Differences in Single and Married in A

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2004
Differences in Single and Married in A
4
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 6:24pm

So this is a question I have often pondered. What are the main differences in an affair between single and married partners, and who has it harder?

I can also see how an affair with two married partners with mutual understandings about their marriage could be somewhat simpler in expectations, although more difficult to see each other

In my case I am single OW, never married, no children and my xMM has 2 children, and a fairly new marriage (less than 5 years). I have always thought he handled it so much better than me, and by that I mean, he can filter the bad, and only take the joy.

I personally think he handles it better because he see "Us" for what we really are and use me for his advantage (I suppose in his spare time), and I have such a hard time because I am living in dreamland. Although I know/knew what we are and that we would never be together, I become sad because I have this romantic fantasy that we could be more than fugitive phone calls, e-mails, and secret kisses. He thinks I should appreciate these because of his circumstances, LOL.

Is it harder for the single because they go home lonely and missing someone who is going to another's arms, or for the married one who goes home and has to act normal to his spouse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 6:32pm

Everyone is different but I have been on both ends of that question with the same guy (he's separated but may as well be married, I dont think he's ever getting a divorce). I think he depends on your marriage. Mine wasn't that great so it was really tough to be with my husband and not be thinking of MM. I guess I felt hopeless and trapped. I got divorced and felt very very lonely and anxiety ridden and all other kinds of bad things! I had screaming fits alot. I regreted leaving my marriage. But I don't have to lie to anyone or pretend Im okay when I'm not. And I always have the hope of meeting someone else to make me forget about MM, once and for all. My husband wasn't going to make me forget about him. So for me, unless my situation had changed, I'd have never gotten over MM. Not that I'm over him now of course. But I have a little hope - I have two 1st dates this weekend from match - and I pray I will meet someone to make me realize I'm better off without MM. I don't even pray for him to get divorced anymore. I pray to not love him anymore.

But I digress! I think for those in good marriages with kids, it may be easier to balance seeing a MM. For a single gal, its just not worth it.

Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 8:53pm

Lvly,

I have submerged my self in this board (and some of All Sides) - I've read so many of the posts. I would be interested to see what other long timers here think but here's my opinion:

First, I think there are two categories to what you're asking. I think men and women (very generally) handle an A differently. Also the man is almost *always* married (there are some OM - not married, but that seems to be the minority).

Men more easily go back to their M and don't allow the emotional stress that women do. I think if the M is single and dating a MW that changes (I do think there a lot of pain for him in that case).

When both are M - I think the man (again, very generally) handles it better. I have seen many posts about the MW (including myself) going through a lot of pain.

I would say that as far as who has it easier (if that possible... talk about who's situation stinks least) I think when both are married they have it slightly easier during and while ending it, but have a harder time long term.

I think for the single OM/OW it cuts deeper both during and after, but goes away as they move on with their lives to a new mate etc (harder for a married AP to move on since they have all their old problems to work through - unless of course they choose to replace it with a new AP : ) -kidding).

Anyway, that's my guess from reading all these posts - but the posts could be skewed by more women posting etc that could throw it off.

WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 10:19pm

<<>

I think you make a VERY good point here. I'm glad to be able to move on, be it with someone else or not. I know XMM cannot move on much farther than he ever has and will probably have the same problems in his M, especially since his W justifies his A by making excuses FOR him. (Isn't he lucky to get out so easy?) I know that I can put this all behind me and move ahead with my life. XMM and his W have to live it day in and day out. I feel I am the lucky one!!!

PAL

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 10:37pm
I have to agree that it is different for men and women in general..I was in an affair for almost 3 years. I was the married one my OM was not. Although it's possible most MM are just out for the fun, I was in it for the attention and the love. It killed me to have to go home and attempt to act normal...but normal then was disconnected..I was totally in love with OM but everytime I was going to leave my H, I got the speech from OM that he didn't want me to leave my H for him...He wanted me to leave because it was a bad marriage but he didn't want to be to blame..So then i would second thought and never ended up leaving..we ended it a year ago next month and my marriage is great now..I don't think the difference is single and married just women and men...