did you get rid of everything?
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| Wed, 06-01-2005 - 7:21am |
When you ended your affair, in addition to strict NC, did you throw away the cards, the gifts, the little reminders of the affair?
Please help me. I told him it was over yesterday. He chose his wife, so I asked him what I was supposed to be doing while he stayed with her. He told me I was supposed to be waiting for the future. Sure. He told me I was the impatient one. Right. A year and a half, and I'm the impatient one. Those are the things I remember about yesterday. During that year and a half: his wife got suspicious, he rented a place to leave, but then chickened out of leaving. He gave his wife a 50th birthday party, took her on a nice trip for her birthday. He told me he loved me, and that we would be together. What a fool I was and am. I'm a pathetic person. The really sad thing is giving up on those stupid dreams of being together. They were never going to happen. I followed my heart on this. I ignored all of those little instincts and intuitions that told me NOT to follow my heart. I feel like my spirit is broken. I feel like I'll never be the same again.
Sorry for the rambling.

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Hi Birdie,
I offically ended it May 1st but really, its been rocky for the last 6 months waiting for MM to file and now waiting for him to get divorced. As of today due to a long story which I won't repeat, we are not a couple. To answer your question, I got rid of things on my computer which I could easily access like emails and pictures. I put away cards and regular pictures like I would any relationship becasue it hurt too much to have them within eyeshot. Depending on how I feel about a relationship determines what I do after its over. I still have some pictures and cards from my exhusband for example. Regarding MM, I still presently have the cards and pics but the cards were full of promises and hopes for our future which I am now viewing as lies since when push came to shove, he is risking our relationship's future - so I will most likely throw them out in the future - probably when I get involved with someone else. Bottom line, I wouldn't want a new love to see reminders of my affair.
Ivy
Dear Birdie,
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You are very wrong to call yourself a fool and a pathetic person in the present tense, you are in fact a very smart woman for stepping outside of your A box and seeing it/him for what it/he is. You are absolutely taking the right action.
Copy your post and put it somewhere you can access and remind yourself of what he's done when he tries to worm his way back (statistics show he will do this at some point).
You are hurt and angry right now and that's good, you should be. Try to focus on your future, a future with a man who loves YOU and only YOU. A man who cherishes you and who is honest, upfront and loyal. This is what you deserve.
As far as getting rid of stuff, in the 7 yrs. we were involved he gave me nothing. I did have saved VM and emails which took me a long time to delete. I hung onto them so that I would have some kind of connection to him when I started to miss him. Then one day I realized that even though I missed the good times we once shared, I really didn't miss HIM much anymore and I was able to get rid of any remembrance of him. It was very liberating to do that.
I'm sending happy thought to you, I hope you are soon feeling better!
CGU
Birdie,
I was in a affair for over five years. There were good time and there were the bad times as in all relationships. I decided last summer that I couldn't do this any longer and I loved my family so I quit cold turkey. I woke up one day and said today will be the day and that was it. I was the one who always initiated writing so if I didn't write he wouldn't so that showed me. That was almost a year ago. I have now found that my memories are what I want them to be and will keep them locked in my heart forever. As for getting rid of everything I have to say in five years I had a lot of stuff some sentimental other stuff was just little stuff but had big meaning. Isn't that how it is? Any way I have to say I threw every card and every rose I ever got away. I gave away stuff that was of value to a few people since I couldn't wear it in front of my husband or didn't want too. I kept a few things that were just too hard to let go of but that was my choice. I look at it at times and think how bittersweet my thoughts are and smile. My affair was the best but hardest time I ever dealt with emotionally in my life If I had the choice to erase it from my life, not in a million years would I because I loved him very much. I think I will always but some times love just isn't enough.
Hope this helps. Just to let you know each day your life starts to fall back in to place and the pain is eased then soon it will be the past. Take care.
Healed.
Please help me. I told him it was over yesterday.
Okay good for you, you did the right thing.
He chose his wife,
Huh, I thought you said YOU told him it was over.
Well, unfortunately this is the "new" world we live in. Women wanted equal rights and they got them. They also took the manhood away from men and somewhere along the way, women have lost their morals, their self-esteem, basically themselves.
Women have no regard for their bodies at all. There would have been a time when a woman was ASHAMED that she had an affair with a married man but we have sites that shout to the world, I screwed a mm and had his child and we ACCEPT this.
I never thought my husband would have cheated on me but he did.
What have I learned? That marriage vows don't mean anything and there is always another woman waiting in the back to take your place and she cares nothing about adultery, the wife's feelings, or the innocent children, after all she feels that she's not the one doing anything wrong, she didn't take the vows, but SHE is just as guilty as the mm because SHE knows he is married. She doesn't realize that SHE will also pay a spiritual price for committing adultery.
We women have no self-esteem at all. We would rather "share" someone else's husband than look for a single man. We are no longer a sisterhood. When a woman can get pregnant by a married man and proudly claim to the world about her love child, something is wrong with the picture.
And men need to wake up. There is no stigma for these loose women. If they get pregnant you will pay child support. Men have never had it so good. They can mistreat women, cheat on us, and we still LOVE them, most of us love them more than we love ourselves. Men have free open legs at every turn. But they have to watch out because Child Support is the new welfare and many a scorned woman has gotten pregnant and taken the dumb ass man for all his money.
We are a society that has no morals, no compassion.
I still believe that a husband and wife can be together and NOT cheat but it's a hard job and it takes both people constantly working and realizing that marriage takes two.
And single people need to leave married people alone and married people need to divorce their spouses if they want to screw someone else.
Mon,
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What's up with your post? I think it would be better served on the All Sides board
JMHO
CGU
Edited 6/1/2005 5:47 pm ET ET by cowgirlsup
JMHO everyone has one!
You know what,this is the first post that I have received that is negative.
Since I have been in an affair and I am also a betrayed wife then I do have a RIGHT
to state my opinion.
I have gotten very good feedback and NO negativity except for this post.
Or is this a politically correct support group and saying only positive things and not stating facts is prohibited. Everything I said is the truth and spoken from experience.
It's completely irrelevant to the topic, though, which adds more weight to the argument that it is inappropriate. How does it support people in ending affairs?
Back to the subject at hand, I'm a new poster to this board (after week or two from "graduating" from the Affair support board.) My EMA doesn't really compare to most other peoples'. It was only a few months (including 6 weeks of NC), and only a total of 6 ot 7 days spent together, since we live in different states. He never said he would leave his wife, proclaimed his love for her, told me (though not in so many words -- clever, he was) that it was just about great sex with someone new when it was convenient. I still fell for him, but at least intellectually I know how silly that was and I'm on track for knowing that in my heart.
I have no gifts or anything from MM. I have numerous emails saved that I'm no longer reading regularly, but still haven't deleted. I have pictures from our conference together, including a couple with both of us (and lots of other people). I've also not gotten rid of those, but stopped looking at them. I've not yet been able to delete his call schedule from my computer, or the numerous letters I wrote to him knowing that I would never send them. I've also kept the lingerie I bought and wore for him.
I go back and forth as to whether I will get rid of emails or not. Part of me thinks it would be a good sign of putting it behind me. But I also like reading them to prove to myself that I wasn't entirely crazy -- that it did happen the way I remember, that he did say and do things to encourage me to want him and to believe in something with him.
Have to comment on your post.
Though I disagree with the harsh tone and the way you seem to put the blame on women for loose morals...there are elements in your post that I agree with. I do find that as women have gotten stronger and have gotten more education and better career opportunities, men have definitely become weaker and seem to be allowed to get away with murder. CHeating aside, men can act however they want, say and do what they want (ie sit infront of the tv for hours on end), and totally let themselves go while women have to be the strong ones and deal with all of life's problems and keep up their shape and their beauty. And right or wrong, it is true than there is always another woman waiting to take your place out there for any reason on the man's part or for no reason at all.
But I disagree that for the vast majority that they targeted married men and that its easier than a single man, just read some of the posts from the sad and unhappy women. I doubt they chose this life for themselves. The self esteem comment is not that simple. Everyone here on this board has enough self esteem to try and get out or else they would still be on the affair board. Perhaps some of us were too weak or nice or foolish and got manipulated into these situations. Regardless, we do pay a price for having an affair. We don't have to wait till after death to pay, everyone here is already suffering and trying to get out.
Having had my own marriage wrecked by my exh's moods and anger and finalized by my affair, it is true that a lot of people do not take the vows seriously. Unfortunately, men have been having affairs for thousands of years. Only recently have women been having them too, mostly due to having financial independence and the ability to be able to leave a marriage if need be. I think it is something most people will struggle with all their lives.
Ivy
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