Dharma, are you out there?
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Dharma, are you out there?
| Thu, 04-22-2004 - 12:17pm |
Hey girl! I noticed I haven't seen you around the boards in a few days and you were struggling a bit in the last few weeks. I just wanted to send you some hugs and positive thoughts. Please check in when you have a chance and let us know you're around. Love, Maureen


Thanks for your message. eh, I am having a rough few days here, but I believe its more due to the intense inner work I am doing. I have been reading more about co-dependency and inner child stuff. Now mind you, many years ago I did similar work relating to other issues in my life...and that was at a time when the whole co-dependency/inner child movement was in full swing. John Bradshaw had his own series out...and it was in "vogue" to say you were co-dependent or healing your inner child. I am not one to usually follow the latest pop psychology--and I felt it became just another "in" thing to do--so I dropped it for a while.
However, in desperately trying to heal from this affair and to re-examine my abusive marriage, I've had to go back to the roots of this: Why did I get involved with exMM? What was so attractive to me about him? Why did I allow myself to go into this knowing that it would only have a bad result? Why have I stood for the emotional/mental/verbal abuse from my husband for 15 years? What attracted me to my h in the first place?
At the same time I was thinking about these things, I came upon a website that I think I posted to you---a combination of co-dependency, grief, inner child, 12 Step recovery and spirituality---all meshed together in a healing experience. For probably the first time, the light bulb is going off about co-dependency stuff and it makes more sense this time around. But doing inner work is also very, very difficult----hence my quiet on the board.
What I have realized about my marriage: that I was attracted to my h due to my very dysfuntional upbringing and that in a way, I participated in my own victimization with abuse. NOT to say that I DESERVED to be treated this way, but I again and again, handed my power over to h. I was responsble for my own actions...but for many years I had this expectation that HE was to make me happy, to take care of me, to nuture me. This was MY job NOT his. So, right now I've TAKEN BACK my power and he will not have it again. I wrote up this very legal-like contract that I called a "marital agreement"...in it I listed all the behaviors that are absolutely UNACCEPTABLE to me--and I said that these behaviors must "cease and desist immediately and permenantly". I also said that this is NOT saying that I am agreeing to work on the marriage right now, but it is what is necessary for me to stay right now...and that I still am working on my own stuff and I may decide NOT to stay in the marriage. I told him he has the choice of either accepting or rejecting this....but I would not budge from what I need. Then I made him sign and date 2 copies. One for me, one for him. He hedged a bit, but I told him without it I was out the door----and that I wasn't trying to control him but set some very firm and definite boundaries and NOT mislead him. If he could not accept it, that was ok, and I would accomodate his choice. Well, he wants me to stay more than anything, so he agreed. However, I do not know if I can proceed at this point...there is SO much water under the bridge--and I don't know if I can recover, ever. He has done so many hurtful things that it will permenantly alter the way I see and view him--and I don't forsee a loving relationship, one more like a partnership/room mate. I don't think that's really fair to him, but its his choice, right now.
As for the affair and exMM, this is what I see: I think he probably spoke, on some level, to my inner, very wounded, self. He is a very kind and compassionate person...and if I had to pick a mate with certain qualities--he matched them all. I think, too, that I wanted 'rescuing' from my situation--as I was drowning in the marriage. He reminded me of things I had lost about myself over the years...and I became very unhealthly attached to him. I became somewhat "delusional" about our friendship, always drawing it into a more romantic realm. He told me from the beginning he was NOT having an affair...and then I chose to lie to him and say "Ok, we'll just be friends", thinking that it would change over time (like I have that kind of power??? lol). Eventually I did "wear him down" and we did have a few episodes of IC, but it was never without the angst of our actions. It was just wrong, and we both knew it. When we first met, I "fell in love" with him...but I knew that that is just a feeling and NOT the work of real love. Real love is HARD. So, to be honest, I have NO IDEA what I feel for exMM. But I came to the conclusion that IF I do love him, the best thing I can do is to let him go and allow him to be where he needs to be...that is with his wife. I think I initially loved him in a selfish and controlling way...in a way that I wanted to "own" him for my own desires and wishes.
I'm not sure where I stand these days on love....what I thought was love with my h was abuse....what I thought was love with exMM was illusion. I don't KNOW what love is anymore...other than the love I have for my children, which is primal and feral.
Right now, I'm trying to finish up my LAST Master's class...I have 3 weeks and then I graduate! (yippie!) The divorce action that I took, I have placed on hold because it was causing so much inner conflict that I couldn't concentrate. I believe, too, I have a Federal job lined up (as an investigator--LOL!) that will be intense and with travel, but GOOD pay.
I have NO idea what I'm doing some days, or which direction to go in. I try meditating and reading The Language of Letting Go. I'm trying to exercise more and allow my mind to be during my early morning walks. I'm also trying to limit my time on the boards---since I use them as a total distraction from the pain. I'm crying like crazy because I feel such grief and loss.
And yet, every morning and every night, begins and ends the same way...as it has since August 15, 2001....with exMM. Now, in the mornings I say a prayer for exMM that he is happy, healthy and in a good place. In the evenings, I say the Serenity prayer. And I wait for time to heal my wounds.
So....that's where I've been. LOL.
dharma
One more thing...I'm sorry for my last post being so self centered...I totally forgot to send out BIG HUGS over your last post or two....the first about your son, being so ill and wanting to escape to exOM and to the 'grieving post'.
I'm glad to hear that your son is doing well....and of COURSE, you want to escape to OM...but keep in mind, its an escape and NOT reality.
As for the grieving post...darned if I KNOW the good way to grieve this thing. I suppose yelling at the spouse for something totally unrelated doesn't count, does it? lol. I just cry a lot in the shower and when I go to bed at night. I'm trying hard to refocus my mind on better things...and when thoughts of him appear I just tell myself "I'm not going there right now...maybe later".
dharma
Dharma, you've done a lot of inner work! I am very proud of you for doing that. You are a strong person and deserve better than what you've had. You have made some very good points here. You've made a heck of a lot of progress since I first saw you here. Congrats!!
Hey, congrats on finishing your Master's, too! And, on the great job you will soon be doing. I think you'll make a terrific investigator.
Well congrats on finishing that course and lining up that job as an investigator. Personally, I was always fascinated with the idea of a career in the FBI. Probably not as a field officer (is that what they're called?) but in more of an analysis capacity. That's my forte - taking small pieces of information, breaking them down even further, and examining them from different perspectives. I totally can't deal with information over-load or pieces that don't fit together (I guess that wouldn't suit the FBI afterall, huh?). I need to have all the pieces and figure out WHY they fit together, if that makes sense. Anyway, best of luck in that experience. I'm jealous!