The difference of 3 months

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2012
The difference of 3 months
9
Thu, 11-21-2013 - 10:10am

My affair began on July 23 this year.   It ended Monday the 18th of Nov.

I have been married for 19 years, and have two great kids, both teens.  My DH and I have had problems for years.  Namely, him shutting down and me running away.  In July, I began an affair with my neighbor.  We had all been family friends for years.  Took vacations together, spent every weekend together.  Him and his live in GF of 12 years, me and my DH, all of our kids, and another couple as well.

The affair started innocently enough.  Turned to each other to talk about the problems in our respective relationships.  But it turned hot and heavy VERY quickly.  We were into a hot and heavy affair.  Catching moments every day, millions of texts and I love you's.

We managed to get away in late Septemeber and took a vacation together.  We went to Alabama, we went to Panama City Beach florida and walked on the beach hand in hand.  We went to Gatlinburg and got a cabin.  Woke up every morning and held each other, looking out over the mountains.  We went to West Virigina so I could see his hometown.  I met his family, we rode quads.  His family loved me.  Told me they had NEVER liked his GF.  She was cold, no personality.

Once I got back home, I asked my DH to move out and told him I was involved with the neighbor.  Had to tell our kids that dad was leaving.  It was heart-wrenching.

My AP stayed at his home with her another two weeks, and then got an apartment and moved out.

There were little things I noticed but tried to ignore.  His GF took the weekend off to "help" him move.  She was doing his laundry, from his apartment.  He went to Walmart one evening and I was there.  I had to leave bc he told me he was headed there, with her.  He needed towels.  What was he supposed to do...tell her she couldn't come?  Things like that.  You know, the inner self telling you what the heart doesn't want to see.

My DH went thru periods of severe depression.  And then, he started to wake up.  He went to a counselor.  He got on anti-depressants.  And, he became my friend.  He showed me so many changes.  He told me this was his wake-up call.

Things with AP and I SEEMED ok, but still, a million little things didn't add up.  When we would make love, he would ask me to say over and over again how much I loved him, that I would never leave him.  He asked me what I would do if he went back to her...would I wait?  He would constantly say how scared he was to lose me.

We spent one whole weekend together.  We were getting ready to head out and SHE calls him.  The GF.  He goes outside to take the call and comes in with tears in his eyes.  He says to me "you are going to hate me".  I asked why and he told me that the GF said she was going out that night with another man, and that it bothered him.  I tried to assure him this was normal.  But inside I felt sick.

He would text me and say how his world was falling apart.  How everyone hated him.  All of our old friends.  Which wasn''t true.  The funny thing is that all of our old crowd would constantly text him, telling him they were there for him.  Yet, they also would bash me constantly.  I was a homewrecking wh*re.    He told me to ignore them all.  That all of them were not true friends and they could all f- off.

The monday night after our weekend together, he was acting strange that evening.  I had a vibe.  He promised me nothing was wrong.  He promised me he loved me and would NEVER hurt me.  He told me I was his first love, the most important woman in his life.  That I had showed him what true love was.  I went to bed feeling uneasy, but tried to ignore it.

The next morning I get a text from him.  "Hey, I hate to do this to you.  I think you are still in love with your DH.  I still care for my GF.  Sorry to hurt you but I am done.".

He bloked me on FB.  He told me he changed the lock on his apartment (which I had paid for.  I gave him $2000 to be able to get out and move on).  I lost my mind.  I called my DH and told him what had happened.  I took 12 pills.  My Dh came home and found me laying in the snow, in a stupor.  He stayed with me all day.  He held me while I cried over another man.  He never said I told you so.  He was just THERE for me.

The next day AP texts me and asks if I will come see him.  So I do.  He cries his eyes out and tells me how sorry he is.  That he was worried about his kids.  He tells me SHE stayed the night with him Monday night, and that SHE had blocked me and so forth.  He cries and tells me he was so scared he would never kiss me again.  How very sorry he is.   So me...I forgive him.

The very next day, I call him in the morning and have some questions to ask. Like WHY did SHE spend the night?   He immediatly goes on the defensive and says to me "you had your DH spend the night!".  I told him what kind of mental state he left me in.  To no avail.  AP tells me he wants some "space" from me to focus on his kids.  Says he is tired of hurting and crying everyday.

So I agree to give him space.  Write him a nice letter telling him to do what he needs to do, that I love him and will always be there for him.  I dont hear from him for a couple days and start to lose it.  So I call him.  Beg, like a fool.  Please, please talk to me.  Tell me you love me.  He calls me and says he DOES love me, he wants to spend his LIFE with me, but he just needs time.  So I am placated and give him space again.

I go by his apartment that Saturday night, at 11, and HER car is there.  

I text him Monday again, because obviously I cant go longer than two days.  So he calls me.  And says "how was your weekend"?  What???  I ask him why her car was there all weekend.  I KNOW she wasn't home because remember, I live NEXT DOOR.  And he says to me "Well why did your DH spend the night there Saturday night?".  He DIDN'T.  He questions me about all sorts of things, but cannot give me a straight answer.  Then he says it...I cant do this.  I love you but I am done.  YOU wont prove to ME that you are done with your DH.

I cry, I beg, I plead.  I hang up on him and then proceed into a million texts.  He texts me back..."I still love her.  I have just realized.  I am changing my phone number.  Good bye and good luck.  Take care".

That was it.  He changed his number.  He blocked me on FB.  I dont ever see her car at home because she is over there playing make-up with him in the apartment that I paid for:(

Worst of all, I look at his FB page thru my daughter's account.  He has friended EVERY SINGLE one of those "friends" that he told me just two weeks ago that he hated.  The same ones who called me a wh*re.  He is FRIENDS with them all.

I have since drafted a million letters to him, that thankfully, I have not sent.  I cant call him bc he DID change his number.

My Dh, well, once again has been there for ME.  HE has taken care of me.  He has spent hours listening to me lament about AP.  He is a true man, because not many husbands would have the strength to do this.  I dont think I really WANT to end my 19 year marriage.  But I wish so much I could feel for him what I felt with AP, even though it was only for a short 3 month period.

I hurt.  I am angry.  I want revenge.  I want the last word.  I hate where I live.  I hate being stuck in this small town where everyone now supports him and I am just a homewrecking bi*ch.  I go to see a counselor on Tuesday.

I tell myself that I DON'T want AP back.  That if he doesn't think I am worth it then he doesn't deserve ME.  But I think of ALL the things he said about his GF.  Mean, sickening things about her.  How she disgusted him.  He hated sex with her.  He was embarrased by her.  How she kept him on a leash.  How he could be himself with me and she never let him.  How she had NO personality.  And he wants her back????

I cannot fathom this:(

I know I will survive.  But god I hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2013
Thu, 11-21-2013 - 3:13pm
Oh, kelleygirl52, how I wish I had some magic words that would take all of the pain away! First, let me say that I am glad to hear you are going to start counseling soon. I believe this will help you in working through so much of what you are feeling and also what got you to where you are today. I'm not sure if you are at a place where you might be ready for this or not, but I did want to suggest a book to you if you are considering staying in your marriage. Believe it or not there is hope for you and your DH, if you want there to be! The book is Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity by Gary and Mona Shriver. Praying for you!!
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Thu, 11-21-2013 - 3:13pm

Welcome to EAS, Kellygirl

Lies lies lies...affairs are all about them.  Everyone lying to themselves, their families, and to each other to keep the affair afloat...and we speak more lies to keep from hurting our affair partner further when they appear to be going of the deep end and won't let go.

Time to let go of this relationship that is doing nothing but causing misery all around.  

I'm glad to read that you have set yourself up with a therapist.  Everyone who has sat with a therapist has healed quicker than those who do not.  It's a relief learning what makes us tick, that we are not perfect and that we are on the road to being a better, more sensitive-to-others person.  I remember how relieved I felt just initiating the phone call to one...I knew things would only get better.

You should check out our Healing Library.  It's chock full of the ways and means to stayed ended and regain some of that grace and dignity.  

Now is the time to take good care of yourself and get through the grieving process.  Whether the relationship was right or wrong, you still have to grieve the loss.  Your therapist will help you through this as well as rooting out your core issues.  Affairs are all about us...our inabilities and limitations.  

And it's hard to fathom, and hurtful to think, why they don't choose us...but really, we all behaved quite badly and made ourselves unworthy.  I know I would not have picked me as a partner back then.

I'm sorry this once-hopping Board has very few dropping by.  I'm here, so feel free to post as much as you need.

You'll get through this, Kelleygirl...you need to give it time and some distance out.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
Fri, 11-22-2013 - 3:50am

Kelleygirl, I haven't posted on here for a while but when I read your post I really felt to reply.

I too had a three month affair, a Dday and then I moved out of my home for another three months and continued the A. My number one biggest support was my DH, who never gave up on me or our marriage even though I was causing him incredible pain. I left my children and turned my back on all those that loved me for someone who quite simply did not deserve my attention.

I am sorry you are facing so much pain, it truly is one of the most painful things to go through. But, your XAP has done you a huge favour even though you can't see it right now. You say you are not sure that you want your marriage to be over, I would go with that feeling, it is probably the only one that is truth among all the lies. The unfortunate things about affairs, is we steal from our marriage so that we can feed into a relationship that is just so wrong, so false and so emotionally draining.

You have hit rock bottom but you won't stay there even though it feels all is collapsing in on you right at this moment. My A ended over two years ago and I can honestly say it doesn't hurt anymore. I am completely over the other man but if I had lost my H, I know that I would not be over him and I would have regretted that loss for the rest of my life.

I have also seen the other side over the last few weeks. We currently have a friend staying with us whose wife has kicked him out after he had an A. I have been expecting him to feel the loss for the OW but he doesn't care about her despite being in an emotional year long A with her and calling her his best friend. All he cares about is getting his wife back and he has unhesitatingly blocked her and ignored all attempts at contact from her. It has really made me realise that some men are good at cutting off their feelings towards someone when they need to and sees it as a waste of time lamenting over something that is just not going to be. I also wonder if my H had withdrawn all support and shown anger and disgust towards me, if that would have woken me up sooner and forced me to focus on my marriage sooner. It is easy to not have to rein in our feelings towards the XAP's when no one is forcing us to. The pain now that I find inescapable at times is when I look at my H or my children and cannot believe what I put them through for a man that just was not worth it!

You are going to grieve and it is going to be a long road out regardless of what decision you make but how fast you heal is completely dependent on you and the choices you make from here on in. If you decide to stay in your marriage then you have to commit one hundred percent. When I made the decision to come home, I went complete NC and poured out my heart on this site. It is a shame that it is not the board it once was but for those that are on here, the support comes from those who have been through this and can truly understand the pain of ending an A.

Therapy, reading books on self healing, listening to songs that build you up, journaling and supporting others on here are tools that will really benefit you. Hold tight and trust in your own strength to get through this and after a few weeks you will be shocked at how the fog will begin to clear thus making it easier for your mind to lead your emotions tather than the other way around.

Big (((HUGS)))

RTMO

The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2012
Fri, 11-22-2013 - 10:28am

Thank you for your replies.  It HAS helped me.  Today I am coloring my hair.  XAp liked blond, so I had taken it blond.  Today I go back to dark.  Just a small step, but a step no less.

I sometimes feel like I DO want to work things out with my DH.  He has been the one there for me thru all of this, even though I was ugly, deceitful, mean.  He saw thru all of that and managed to love me still.  There are issues in my way though.  I am afraid to try again, only to be HERE down the raod, whether that be a year from now or 15 years from now.

Our sex life has not been stellar for years.  Many times when he would just go to kiss me, I would cringe.

And now of course, I have the memories of the amazing physical relationship that XAP and I had to compare to everything. Of course the sex was incredible.  I was addicted to him.  Even his BREATH turned me on.  Probably sounds dumb:(  

But my Dh has been a good friend.  My BESt friend.  He has shown amazing character and change.  He has a capactiy to forgive and to love like no other I have known.  And there is a part of me, although small, that KNOWS if we could work thru this, and all of our demons, that maybe we could come out the other side with such a strong relationship.  I know I just need to take it slow.  All we have is time.

I havent heard from XAP.  Have I wanted to?  Admittedly, yes.  You are right, he did me a favor in blocking me.  I sit all day and think of the things he told me about his GF.  He told me he had never been able to have sex with her in the daylight because her weight disgusted him.  MANY other things.  He joked that he had a "300 pound" weight loss in one day when he moved out.  I cant fathom WHY he went back.  

I guess it doesn't matter.  So WHY do I obsess?  Why do I torture myself replaying all of our memories together?  I cant even delete his texts yet.  I read and re-read over a month worth.  "I will never hurt you".  I"I will never leave you, promise".

Ugh.  I need to stop doing this to myself.  I want to heal.  

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 11-22-2013 - 1:27pm

  Yes, you have run into the conundrum of "affairs".    For you it was "love" for him,a dalliance.   While there are people who do marry and stay with their lovers the odds are overwhelmingly negative.  But do not beat your self up over this.  You are a human being whose needs where not being met for years.  The why's do not matter now.  RTMO has made a good observation makes a good observation about men and some women that they may embark on a dalliance with no thought of the future while the other may envision a happy life with them. 

    That said counseling and decisions need to be made.  Do not mistake the infatuation for lasting love.  Right now you are probably enduring a hormone storm.   Give it some time for it to calm down. 

dragowoman

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Fri, 11-22-2013 - 1:30pm

Glad you are here responding to those who took the time to lend an outstretched hand.  Thank you.

I think we all obsess at first...it's natural.  Sometimes we are looking to find something...anything...to justify us having jeopardized all we hold dear, or, to justify having wasted so much time on something that was so ill-fated to begin with.

Someone once said here "don't keeping looking in the rearview mirror...you're not going that way."  I say this is so true. The only time it is good to focus on our past is with our therapist as we try to get to the bottom of what makes us tick.  And believe me, once you start that process, it takes all your energy and focus...and you will have precious little time to focus on JAM (just a man).

What he said or did or does in the future with his girlfriend/his life, is no longer your concern.  He has his own lessons to seek out...you have yours.  And affairs generally deliver a hard lesson and turn out to be a window into ourselves. Most find their lack of good coping skills are a result from childhood issues. That's why a professional is so important...to help you dig deep.

So, take this crisis in your life as an opportunity to do some introspection, make the appropriate adjustments, get yourself healthy to live the honest life with integrity...and you can't go wrong.

Keep posting in for support and to talk things through.  And kudos for taking that step in regards to changing your haircolor...this time, the change in color is for you. :)

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
Sat, 11-23-2013 - 1:43am

That is great about the hair, it is a good step.

If your H is not pressuring you to make any decisions regarding your marriage, you don't have to right at this stage. Living in an affair is like being surrounded by fog, you just can't see things clearly , so trying to see your marriage right now would be like looking at it through fog.

As for why your XAP went back to his gf, I would say it is because he loves her no matter what disgusting things he used to say about her. And at the end of the day, the whys will keep you in a place of pain and do little to help you move forward. We cannot know what is in another person's head and therefore when we ruminate on conversations in the past, we assume there was truth in the words said to us which then leads us to try and understand. It is when we start seeing that it was all a fantasy and that all parties do whatever they can to keep that fantasy going that we can then start sifting truth from lies.

Kelley, you have to decide what you want for yourself now. Yours is a forced no contact and therefore he can come and go as he pleases in your life right now unless you take some control. Have you decided in your mind that it is over? Are you prepared to go NC in your own mind if he was to contact you again? There are many aspects of healing through this that you will have to face but if there is a small door ajar in your mind that waits for him to change his mind and come back into your life, your healing is going to be impeded and you will find it harder to break free.

Keep posting and stay strong.

RTMO

The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sat, 11-23-2013 - 10:23am
Great seeing you posting again, (((RTMO))) You have so much insight and wisdom to share. Clairbear

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Mon, 11-25-2013 - 10:50am
Kelley...I am so sorry you are at this place. It sucks...just plain sucks. I am not that far out of my almost 7 year A. I know he said a lot of things and you thought he would be there, but alas, he is not. Now is the time to focus on you. It isn't easy to push thoughts of him aside, believe me, I know it, but you have to try and do you. Your hair is the first step. Do whatever color you want! And then, try to do something else again for you. Your marriage is important, but you are more important. Once you figure you out, then you can concentrate on that. Good luck sweetie!

 

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