remember my posts from MAS where I talked about my "soul searching." We discussed the fact that even though they say these words, and probably DO mean them from the heart that they gave us, we WEREN'T the ones they went to sleep with every night. Doesn't matter that they wanted to, the fact is that they didn't. I was to the point that I was going to end it...or at least lay it all out on the line. I did eventually tell him all of those things I was feeling and posted about. I think this is why he finally took a long hard look inside to determine WHY he wasn't following his heart like he kept saying he wanted to. He still doesn't have the answer but this is his way of trying to find it. He keeps saying that "I might be making the biggest mistake of my life, but I am prepared to deal with that if it is. I realize I might be losing the best thing that ever happened to me and that if I decide I can't do this you might not be around. I will face that and have my answer and leave if that is the case, even if it means being alone." What I want him to realize is that I understand and want him to be at peace. But when he says the "biggest mistake of his life" he really should say "the biggest mistake of our lives but I'm not giving you any option or control."

I do realize that part of why I'm feeling so paralyzed and overwhelmed is that I am not just dealing with the end of a forever relationship. I am dealing with that in silence...not like when I was single and could rely on friends and family for support. I am mourning the end of something and I can't tell all those people asking me what is wrong what IS wrong. Add to that the fact that I am finally dealing with 14 years worth of issues in my M, and quite possibly the end of that M. Plus dealing with my kids' emotions about the separation. Plus the busiest time of year by far at work...if I don't do my job and do it well, we receive no funding.

So I have a little clarity about this...I don't feel that my emotions are completely from the end of my R with MM, although that plays the biggest part, I think.

I do have a question for all of you still reading my long, drawn out posts. When I do have to talk to him he will ask how I am doing and will sincerely want to know and help (like he could at this point.) Anyhow...I have always been honest with him. Should that change? Should I tell him exactly how I feel and what he has done to my life? Or should I do like I said earlier...pretend to him that I am fine and am moving past this? Make him think that he has not completely stolen my life away? I can't imagine that he won't see right through me...he always does. I just am trying to figure out how to handle this because it will come up. I suppose my answer could be that I am just not willing to discuss my emotional state with him...I don't want to play mind games because that isn't me. I don't want to get nasty and tell him to quit worrying about me and focus on W since that is who he chose to be with. Doesn't sit well with me. I would be interested in some of your opionions from those who have had to deal with this.

Faking it...hoping the making it follows. And soon.
Billie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
In reply to: buffalobillie
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 5:09pm

Dear BB:

The answer to your question about should you tell him your true feelings is:

You need to tell him that you will no longer have contact with him, that in order to do the healing that you need to do, and to move on with your life, and to let this relationship go--and to stop feeling so sad you need to have NO CONTACT

He has ended his promise to leave his W for you. You are ending the affair. Not him. He still wants to have the affair. You don't. You want all or nothing. YOU are ENDING IT. SO END IT.

You do not want a sneaky relationship with a MM. You stayed in it because you believed in your 'true love' and believed he would leave his W. My xMM TOLD his W all about us and asked her for a D. Yours has not even disclosed the A to his W. You know the rest of my story and unfortunately, yours sounds so similar.

But I CHOSE TO END THE A. If you keep any kind of communication and 'I love yous' that just keeps it going and keeps YOU TRAPPED HOPING. You are right where he wants you to be. He doesn't want you to move on. He is selfish enough to keep you around to make his M more comfortable while he doesn't really work on the M because you are still around. Oh the A WILL CHANGE. You will have even LESS of him than you did before. But if you keep up the contact, YOU HAVE ACCEPTED THAT ROLE TO RECEIVE EVEN LESS THAN BEFORE.

Is that really what you want? This will destroy your soul if you let it.

In NO CONTACT do you still think of him and does the hope stay alive? YES every second for a long, long time until you are finally so tired of the pain that you agree with God to give up hope in order to survive and live again. This is a road you will take ALONE. He will not be there for you on one day. Your true friends will be. Your REAL life and REAL friends and family are calling to you. They will help you. Not him. He is not willing to be a part of your real life, just loved you to make his real life more comfortable, just loved you for how wonderful you made him feel. But---did he love you to take care of YOU, Comfort YOU, never leave YOU or let you down or make you cry? NO.

I got through the painful hell of letting him go and you can too. You will be stronger. You will LOVE AND RESPECT yourself again if you start NC.

I know you will be able to do this. God Bless you on your road. And yes you can find a deep emotional and physical love again and even better a man who is all yours and will never let you go. I didn't think it could happen, but God is so good you should never underestimate his blessings. I hope I can be a light for your future because I promise you it can be beautiful but IT IS ALL UP TO YOU.

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
In reply to: buffalobillie
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 6:18pm

Very well said Survive! I copied it and saved it so that I can read it over and over when I am feeling low and wanting to contact him. It will help serve as my inspiration not to. It will help keep me strong.

BB,
In answer to your question, I can tell you how I felt...I got to the point where I didn't want to open myself up to him any more, I didn't want to tell him how miserable I was, I just couldn't open myself up anymore because he stopped opening up to me. I would help to make him feel better by telling him I missed him, etc, but he wouldn't do the same. It was like I was helping him to cope, but he wasn't helping me with anything. I got tired of that and decided no more. So, if you want to keep sharing your feelings with him and get nothing in return but the same old stuff, do it. But know that it won't change anything. If I were you, I would just start distancing myself. He doesn't get it. He wants to hear that you can't live without him. He may tell you the same thing, but, well you know where he sleeps at night. You will hit your snapping point where you just can't take anymore and you will be done.
take care of yourself and don't be his doormat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
In reply to: buffalobillie
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 11:39pm

Dear BB:

I have to tell you that one of the harsh realities that I discovered as time went on once the A was over and I was still so madly in love and could not understand why he never came for me is this:

He will never be closer to leaving his M than he just was.

He won't have half the strength without you. After disappointing you and betraying the true love, it can never be the same. And every time you see him or talk to him in the future month after month, even after a year when he comes back to tell you he still loves you and thinks of you all the time (and tries to get in your pants) and that his M is still horrible and after 14 months of M counseling once a week he gave up on it helping the M ---- He will be so FAR FROM LEAVING HIS M then after all the soul searching, after not being able to find one spark of love left for his W. His cowardice will have overtaken him completely and he will never be anywhere near close to leaving again.
The chance is OVER. HE MADE HIS CHOICE ALREADY I PROMISE YOU.

I am so sorry to tell you this--but I saw it. And xMM told me he KNOWS that he MADE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF HIS LIFE but he got scared and missed his chance. Don't stay to watch this--it is so horrible. Oh he still loves me in his fantasy way without giving me anything. The love never dies. I know he is thinking of me right now and loves me.

But guess what? AMAZINGLY I am thinking of my NEW BF whom I LOVE and who LOVES ME so much better and unselfishly than xMM ever did.

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
In reply to: buffalobillie
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 12:36am

Boy, there is no way to sugar coat that reality, is there. After I read your post I sat back and really thought it through, long and hard. My first instinct is of course denial. I obviously am still harboring deep inside me the faint hope that he will go through this process and come out realizing he needs to be with me.

But your MM said the exact same things as mine. Exactly. About doing some soul searching, finding inner peace, that it isn't fair to me/us to move forward w/out answering the question as to why he ended up in love w/ me in the first place. All of those things. On the one hand, he is being "firm." He isn't going back on his decision one little bit. But he IS still calling. You mentioned in an earlier post that I should not continue the A with him...I thought that was one thing I wouldn't have to worry about. Because he has said very clearly that he doesn't want an A...he isn't cut out to be an "Affair Guy" as he puts it.

Well, I was WRONG. He called tonight to "check in." Wanted, again, to see how I am doing. I was upbeat and told him I was really fine and tried to keep it surface and not bitter. I don't think he expected that. We made some small talk about work related stuff and he said something about finally going back to work tomorrow. I made a comment along the lines of "I know better than that...ten bucks says you won't go back till Monday." He then said he could think of a lot more interesting things to bet than just $10. I was really caught off guard and had to visualize some of your posts here to refrain from jumping into that mode with him. I didn't let myself go down that road but changed the subject.

So there it is. He was also fishing to hear me tell him "I love you" at the end of the call like always.

Funny how they can make this decision to leave us behind yet somehow try to drag us along in the leaving. What you said makes sense and I see it to be true...but I had not thought about it in that way. That he was as close to leaving W as he ever was or will be. He will be the exact same way as your MM, too. He will "try" although he will not try with his heart because it will still be with me, by his own choice. It won't work, he won't find peace but his fears and insecurities will eat him up. He, too, will know it was the biggest mistake but he won't be able to undo it by the time he realizes it.

Thanks for the undiluted view of reality. I really, really do need that and I am taking it at face value from someone who was in a very similar situation w/ a very similar MM.

Hanging in there and facing more harsh realities every minute...thanks for the insights, again!
Billie

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