Did he ever lie to you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Did he ever lie to you?
5
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 5:14pm
I never thought (or at least strongly suspected) my xMM was lying to me at the time we were together. Now that we are no longer seeing each other I have my doubts. I have had a couple of other people (innocently - with no idea of the affair) tell me how they thought xmm and his wife are happy. He and I still talk. In fact, I have asked how he and wife are doing and he responded "ok, just chugging along, going through the motions".

I know toward the end of the A he lied a little about being really swamped at work, conflicting plans at home etc etc. His wife began suspecting and I think he, and really both of us, had just had enough of the lies, disappointments and as you all know, all the other garbage that comes along with an A. I think he wanted to make me angry enough to initiate the break up - which I had done before a few times but we always ended up back together.

Just for background, XMM told me within a few weeks of the A that he loved me, could see himself spending the rest of his life with me (we had known each other through work a couple of years prior to the A). I do know that these were not just words. You can truly tell by the way someone looks at you, touches you and treats you how they feel. He also told me he would probably be leaving his wife before the end of the year. I know now he was reacting more out of anger and frustration with her than being actually ready to divorce.

I am married as well, and never expected (at least in the beginning) for him to leave his marriage. I was also making no promises - we both knew if we left it had to be based on the marriage, not on our relationship). Anyway, he told me things about his wife that he said left him with little respect for her, that he no longer loved her and in fact had told her that. She had even asked him why he had not left and he responded "because of the children".

I guess I'm wondering if you can really believe what the MM tells you about his feelings for you and his wife. I thought it was real at the time but now I wonder.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 9:53am
rachel~

You know the funny thing is....exMM never spoke poorly of his wife. He alluded to some things, but NEVER said a bad thing about her. Probably the worst thing he came close to saying was that "she was limited" (emotionally---she was not a open person); and at times "she was selfish" but followed that by "but I guess we can all be selfish from time to time". I know that they got married because she was pregnant, and she spent the first year telling him how MUCH she HATED him...but he was coming out of a first marriage when they met (he was young 23) and didn't want to be divorced for a second time. I know she also had an affair a few years back...he caught her with the yoga instructor at their home, but she would never discuss it with him.

In fact, towards the end of our relationship he said that though she was limited, he still viewed her as a good friend and never wanted to hurt her. He also said, repeatedly, that he was NOT leaving his marriage (but I never so much implied or asked him to).

The sad thing is...I never knew where I fit into this...was I just a fling? some way of stepping outside of himself? payback for his wife's earlier affair? or was I the "right person at the wrong time" as he once told me...but like Bridges of Madison County, his marriage is not bad enough to tamper with? I dunno.

But I also believed he was honest.

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 1:26pm
Rachel

Funny that you should start this post because I have been thinking about whether or not he was lying more and more. I know that XMM and his W weren't truly unhappy - they had their differences but I know that ultimately he loved her and she loved him. As I have said XMM got W pregnant in high school and they got married as a result. Sometimes I wonder where I fit into that picture and why. I do not know if I was the escape for the life/chances that he didn't get to have?? XMM occasionally said things about her (she complained alot and he wasn't happy with her) but I know that he was happy.

Initially I never thought of my relationship with XMM as "love" but I was shocked when he told me he was falling in love with me. I do believe that he was genuine at that time but like you said - eventually the realtionship just became too hard. There was also a point where he was going to leave his W and kids but the thought of that scared me to death. I think that perhaps if circumstances (I was still living with my parents and in graduate school) were different he would have left her. Later on in the A after she found out and gave him the option of leaving he claimed he only stayed because of their kids. Not that I did want for him to leave her but why did that all start to matter then? What about before?

What upsets me is I know he was genuine and I think that that is what makes it hurt so much more. I often think that it would be easier to deal with now if I knew that he was just using me but I am almost positive that he wasn't. We both had an emotional & supportive attachment to each other.


Edited 5/13/2004 1:29 pm ET ET by yella103

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 1:48pm
Yella

Your situation sounds similiar to mine - although I am also married (it doesn't sound as if you are). I'm just curious as to how your relationship ended?

Sometimes I think about sitting down with him one last time just for closure - talk about the relationship, what we were thinking, what we learned from the A and each other - but for some reason I think he would be bothered by that. I think he would agree to have lunch or something but he would probably be more annoyed than anything if the conversation turned to talk about the relationship.

He just started out soooooo fast and pulled me right along with him. I have asked him about that before - kinda like what were you thinking back then? And he answered " I guess I wasn't thinking. He had told me that he had never fallen for someone so quickly and so completely before me. And like I mentioned in my earlier post, I do believe that. I just wonder sometimes if it just burned out for him just as quickly or was it truly that he knew he couldn't leave the marriage when it all came down to it. I'm not sure if knowing the answer would help anything - but just curious.

I do question for myself whether the feelings of love were real or were they just fueled by the circumstances.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 2:40pm
I was thinking that our stories kind of were similar as well. Click on the link below to see my whole story. I have to say that things have gotten alot better since I wrote this but the thoughts are still there but the emotion isn't there as strong.

The times I contacted him after his W found out the second time were because I was hoping that we could discuss things so that I could have closure but he has made it more than clear that he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. This is what hurts me the most anymore because when we were together he had the "touch, look, feel" (like you said) that you know that the things were said and done were genuine and now he wants nothing to do with me.

The few times that I was able to try to talk to him he was annoyed by the conversation. I guess at this point now I just have to swallow my pride and accept that he wants nothing to do with me. Often though, what scares me the most is I am afraid that I will never have the type of relationship that we had with anyone else and that holds me back from moving on as well.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=13182.1&ctx=128

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 7:28pm

Ok, this is just Sean's (dh)