Determined!
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 02-23-2005 - 8:35pm |
Well, thought I'd start a new thread...partly because my last one has gotten pretty long, and partly because I need to continue moving forward and so time for a different type of thread.
I am determined to beat this. I am no less confused, lost, hurt, crushed, betrayed, shocked and paralyzed with fear than I was. But I can't stay there. I can't tell you how many times I have read and re-read your posts to me. Posts about surviving. Posts about having your lives completely yanked out from under you and you regrouped and got on with things. No contact, or limited contact seems to be an important ingredient. This is going to be very, very difficult for me. He is such a part of my life and neither of us want to NOT be a part. But each time I talk to him, even though we try to keep the tone positive and supportive, what little bit of depression and desperation I had managed to lose comes crashing back. I can see how "out of sight, out of mind" might be the healthiest alternative, even if it isn't the most preferable.
We really haven't had time for any long, meaningful talks. With the MIL's funeral yesterday, all the family around, he has only had the chance to make a quick call today and yesterday. Today he called me and it didn't go very well. He wanted to know how I was. Same answer. I tried to explain to him that although I understood the circumstances w/ no time alone I still felt like he just abandoned me alongside some deserted road and drove off. I was there for him Friday, Saturday night...held him through the pain of his decision. Now I am going through it big time and he isn't able to be there. Wake up call for me. I told him I was trying to get through this but still couldn't understand his change of direction. I was telling him what one of his VM's I had saved from December said (can't wait to get a ring on your finger, have it mean what it should, get on with what he knows we should be doing, that I shouldn't take his lack of movement to mean he wasn't going to, hopes next Christmas will be one spent w/ each other and our family...((at one point we had a mini pregnancy scare, or so we thought and he was devistated that I wasn't...he really truly wanted me to be. Guess it would have been a cut and dried easy way out of the M for him))...etc.) He got a little upset and said something like he felt I was "rubbing his nose in it." He said he has never ever told me anything that wasn't from his heart and how he felt. Of course he was hiding out in his in-law's basement and they all came looking for him so he had to cut it short. I called him back later and apologized for the negative tone. I tried to tell him I want to remain kind to each other and while my feelings were still the same I couldn't wait around for him. But I couldn't get it all out because his father-in-law walked into the office and needed him to go help pick out a headstone.
You know how I felt after all of that talking? Drained, sad and depressed. Depressed to the point of wishing I was the one who had died, not his MIL. My cousin killed himself several years ago and left a estranged W and 2 kids. I WILL NOT be like that. It was the cowards way out and I can't believe I have even had thoughts like that. I've had them more than I would like to admit.
So, I am determined. I don't know all of the how's yet but I need to do something. I went to the health food store and got some St. John's Wort & Cod Liver Oil (don't laugh!)...I am tired of being depressed and crying all of the time I will no longer tell him how sad and devistated and lost I am. I will tell him I am working on moving forward and wish him well on his path of self analysis. He said he made a committment to himself to find out WHY he hasn't been able to walk away from his M to be with me, even though that is where his heart leads him and WHY he can't walk away from me. I will pray for him daily (and try to mean it) that he finds peace within himself, whatever conclusion he comes to.
Fake it till you make it, so they say. Even though I do not feel hopeful at all, even though I am thoroughly lost, I will act as if I'm not. I will fake it. I asked H to come to the movie with me tonight. I'm not sure if the M will be saved, or if I want it to, but I can't really decide that with MM occupying all of me. The M issues are still there, just like before, but I am determined to meet them head on, ALONE, until I know how to resolve that. If I D, I will date again and find someone who won't make me cry. I will believe that it is possible to have the most intense emotional/physical intimacy with someone else, even though MM was the only person I have ever experieced that with.
I will find a new therapist and be honest from the get go about my A, not just the problems in my M. I will work through my own demons until I have conquered them.
Doesn't all of this sound just what the doctor ordered? I don't feel any different and I am still on the verge of a breakdown but I am DETERMINED to not let that happen. Master of my own destiny and happiness. Fake it till I make it.
I will continue to read and re-read your advice. You have been here and it is invaluable.
Billie

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People come into our lives for a REASON or a season... and when WE LET THEM, they either make us extremely happy or break our hearts!
When animals get hurt, they regress until their wounds are healed and strength is regained.
We can't end a relationship until we ARE willing and ready to totally walk away. No IFS, BUTS or ANDS. Period!
Stop analyzing! Stop crying over spilled milk that you can't put back into the glass! Life is too short and these OM/MM/OW/MW are NOT worth our time and energy!
The sooner we accept it, the sooner we start the healing process to a healthier and much happier life!
Been there, done it and it's AWESOME!
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