Did I REALLY want it to be over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Did I REALLY want it to be over?
6
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 9:47am

Wow.  There have been some great replies to posts lately regarding letting go.  Rather, as usual, your reply to Kittery’s post about planning for a difficult day has me thinking.

Did I want it to be over?  I am pondering this.  I was tired of feeling second, I was angry that he lied to me (those lies of omission are the worst!), it wasn’t going anywhere and I was tired of feeling isolated and having to be/live a secret.  I felt cheap.

These things propelled me forward, out of the A.  But, I have not let go.  But I’m working on it!  I de-activated my FB this week in a huge effort to let go.

I don’t have any wonderful “a-ha” moment to share right now.  But this all has me thinking a lot about this letting go thing.  I have been “fooling” myself thinking that the NC was the end-all to be-all.  As Daisy said in another reply recently, the NC is one thing, the letting go is another.

I read an article that talked about NC becoming something you want because you no longer want to be part of a crazy thing like an A.  It may start as something we NEED to do in order to get clear on things and start the process of letting go, but it’s only when we really WANT it that we know we’ve let go.  And that’s probably when indifference comes too.

I know I am not there yet.  But I intend to continue NC (obviously) because I believe, in my soul and from what I have learned here from those that have come out on the other side, that NC has to be part of how we get there. 

Maybe the other parts include digging deep into ourselves, our issues.  And being grateful for what we do have.  And for some, counseling is part of it too.

I long to get to the letting go part.  And I appreciate all here who share their experience on their journey to getting there, and I am especially grateful for those that share who have reached that point and are truly happy…out of the A.

~Sunrise

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 10:22am

Mornin' Sunrise

You're getting there...you really are.  

You are so right...NC may start off as something we have to implement in order to get out of the mess, but when we use the time wisely...and as time and distance begin to work their magic, we will eventually find that we actually WANT NC.

Similar to AA.  Some people go only because it was a court order, or perhaps their spouse gave them an ultimatum.  They are there not particularly because they want to be. But they sit and listen, and eventually someone's story reasonates with them, or the further they get away from drinking, they start to feel better all around...and now, they stay because they WANT IT.

Glad to see you posting in :)

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2011
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 11:10am

Hi Sunrise,

Wait till you get to the point where you start realizing you were also giving crumbs, making someone else feel second, and lying by omission. Making xAP be a secret. Making it clear that this relationship couldn't go anywhere. Living a lie. Making yourself cheap.

I was angry at xAP for a long time. It helped me keep NC and it helped me feel like the better of the two of us, especially since he took up with someone else and did it right under my nose and with someone who was in my house playing music every week. Did he do it to get revenge on me because I wanted out, did he do it because he never refuses an offer? Who knows? Maybe some of both. But I was happy to assign myself the victim's role.

Only there's always enough blame to go around. And every time I felt high and mighty about what HE did to ME, I realized I had done it to my H myself, if not to xAP as well. There's no good way to be two people's one-and-only. You end up giving only part of yourself to both. The only good that came of this is that I realized I can't live that way and that I cannot love or respect myself unless I can live my life with integrity.

Once I got that, it started to get easier.

Also, my xAP hasn't fished like yours has. (If he had, early on, I think he would have reeled me back in. I was lucky.) And once I got my social life straightened out (which as you know was not at all easy), my professional life and my musical life started to take off. I think I was so stuck in the A-hole for so long that it took up all of my energies, mental and artistic.

Things have improved so much that now I'm having to work on my guilt at leaving xAP behind to his miserable little life. (OK, I don't know the details, and my mantra is "I'll know when I'm supposed to know," but from the little I've heard, things are not real good for him.) But see, I had the potential of a good and happy life all along, and the A was holding me back. All the things I had once been interested in were put aside during the A.

Thich Nhat Hanh says, "There are thousands of paths that lead to happiness, but you have accepted only one. You have not considered other paths because you think that yours is the only one that leads to happiness. You have followed this path with all your might, and so the other paths, the thousands of others, have remained closed to you."

Open them!

--Bird

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 12:25pm
great post Birdie, I am struggling now with so many of the things you mention. I just can't seem to get unstuck, even as I have moved forward in so many things. There's no contact and no fishing and 6000 miles between us, so I should feel lucky, but instead, I am still in LimboLand.
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 9:37pm

Chances are that if someone is here, they have gone through some or all the different phases, and there are many different phases of ending. No contact just being one of the phases. Stopping the hanging on to the fantasy is another.

You and I wouldn't be here if it was easy and it all ended in one day. I have been at this for a long time now, closing in on two years NC.

It took me a long time to just get into the NC phase. I stumbled, I fell, and I back-slid, so many many times. We both played the part of fisherman. If people only knew how lucky they are when no one fishes. Like children, we bemoan ourselves, that we have it so tough.

I too thought I was in love. I was the one in our A, who wanted to give up my M, my home, my family and it was all fog. All the craziness drove me to finally do it, to go NC and stick to it. I just had to get out, to keep my own sanity. Looking back it all turned out to be lust, and a gigantic ego stroking. Just as sure as I had true feelings, I am sure that she did also. BUT, it just wasn't real enough, true enough to be sustained in the real life. Clarity spoke it well today in a post.  We all know it; it's just admitting it that is hard.

I still have battles internally with myself, triggers, special events, and of course the daily habits that I acquired during that time of the A that I haven't broken yet, that still haunt me. You just can't just erase them from your mind. They have a way of hanging on the edges of our emotions.

I am not at the point of indifference yet, and maybe never will be. I don't care. What I don't have is the desire to get involved with her again. I was only getting those crumbs, and that’s what I was giving away. I won't go back to that type of life. I won’t lower myself to that.

I often talk about the fantasy. The fantasy of what you think it could be, in your mind.  The thing we all forget is that it WASN'T that way at all.  You can spin it any way you want but it is all the same. We want something that we don't have, and probably could never get. We think it is happiness but it isn't. If we are truthful, it hurt. It hurt us physically, and mentally and it hurt all those around us. Besides family we abused friendships, and workmates.

I am hopefully headed towards indifference, but right now I am at acceptance.  It is just another phase in the ending process. It has taken me longer to get here than I ever expected, but I'm not in a race. I don’t have anywhere to go.

I know what it was. That is the acceptance part. I don't want to live my life that way. 

It takes a lot of things to make it. It takes time. It takes determination. It takes attitude.

I am hoping the new year brings that to us all.

RatherBeMe

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2001
Sat, 01-05-2013 - 3:41pm

Everyone, this exactly the distinction I've been looking for!  Yes, I need NC but I am not ready to say I want it over.  I don't want my personal fantasy to disappear.  I have never wanted to leave my family for him, nor did I want him to leave his for me.  But I still wanted the excitement and butterflies my imaginary love gave me.  I don't know if and when I will get to indifference, but aceptance sounds perfect enough for now.  I told my T that I know in 2 years I will be ok.  I need to believe there is an end in sight.

And yes, I miss what could have been becuase I am certain I don't miss what it really was.

I am still trying to find my triggers that keep me hooked.  I have moved forward, even if it doens't feel  like that.  I am trying to be bith truthful, assertive, confident, but also hopeful that I will be ok.

NC right now is needed, I hope it will become enjoyed to eventually not even seeing it at NC, but rather the way one sees the lack of contact one has with a childhood friend that one doens't even think about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2011
Sun, 01-06-2013 - 10:53am

 Great posts they all made me have more strength. :) I can say I am not at indifference but acceptance aswell. I am learning alot about my triggers. xap keeps fishing but he isnt getting anything from me.  I also have been extremely ill with an infection and everytime I leave or go outside he comes out and asks me if he can help in some way. He has offerend to get me stuff. My other neighbors think that he is being kind but what they dont know.. He had one of his "women" over this weekend and I actually laughed because she looked like a prostitute LOL. At least I had a good laugh out of it. I am learning that this NC is working. My M is coming back together my DH and I are starting to bond again it's great! :) Be strong we are all worth more than crumbs! :)

Peace love andie