differences between end-er and end-ee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
differences between end-er and end-ee
6
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 1:15am

so pardon the terminology, but i was interested in getting you guys's thoughts about the differences in the healing process between those who initiate ending the A, and those who, for lack of better phrasing "get dumped". i read a post on jane's blog once that said something like "if i hate him, i have to hate me". that is something i struggle with regularly.

i often feel that i am the villain described in many posts here. while my AP and i were both married (and still are), he and his wife were on the outs when i stepped in to the picture. he was ready to give me everything and continually prioritized time with me over his commitments to his wife and young child. he and his wife are now separated, and he constantly tells me that he would do anything to be with me. i was the one who constantly expected him to play 2nd fiddle. i was the one who got off on his ego stroking.

much of why i've struggled to maintain NC is due to guilt that i feel towards him. i feel that he's lost everything, and all he wants is me, and the least i can offer him is my friendship. obviously, all us enders know that friendship is not possible, but i feel terrible because i "dumped" him, and i've "abandoned" him.

yes i know this is all irrational thinking. i keep repeating the mantra "he's a big boy, he doesn't need me". but, the healing process feels very challenging nonetheless. i wonder if, for those of you guys on the other side of the coin, the ones who were ready to keep the A going, was it easier to hate your APs?

i remember when my college boyfriend, the love of my life (as least i thought so at the time!) dumped me, i took a lot of strength from my anger and frustration. i empowered myself and channelled all of my hatred of him towards self improvement. yet now, i feel so unable to do so. i've hurt my AP, his family, MY husband, and of course myself. how am i supposed to empower myself? i feel like public enemy number one.

so maybe it boils down to this: is it worse to hurt, or BE hurt?

thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 8:58am

Exi -

There really is no answer to your question, is is worse "to hurt" or "be hurt". They are different "hurts".

I want to point something out to you though. In your case, you are saying that you are struggling to maintain NC due to guilt you feel because you ended it. He is separated from his wife now and says he'd do anything to be with you. You admitted that you only wanted him to play second fiddle.

<<<>>>

Do you think that part of your struggle to maintain NC is your addiction to the ego stroking?

It's very important Exi to let this man go. To NOT contact him in any way. If you feel that you are doing him a favor by talking to him, you are wrong. If you feel it helps him - because "poor him, I dumped him and he's separated now and needs me" - you are wrong. If you have an ounce of love for this man, the best way you can show it to him is complete and total NC. You need to deal with your guilt within yourself.

My point of view is coming from here: I am single and XAP is married. I changed everything in my life and like your AP, I would have done anything to be with him. BUT I was the one who still had to do the "dumping" several times over the years. He always came back for the ego boost. In the end, I was the one who still ended it for good. XAP could have shown me love a long time ago by dumping me. By letting me go and get on with a REAL life. But he selfishly kept me shackled to him with his crumbs and his empty promises of a future.

You said when your college boyfriend dumped you, you channeled all your hatred toward self improvement. I want to ask you another question - why are you looking for hatred to empower yourself?

<<<>>>

You empower yourself by LOVING everyone around you enough to live a real, honest life. By recognizing that you have hurt people, but that you are no longer that selfish person. Hate is never the fuel you want to use.

Bodhi




Edited 8/22/2010 9:26 am ET by bodhi2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 11:02am
I'll echo Bohdi here and agree with they both hurt, in different ways.
I've been on both sides. I'm S, xAP is a MM. Despite all the 'blah blah blah, I want to leave, blah blah blah, M is abusive, yadda yadda' things got 'too close to home' for him back in Jan and I got thrown under the bus. It was totally out of the blue, and yes I was crushed. I couldn't reconcile what had been said/done in the past, his decision and the tug between my own head (which was saying 'this is for the best') and my heart/emotions which were reeling in shock and hurt. I felt used (which I was, so I do suppose it was an appropriate feeling), lied to (but the biggest lies were the ones I told myself) and cheated. Cheated out of what I'm not sure, because really xMM didn't/couldn't give me all that much. He sent me a 'follow up goodbye' (ha!) after the initial tossing me under the bus and that pretty much sent the message 'you're the one I want, but can't right now, so maybe later'. Endings like that never work, so, over the next few months he came back with all the 'I miss you/love you's' in the world. It was still an A, but a different dynamic than before. I'm not sure how or why but over time it finally dawned on me that I was waiting for him to treat me differently (so I could then see myself differently), but that it would never happen. So, I then became the end-er. Which was painful, because one has to get to a pretty painful place in order to make the cut. There's a sense of empowerment, but there's also the 'crash' of guilt (of being involved in something that, while no Dday, no doubt caused harm to xAP's W) and all the 'why's/how's' I could do this/let someone treat me like that. What I'm trying to get at with all this rambling is that both hurt, a lot. There's the pain of rejection in either case, in one we feel rejected by xAP and in the other the painful realization that we rejected ourselves for so long. In both instances we both hurt someone else (and ourselves) and are hurt ourselves (by someone else and us).
Again, I think that while there are a lot of similarities there are some differences when both parties are M vs when one party is S. So, I will say that as a S person with an xAP who was M there was something helpful in being able to be the end-er, to be able to say 'no, enough' and manage some dignity.


----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

Walk n' Block. Total NC 08-13-10

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 12:01pm

Hi EX,


Different hurts - no better, no worse, it is all just different. I do, however, believe there is a certain sense of dignity that is restored when you take your power back and end it. I was married when my affair started, and separated by the time I ended it. Even a year after my H separated from me, my xAP thought it was acceptable to continue. Even after his own planned DDay he wanted the affair to continue. Every time I said NC and

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 1:43pm

wow, you guys have given me a lot of great insights to think about. thank you as always. i think you've made some good points, particularly that continuing to talk to my AP because i feel bad for him is both 1)patronizing to him and 2)self serving to me. bodhi, you are especially correct in that my guilt is my problem. his feelings are his responsibility.

i think i know in my head that hurt is hurt, its not a question of better or worse. in my heart, i somehow feel like what i did was worse, because i'm leaving xAP with nothing. but, i have to remind myself that we are both guilty, and we both made mistakes and these mistakes have serious consequences. i'm not responsible for his consequences. it is unfortunate, like TU said, it just sucks all around.

thank you for your feedback guys. im just trying to make sense of all of this, ya know? but you're right, the best thing for everybody is to let each other go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 7:27pm

Hi exi


is it worse to hurt, or BE hurt?


Who knows??


In a previous post, i said that it really doesnt matter HOW we get here, only that we are moving on and putting our A and xAP behind us.


BUT for me,as an 'end-ee".....our situations are alike but

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 10:17am

Being late to this thread and not having read any responses, I'll just say that, imo, it is always better to be the end-er.