Alice- This makes me so mad. Your XAP is obviously addicted to drama and is hellbent on pulling you back in. I too wish you would have come here before responding, but I get why you did. It would be hard for me to ignore an "emergency" email from xap. However, the
Alice- I certainly would not wish a DDay on anyone, but i would not have made it through this without my H. I destroyed him and here he is trying to take away my pain- trying to make things all better for me. He is a saint for sure. He deserves a gold medal, an oscar, a nobel prize... every award I can think of for putting up with a year of my despondence and still loving me in spite of myself. Even though your H does not know, you can still confide in him. You can still let him in about how you are feeling about your M... it will make you feel a lot better. It will make you feel like a team again and help you to stop obsessing about xap. Anyhoo- just some thoughts.
<anxiety about it. For now, I am taking it one day at a time.>>
Atta girl! Keep up with the NC and you will be just fine. If anything did happen on Xmm's homefront, he has no right to even bring you into it. How many times have we heard them say, "What do you want me to do about it?" Well, the gate swings both ways, IMO. Only by not responding to any fishing attempts, and following the "Silence is heard" philosophy, you won't have to say anything to him ever again. There's no stronger message than silence, not to mention how empowering it is.
If your H thinks you are doing much better, then you
Actually Alice, the regret is not such a bad thing. Guilt... that may prevent you from moving forward. A wise woman here once told me the following (and I can't remember who I owe for this, so forgive me).
Guilt is a misplaced emotion; it’s anger turned inward. The person we offended or hurt may even have forgiven us (or may not know of our transgression), but we haven’t forgiven ourselves. In some ways, your guilt is continuing to affect your relationship with your husband. As we struggle with our internal anger, the guilt creates distance between us and others. Guilt makes it hard for us to move forward; how can we move forward when we are beating ourselves up? Have you tried to forgive yourself for the decisions you have made and to be gentle with yourself in understanding why and the hurt that it resulted in?
When we let go of guilt, it’s not to say that we shouldn’t have regrets for our actions. This is very much where my emotions were confused. It is important for us to feel regret when we make poor decisions that result in hurt and pain in others (or ourselves). We have to acknowledge that if we are to learn and make changes in our lives. The difference between guilt and regret, is that regret provides room for understanding. When we let go of the anger that we direct at ourselves, regret provides us with the opportunity to change. This is similar, I think, to posts from others suggesting that we must accept our roles in an affair and our actions. This is critically important for personal growth, but it isn’t necessary to continue to be angry at ourselves. Letting go of that anger, forgiving ourselves, opens up a pathway to stronger relationships with others.
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Alice- This makes me so mad. Your XAP is obviously addicted to drama and is hellbent on pulling you back in. I too wish you would have come here before responding, but I get why you did. It would be hard for me to ignore an "emergency" email from xap. However, the
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Alice- I certainly would not wish a DDay on anyone, but i would not have made it through this without my H. I destroyed him and here he is trying to take away my pain- trying to make things all better for me. He is a saint for sure. He deserves a gold medal, an oscar, a nobel prize... every award I can think of for putting up with a year of my despondence and still loving me in spite of myself. Even though your H does not know, you can still confide in him. You can still let him in about how you are feeling about your M... it will make you feel a lot better. It will make you feel like a team again and help you to stop obsessing about xap. Anyhoo- just some thoughts.
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Hello Alice,
I am chiming in late - but just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you and hoping that things were starting to settle.
You are managing this all so incredibly well - I am not sure how you are doing it - but it is inspiring to say the least. Hang in there.
((Hugs)))
TU.
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Alice,
How are you doing today, honey?
Thinking of you,
~Iddy~
Alice,
<anxiety
about it. For now, I am taking it one day at a time.>>
Atta girl! Keep up with the NC and you will be just fine. If anything did happen on Xmm's homefront, he has no right to even bring you into it. How many times have we heard them say, "What do you want me to do about it?" Well, the gate swings both ways, IMO. Only by not responding to any fishing attempts, and following the "Silence is heard" philosophy, you won't have to say anything to him ever again. There's no stronger message than silence, not to mention how empowering it is.
If your H thinks you are doing much better, then you
~Iddy~
Actually Alice, the regret is not such a bad thing. Guilt... that may prevent you from moving forward. A wise woman here once told me the following (and I can't remember who I owe for this, so forgive me).
Guilt is a misplaced emotion; it’s anger turned inward. The person we offended or hurt may even have forgiven us (or may not know of our transgression), but we haven’t forgiven ourselves. In some ways, your guilt is continuing to affect your relationship with your husband. As we struggle with our internal anger, the guilt creates distance between us and others. Guilt makes it hard for us to move forward; how can we move forward when we are beating ourselves up? Have you tried to forgive yourself for the decisions you have made and to be gentle with yourself in understanding why and the hurt that it resulted in?
When we let go of guilt, it’s not to say that we shouldn’t have regrets for our actions. This is very much where my emotions were confused. It is important for us to feel regret when we make poor decisions that result in hurt and pain in others (or ourselves). We have to acknowledge that if we are to learn and make changes in our lives. The difference between guilt and regret, is that regret provides room for understanding. When we let go of the anger that we direct at ourselves, regret provides us with the opportunity to change. This is similar, I think, to posts from others suggesting that we must accept our roles in an affair and our actions. This is critically important for personal growth, but it isn’t necessary to continue to be angry at ourselves. Letting go of that anger, forgiving ourselves, opens up a pathway to stronger relationships with others.
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
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