Did your marriage end over your A?

Avatar for parisian2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Did your marriage end over your A?
3
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 2:45pm
Or did your OM/OW's marriage end over your A? My marriage was not great before my A, but now, almost a year after my A has ended, my marriage is still really bad, and I don't know if I can do it anymore. We're thinking of calling it quits (both of us are so tired and frustrated, and we feel like there's too much crap between us to have a happy life together). I just can't get the thought out of my head that I would be happier with someone else (and H too). I also have this insatiable urge to contact OM, as I really believe we would be happy together. But I won't do that while I'm still married.

So my question is.... did your A change your marriage so much that it ended (or did this happen with your OM/OW's marriage)? I just don't know what to do!! Do I stick it out longer, and just hope that the misery will stop SOMEday?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 6:21pm
I ended my marriage after my EMA. I wouldn't say I left the marriage because of the A though. My marriage was on shaky ground for years before the A started. For at least a couple of years before my EMA I had been thinking about separating. But yeah, I guess what really pushed me to make a move was the A. Well actually I left H after I ended the A, but I guess by the time I decided to get involved with XMM I figured my marriage was over. I knew XMMs marriage wasn't too great either, while we were still casual work mates (not involved in the EMA at that time) he had separated from his W a couple of times (a few months at a time). So I feel good about not being the "cause" of his D, if they were to ever get one.

Not sure what your situation is though. Like I said my marriage was crappy before and during my A. After the A was over I just didn't see any point in sticking it out anymore for appearances or "comfort". I've been on my own now for over a year and it's been great for me! But again everyone is different. Oh yeah I didn't leave the marriage expecting XMM to do the same (though I guess maybe deep down I hoped he would). But it wasn't "for" him per se that I did it. As I told it to him, I simply wanted a "new man", not someone on the side or someone I could be a mistress to. Someone that I could openly be with and be with wholeheartedly. I couldn't do that being someone's wife so I took the chance of being single again. Like I said though it's not for everyone. H and I even went to counseling almost a year after our separation, but things between us are still the same. I wouldn't leave a marriage till all means of salvaging it have been tried. And it also depends on how you view marriage, what you expect from it and how much you believe in it. It's not a light decision so just tread lightly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 10:51pm
Please take the time to read some of my posts from late November and December, 2002. Doing so you'll find why I took so long to leave a failed marriage and why I instead made the mistake of long term affairs for 17 years while still married.

A few questions for you....have you and your husband tried separating? I mean really living separately for while. Do you still love your husband? If not, get out. NOW. NO sense wasting any more time beating a dead horse "wishing" things will change. Because change takes BOTH of you making conscious decisions to alter the course of your marriage in a way that the marriage succeeds for both of you. Anything less than tha twill surely result in another affair to escape the pain again. And perpetuate a long dismal downward spiral.

You might want to take the drastic course of action of turning both of your lives upside down and openly verbally renouncing to each other the old patterns you've had and establish going forward that you will not be the old self in the old marriage to each other. Rather, you will make conscious choices to participate in a new marriage, albeit to each other, with the focus on being and living in a kind and respectful manner. Both of you can agree that the hurtful past is over and dead and not available as fodder for new arguments. It takes real guts and real commitment. The tendency to whine "I can't do anything to change it" is NOT an option with this course of action. Yes you can change it. It takes BOTH of you.....

Yes, it can be done. Rare and it takes real commitment to do so.

Maybe your marriage is worth saving. Maybe it isn't. Only the two of you can really make that decision. It takes commitment and willingness to work in a consensus atmosphere based on mutual respect for you to remain married going forward. To remain emotionally connected. My first marriage didn't work that way. It took me 22 years to learn and face the fact I had to leave the marriage. For my emotional and physical health and life. I stayed way too long "for the kids". Not good.

Now in my second marriage my wife (also my xOW) and I come face to face with situations that remind each of us of similar experiences in our first marriages and we make a conscious choice to not accept the old pattern of failure as how we will address the current conflict.

I don't know of any other way than truth, kindness and respect for two people to succeed in marriage and thrive. True to oneself as well as your partner. Kind towards yourself as well as towards your partner. Self-respect as well as respect towards your partner.

To me, now, to reach a point in a marriage where having an affair becomes an option serves as an indicator that the old ways and old marriage must end and a new commitment and marriage must be negotiated. Or else it really is time to leave the failed marriage and live life differently.

On your own first, and then maybe, with someone else willing to remain focused on comon goals, truth, kindness and respect as foundations of a relationship.....


jmho,

cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 8:57am
My instinct is to tell you to do what makes you happy. Life is too short to be miserable even for one day!! But then again that would make me a hypocrite...

I am married with a two year old daughter. I don't love my husband much more than I would a friend but because of finances and my fear of being alone I stay. He is a nice man with issues of his own and I think I have "out grown" him but have not been pushed far enough to leave. I do know what you are going through. I think on my bad days that if I had left my husband me and OM would be happy right now but on good days I am glad to be done with OM. Please take care of yourself. I am sure you will be able to work things out in a way that will be the best for you!!

Take Care,

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige