Did you "Affair Down?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Did you "Affair Down?"
17
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 7:25am

I read an interesting article about men who cheat and that they often "affair down." Here's an excerpt:

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Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 8:22am

Hi Always,

I've read that before -- an anti-"OW" slant.

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 8:49am

I think that the key to all of these things is "what's missing" or different.

What's missing from your life, your marriage, or

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 9:06am

You nailed it Rather. There was a lot missing from my life and my marriage. The "good" that came out of my A was that I realized that my (now ex) H would never be able TO fulfill what was missing WITH me. I have learned so much the past several months - mainly that happiness and fulfillment have to come from within. The available man that will come along some day will be icing on the cake. :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 9:09am

Alwayst,

Thanks for posting that. While my ex-ap wa ssingle, I have to say my H was superior in almost all ways except ex-ap did not criticize and he was a minimalist.

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 9:12am
This is a great post, Always. I have read something like this before and I just find it interesting. Thinking about my xAP, I certainly "affaired-down". My H is intelligent, sensitive, and committed, where xAP was lacking in common sense, indecisive and extremely selfish. Everything was about HIM. My H is super shy and reserved, and xAP is just the opposite, so I think that this is one quality I went after...a very shallow quality, however. I learned that the qualities my H possessed are really the qualities that I am desiring - I do NOT want a selfish pig who lives to please himself and truly lives in a sty (he is single and does not clean his apartment, he actually got used to me doing it when I was with him and then I woke up to reality - this is NOT my husband and I am NOT his cleaning lady!) wow. The level I stooped to was humiliating, embarrassing and very, very disgusting. Hope everyone has a good Wednesday...take it one day at a time! Hearts <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 10:20am

Rather, I really appreciate your input and agree totally with what you said. Of course we are all missing something otherwise we never would have entered the A.

What I found interesting is the thought of "affairing down." I never thought about that while in my A. Like most of us, I was filling my need for......hmmmmm....that's what I'm trying to figure out. Some of it is obvious--attention, excitement. Of course, there are other needs I thought were being met which are hidden underneath the obvious. What boggles my mind is how awesome I thought xAP was. Powerful, dangerous, someone to respect (gag). It's quite a moment when a woman realizes her AP was just a man.

Bodhi, your honesty in what you discovered is what frightens me the most. What if I figure out that my DH of 28 years will never be able to fill what's missing from my life? Am I willing to live with that? Will I fill that void in other unhealthy ways (perhaps another A). I don't want to start all over in life, but I don't want to die of boredome or become a serial cheater.

WWWM, I also appreciate you POV and agree that the article was written mostly for the BS. The strongest point I took away from the article is that

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 10:45am

Always -

<<>>

Those are good questions to ask yourself. People make choices. My XAP obviously chose to stay in a M that was nowhere near what he wanted. I was not willing to give up my time on this earth living with a man that was just "there". I love conversation. My ex was extremely introverted and never talked. I love challenges and excitement - he was content with the way things were. He never stood up to me. He was wonderful in a lot of ways, but I never felt like he was my partner. I used to envy people I worked with that would say things like "I talked to my husband about that" I never had that - I did with XAP. And I WILL have that with "future man".

<<>>

I hope to God your answer to this is NO.

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Starting over in life would be much better than the latter. You have some soul searching to do. :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 11:19am

Always,

Hi.

Hijack alert:

Ugh...I absolutely hate reading statements like this:

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 11:32am
Bodhi,
My marriage sounds a lot like yours was. This is the bottom line for me. This is where I have some of the deepest digging to do. WHAT do I want from life and my marriage. I definitely know there are things about myself that I need to change and I am willing to work at getting that done. I can't change my H. I am hoping after some constructive IC that we can get some better MC and once and for all decide whether to continue to stay married or admit that it is time to move on. *Heavy sigh*
Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 11:40am
Flying,
I like your reply and disection!! As in a lot of articles (and horoscopes!), one can read many things into it and identify themselves with what they want to be identified with. I always try to keep an open mind on many subjects and I love debates!! This article gave me some pause for thought. For me, it just boiled down to xAP not being "all that," which is what I built him up to be. I don't mean to demonize him at all. It's just that I realize also that he never was the solutions to my problems, no matter who or how great he was. KWIM?
Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.

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