If you didn't respond to his sexual advances and hung up on him every time then you didn't have an A. What you experienced was sexual harrassment. I have
Wait. You own your own firm? Who would you file a SH claim with? Yourself? And that line about wanting him to pay for HIS behavior flies in the face of self-accountability, even though you seem to be claiming accountability for letting it go on for so long, and even encouraging it in beginning. It's a contradiction.
I think you'd benefit from reading about the nature of sexual harassment claims - why they are filed, how they are handled - so that you can understand why you do NOT have a valid reason to feel the way you do. You are not a victim here. If you finally take a firm stand against this now-unwanted attention, and this dude withdraws his business from your firm, it's just a consequence of past behavior of yours in combination with him being a jackhole. If you continue to play passive in order to keep his business, it's YOUR choice.
As far as 'turning him in' is concerned--- who would you turn him into, anyway? You'd just be airing your dirty laundry and you'd come off as bad or worse than he would. Trust me in that! You flirted, were passive and weak in handling your business, put your firm and co-owners in a precarious position, and now you want to get revenge? C'mon. Time for big girl panties. You have two choices, TWO! whereas sexual harassment victims have NONE. You can tell this guy in no uncertain terms that your not interested in his flirting, ask him to stop it completely, and be very VERY professional in your tone and attitude. Pray that he values your company's work for it's own merits and let the chips fall where they will. OR you can put up and shut up for the sake of not risking the $$ he brings to your company. Icky! but doable.
"Wait. You own your own firm? Who would you file a SH claim with? Yourself? And that line about wanting him to pay for HIS behavior flies in the face of self-accountability, even though you seem to be claiming accountability for letting it go on for so long, and even encouraging it in beginning. It's a contradiction. "
I am very sensitive to women being sexually harrassed because when I was a doctorial student my mentor sexually harrassed me and it was very painful. I didn't allow him to do it for five years. It lasted six months but it caused me terrible pain. I sued the college for sexual harrassment and won. To be sexually harrassed for five years is a bit much and not do anything about it. I was in my late 20s and that experience stayed with me for a long time. To claim that you were sexually harrassed for five years is almost unbelievable unless you are a child who doesn't know any better. Allowing a man to make sexual comments to you and yet keep talking to him shows that you accepted his behavior and to say that he cries when you tell him you don't want to be his "friend" anymore is a far stretch of SH. I take great offense to any woman or man who claims sexual harrassment after putting up with the behavior for years. It doesn't sit well with me and it wouldn't sit well with a judge either.
I had an A. My XAP was furious at me for ending the A and he made all kinds of claims that I had taken advantage of him because I was M and he was single. He played the victim which I couldn't understand because he knew I was M when he got involved with me. He called the educational institution where I work and tried to get me fired. Thank goodness my superior knows me well and I was able to smooth it over with her. I'm not saying that you are doing the same thing (playing the victim and wanting revenge) but when you wrote that the MM who "harrassed" you is just like the MM on EAS it makes me wonder. The MM on EAS are men who were involved with the women on this board by mutual consent. I really hope you are not playing the victim and feel scorned because your A ended because claiming sexual harrassment when it's not is a serious offense to those of us who have been through that experience.
You need to ask yourself why you let this behavior go on so long and why would you allow a man to send you emails for so long of a sexual nature if you really didn't enjoy it. This just sounds like there is a lot more to this story than what you are telling us. Most women past 20 years of age are smart enough to stop a man in his tracks when we see that he is acting inappropriately unless we really want him to or he forces himself on us once that's different.
Based on my experiences as an executive in HR in my state, I will tell you that I don't think you have a leg to stand on in court, or in the court of public opinion... at least not mine.
I think you're perspective is very skewed. In any event, I wish you well in sorting it out - however you choose to do that.
Now that it is clear that this matter has nothing to do with helping you recover from an affair, I will refrain from commenting further - not because I wouldn't like to see you get the answers you seek, but because I don't want to stretch the already limited resources of this board and take away from the people who are posting for Affair recovery support.
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Welcome.
Hi,
thank you for responding.
Not my boss, but a very important client in my firm.
If you didn't respond to his sexual advances and hung up on him every time then you didn't have an A. What you experienced was sexual harrassment. I have
Hi,
sorry i am being confusing.
Wait. You own your own firm? Who would you file a SH claim with? Yourself? And that line about wanting him to pay for HIS behavior flies in the face of self-accountability, even though you seem to be claiming accountability for letting it go on for so long, and even encouraging it in beginning. It's a contradiction.
I think you'd benefit from reading about the nature of sexual harassment claims - why they are filed, how they are handled - so that you can understand why you do NOT have a valid reason to feel the way you do. You are not a victim here. If you finally take a firm stand against this now-unwanted attention, and this dude withdraws his business from your firm, it's just a consequence of past behavior of yours in combination with him being a jackhole. If you continue to play passive in order to keep his business, it's YOUR choice.
As far as 'turning him in' is concerned--- who would you turn him into, anyway? You'd just be airing your dirty laundry and you'd come off as bad or worse than he would. Trust me in that! You flirted, were passive and weak in handling your business, put your firm and co-owners in a precarious position, and now you want to get revenge? C'mon. Time for big girl panties. You have two choices, TWO! whereas sexual harassment victims have NONE. You can tell this guy in no uncertain terms that your not interested in his flirting, ask him to stop it completely, and be very VERY professional in your tone and attitude. Pray that he values your company's work for it's own merits and let the chips fall where they will. OR you can put up and shut up for the sake of not risking the $$ he brings to your company. Icky! but doable.
Dee
Hi,
"Wait. You own your own firm? Who would you file a SH claim with? Yourself? And that line about wanting him to pay for HIS behavior flies in the face of self-accountability, even though you seem to be claiming accountability for letting it go on for so long, and even encouraging it in beginning. It's a contradiction. "
I am one owner in the firm.
I am very sensitive to women being sexually harrassed because when I was a doctorial student my mentor sexually harrassed me and it was very painful. I didn't allow him to do it for five years. It lasted six months but it caused me terrible pain. I sued the college for sexual harrassment and won. To be sexually harrassed for five years is a bit much and not do anything about it. I was in my late 20s and that experience stayed with me for a long time. To claim that you were sexually harrassed for five years is almost unbelievable unless you are a child who doesn't know any better. Allowing a man to make sexual comments to you and yet keep talking to him shows that you accepted his behavior and to say that he cries when you tell him you don't want to be his "friend" anymore is a far stretch of SH. I take great offense to any woman or man who claims sexual harrassment after putting up with the behavior for years. It doesn't sit well with me and it wouldn't sit well with a judge either.
I had an A. My XAP was furious at me for ending the A and he made all kinds of claims that I had taken advantage of him because I was M and he was single. He played the victim which I couldn't understand because he knew I was M when he got involved with me. He called the educational institution where I work and tried to get me fired. Thank goodness my superior knows me well and I was able to smooth it over with her. I'm not saying that you are doing the same thing (playing the victim and wanting revenge) but when you wrote that the MM who "harrassed" you is just like the MM on EAS it makes me wonder. The MM on EAS are men who were involved with the women on this board by mutual consent. I really hope you are not playing the victim and feel scorned because your A ended because claiming sexual harrassment when it's not is a serious offense to those of us who have been through that experience.
You need to ask yourself why you let this behavior go on so long and why would you allow a man to send you emails for so long of a sexual nature if you really didn't enjoy it. This just sounds like there is a lot more to this story than what you are telling us. Most women past 20 years of age are smart enough to stop a man in his tracks when we see that he is acting inappropriately unless we really want him to or he forces himself on us once that's different.
Based on my experiences as an executive in HR in my state, I will tell you that I don't think you have a leg to stand on in court, or in the court of public opinion... at least not mine.
I think you're perspective is very skewed. In any event, I wish you well in sorting it out - however you choose to do that.
Now that it is clear that this matter has nothing to do with helping you recover from an affair, I will refrain from commenting further - not because I wouldn't like to see you get the answers you seek, but because I don't want to stretch the already limited resources of this board and take away from the people who are posting for Affair recovery support.
Best to you.
Dee
""To be sexually harrassed for five years is a bit much and not do anything about it."
How did you get the impression that I didn't do anything about it?
"at least not mine."
"I think you're perspective is very skewed."
Those are pretty strong conclusions based on the very small amount of information you got, don't you think?
"
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