Did NOT expect this turn of events...
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| Wed, 03-16-2005 - 12:02pm |
Hello all. I have been pretty quiet lately, mostly lurking and posting responses on occassion.
It has been 3 1/2 weeks since MM ended things. I posted quite a bit about the fact that he still wanted to have me in his life somehow. All of that generated more than a few responses about the importance of NC. Well, I guess I had my own version of NC...my version was that I wouldn't contact him but if he contacted me we would visit. Plus we do need to communicate on occassion for work related matters, although not too often.
So for the past 3 1/2 weeks I have been struggling with mourning the R and dealing w/ the emotional upheaval, trying to figure out what to do with my M (still separated), etc. MM and I had been planning on working towards being together full time.
In the past 3 1/2 weeks I have really tried to decide about my M. The problems have always been there but I just always stuck my head in the sand. A week ago or so I talked to H about M counseling. I thought that MC would help with the decision...could things be repaired or not. I guess I felt that if we went and ended up D, I would feel that I tried everything (my reason for trying everything was completely for the kids' sake.)
In the meantime, MM and I have talked close to every day by phone. I hadn't seen him at all. The calls were very hard to explain...we talked like nothing had changed in part (still saying we loved or missed each other) but had a strained quality to them...both of us were trying to distance a bit and trying to figure what our R was now.
Last week MM was really pretty mean. It is a long story but it had to do w/ his jealousy over a colleague in the field doing some work at my office. MM knew that this man was interested in me. MM was out of town for a meeting and had called me. I was telling him about the work this guy was doing. MM was just nasty and catty. I flat out told him that I can't help it if someone is interested but that the interest wasn't reciprocated. I also said it shouldn't matter to him because he was supposedly working on his M and "gave me the boot." We had several very frustrating conversations that week.
Meanwhile, I had finally started convincing myself that his choice had been made, regardless of how we felt it was made. No turning back. I was taking steps...not NC, but I wasn't initiating (rarely), I broke down and deleted all of the VM's I had saved, etc.
Then this weekend happened. He called Sat. like usual, normal conversation. Sunday was different. He has off and on told me how much he misses me and how hard this is. But Sunday was different. He called me 4 times in under an hour. He said he needed to hear my voice and he needed to see me. The tone of the call was that he couldn't do this and he missed me and needed me. He said something about hoping I hadn't "moved to far ahead." I was confused...it sounded like he was deciding he couldn't walk away after all. But I didn't want to assume too much. And I really, truly did not think that we would be together again, even though a part of me hoped we would. But we agreed to get together.
Well, we got together yesterday. Lets just say we spend 4 hours together. Lots of talking, lots of other things. We seem to be right back to where we were before. This visit was more of a "homecoming" type of visit. While we talked, we didn't really talk specifics or future. It was more about how the past 3 1/2 weeks have been hell, etc. We are getting together again to talk about things. He made the comment that he is very confused, emotions all over the place, but that he hadn't been able to walk away from me. He said he feels very sure that there is some plan in place for us. What that is? I don't know.
So here I am, on one hand so happy. On the other, confused and scared to death that the whole thing will happen all over again.
I know some of you have been in these shoes...ended things to do the "right thing." Ended up back together. My question: how many have had the getting back together become permanent in some way? Part of me thinks that he couldn't walk away because we were still in contact almost daily. Although we kept it less personal, we still talked and personal sentiments were still expressed at times.
Thoughts?
Befuddled Billie

BB,
I don't remember your story and I'm short on time here to look back at the archives, but from what I just read, you are still in an affair no matter what light you hold it up to. Are you both married? A possibly double betrayl here if the spouses find out?
Separation and then divorce. Those are the steps you both need to take if this so called love affair is ever going to see the light of day through honest eyes. Right now you are simply fooling one another, and if he is the one who initially called it off, he is showing little or NO respect for you and your marriage by contacting you, and seeing you. I don't give 2 hoots how much you are drawn to one another, it's majorly wrong and someone is going to get burned. It's only a matter of time...
JMHO,
Id
Yes, we are both M. I have been separated for six months. Separate issues, but obviously being involved with MM had some impact on that situation, although H and I were headed that way before MM and I.
Yes, MM ended it. We planned on being together...yada, yada, you've heard the same story a million times. But when push came to shove he just didn't have it in him to walk away...walk away from kids, feeling responsible for W, the comfort zone, all of those things.
Since then we have both held that it was done...at least what it was. We were trying to find new ground, find a way to remain friends. Much like Jen's story. We never talked about "what ifs" or "we'll try and if it doesn't work we will be together." No time lines, nothing. But we did still talk. We still expressed how difficult this was, how hurt we were, etc. And at times we would let each other know we still loved each other. So, were we still in an A? I didn't feel we were, but we were still communicating. Splitting straws? Maybe, I don't know.
I suppose meeting with him and essentially starting things up again was a huge mistake. I suppose we are just delusional. And that is what I am afraid of...being hurt again (still), all of the unknown.
And yes, you are right. Unless things change it is wrong.
Billie
So what has changed that you will not find yourself getting DUMPED again sometime down the road when he is feeling gulity for screwing his childrens lifes over or what ever caused the last split ??
Sorry but your going to be back here again sooner or later, save yourself some time and pain and say I'M done and start NO CONTACT of a personal nature.
Free
Dear BB:
BTDT many many time. There is no 'turn of events' he hasn't left his W. he is just having his cake and eating it too and you are letting him
Survive
I agree with free, who's to say that if he did leave his W that down the road he wouldn't have so much guilt that he would leave you once you totally give your heart to him. That's what happened to me, I held back b/c I didn't think he would leave but once he did and they weren't together for a couple of months, I let my guard down and fell head over heals for him. BIG MISTAKE. Jan 1,2005 he said he thinks he gave up too soon on his marriage and his feelings had changed for me practically over night. They must have changed before then but I didn't see it. I would get out now if I were you. I see lots of pain down the road. If he was that into you he would be gone and D by now. From now on, if a man wants to be with me he's gonna have to jump thru some hoops.
Goodluck
LilRocket
That is what I am afraid of. I am afraid that he came to this conclusion, will make a decision to move forward with me and then down the line freak out.
But I'll be honest. I am also afraid that I could possibly be losing the man I love. After all, although rare, it does happen. NRE is with his OW and from what I can gather here, happily married. I realize that he went through some serious soul searching and his story is not mine, but still...
I am a realist, though. I know you and Survive and Jen have been down this road. But would you have done anything differently? Really and honestly? Hindsight is valuable, but at the time you were taking a chance on your love. What if it had turned out differently?
Anyhow, I am very cautious. I really do not plan on being a doormat or putting my life on hold. And Free has a valid point. I might very well be hurt, but I am hurting already. I know what you are thinking and I am determined not to let things fall back into an A that has my life in a holding pattern. I also don't want to live with my head in the clouds either. And part of my staying grounded involves hearing experiences from each of you here. And that is very much appreciated. And a spade needs to be called a spade. Maybe I am nuts but a part of me feels a need to see where exactly this would go before I have closure no matter how it ends.
:::Sigh:::
Billie
From reading your post I am getting the impression that you are still in a triangle: you, MM and your husband.
I'm not sure which "getting back together" relationship you're referring to at the end of your post as becoming permanent. For either relationship to be permanent, I believe you'll need to end the other one. SO, if you want your marriage permanent you end the affair and work on the marriage. If you want the affair to be a permanent relationship, you end the marriage. While it may sound simplistic, the reality is that you will continue to bounce one relationship off the other and flounder somewhere in-between continuing the "what-if" game until you make