Did I do the right thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Did I do the right thing?
2
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 10:18am
For anyone who doesn't know me, I'm unhappily married with kids and had an affair with a married man (no kids) that started as him being desperately in love with me for a year and me finally entering into a physical affair with him because I thought I would never find someone else (including my husband) who loved me as much as this man did. Plus, he was moving a thousand miles away, and I feared if not now, then never.

Not long after he moved away with his wife , I was surprised to see that his life seemd to be just going on without me. Sure, he would call and email daily, but I could tell that his focus had moved from me to his new life. And it hurt. It felt like he was breaking our "relationship contract".

Long story short, it went from bad to worse, he never really seemed comfortable with phone sex (!), and our relationship went back to being an "emotional affair". But I was not so comfortable with that anymore because we were teasing ourselves, and we struggled a lot with setting ground rules and boundaries.

Then his WIFE found out - about the emotional affair, not the physical. He said he was going to use the opportunity to get separated, and then two days later he was begging her to not leave him!!!! He says he was scared of losing his reputation of losing his life as part of a married couple.

I think he probably realized also that he and I could never really BE a couple in real life as I am 10 years older and already have kids and have had irreversible surgery to have no more kids. This notion pissed me off because he had spent an entire year telling me that I was NOT too old, that the fact that I had kids did not matter to him, that he loved me and my kids deeply, blah blah blah. End result: he started "rebuilding" with his wife.

BUT...at the same time....he refused to get rid of me. He went through all sorts of manipulations to make it seem like he had, even going so far as to present his wife with a print-out of PRETEND emails between us saying goodbye!!! And we went right on with our friendship. So, there he was rebuilding while telling me he loves me and needs me in his life. And there I was, feeling frustrated and angry because when it comes right down to it, I am still not getting what I need.

Last night, I finally realized that there is nothing about this relationship that can make me happy as it stands now. Sure, it made me very happy in the past. Sure, he had promised me all sorts of things that seemed romantic and wonderful. But the promises turned out not to stand up to the test of real life, and the past was the past. In the present, what I had was a passive-aggressive, lying, cheating man who couldn't exist in his marriage and couldn't make me happy either.

So, I did the only thing that seemed to make sense...I told him that I did not want us to fight anymore, and the only way that I saw that happening was taking some time and space. That meant that I was going to be "laying low" for a while, and that I would "miss" him, but it was better for us in the long term. I never used the words "no contact" because if I did, he would think I was trying to scare him or shock him, and he would react defensively by begging me not to do this and to stop saying hurtful things. Instead, I told him that I am not abandoning him and that if he wants to or needs to speak to me that I would be happy to talk to him, but that for now, I needed my space and was going to busy myself with the things that make up my life. I did it this way because it is less harsh and this way, there is almost NOTHING to argue with....I am saying, basically, that I am going to lower my own intensity without abandoning him. But logically, after reading this, he is going to feel compelled to take it down a notch himself. And my guess is he will probably feel relieved to be freed to do so. Sigh...

In truth, what I am hoping is that I can get distance and get over him and move on with my life to something less painful and tortured. I suppose on some level, I am also hoping that removing myself from the equation will give him the chance to need me the way he did before he GOT me. But that deeper-seated hope is kind of self-destructive because I know this man well enough now to know in my heart of hearts that he can pursue and pursue and pursue, but once he gets what he wants, he becomes passive aggressive and withholding.

Any thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2003
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 12:59pm
Hello lotusflower, buttercup here....oh my heart goes out to you, because you sound so much like my inner thoughts and turmoil I am going through, if you get a chance please read Initiated NC today, MM devestated, gosh wish I woudl have done it in a more tactful way, instead I left him down, dropped him like a hot potatoe, now he is devestated, upset and I feel bad also, as we promised each other a long time ago, we would always find a way to if things come to an end find peace and stay friends....so even that I am not able to offer you any advise, as I am a mess myself, and am in a holding pattern right now, to see if , what his next step will be (knowing him , I am single, for 3 years almost and knowing how caring he is, I know he will honor my wish and go along with it for my sake, since he knows he can not really give me what I want, him 24/7 that would be)...but to be honest I put myself in distress right now...and it seems like this unbelievable battle between being true to my heart and my brain talking reality is gettings it's best of me.

if you ever need to talk you can email me if you would like ec08082002@yahoo.com

Sending you a huge hug (my computer is creeping, and I only come here once in a while for comfort to know I am not out there alone)...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 4:07pm

Hang on a minute.

Iknowitstime

(and so do you)