A different perspective maybe.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
A different perspective maybe.....
25
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 11:45am
I keep hearing that 95% of the MM never leaves his wife. That only 5% of relationships starting in an affair actually make it. Well, my question is what did that 5% do to actually make it work? I am trying desparately to end my 3 year affair, but what if he and I are in that 5% that worked out? What if I am giving up on the most wonderous passionate all consuming relationship/love that will last for the next 50 years????

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 11:54am

Kelly,

I know in reality, that it is true that not many A end up together in the end. But in my case, everyone I've ever known who had affairs affect their lives have ended up together. My xH and his OW are now married and very happy together. My dad and his OW are getting married in March. I have a client who left his W for OW and they have lived together for 3 years now and are engaged. It seemed to work out for everyone around me, except for me. I think I am the exception to the rule in my world. I don't know what to tell you other than if you've been in this relationship for 3 yrs and he hasn't left yet, I doubt that he will. All the people I've mentioned here left their W within a year. Less actually. So I'm thinking the odds are probably against you. I don't know, every situation is different. I would still say end it. If you're meant to be together, fate will find a way, even if you DO end it. Good luck!!

Pal

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 12:09pm
Pal,
Thank you! I know that ending it right now is for the best. I am honestly ending it without hopes of him coming back or "bringing him to his knees." I cannot handle knowing that he is with someone else when he supposedly loves me. His reasons for not leaving are very valid and understandable (I guess). Anyway...I just hope that I am not screwing up the best thing (Him) that has ever or will ever happen to me. I pray this is the right thing to do. Right now it sure doesn't feel that way. I am devastated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 12:19pm

I know that only something like 5% of people who play the lottery will ever win something, but what if my ticket is the 100 million dollar jackpot??? I mean, do you think I should spend my money on something like rent or saving for a future when I could possibly be one of those 5% that wins??? Why should I work when I can wait on my numbers to hit and have a 5% chance of hitting the big payoff???

If you look at it that way, Kelly, it really is a different perspective.

We all play, 'what ifs'. Its one of the most self destructive little areas of our brains, the one in charge of the 'what ifs'. It keeps us awake at night, makes us second guess what we know is right and makes us hope and pray and wish for something unrealistic and unattainable.

The hard part is that we have both seen affairs work out. My mother and step father were both married when they met and began dating. They're now married and very happy.
But they are an exception, not the rule.

You can't live life praying that you're an exception.

Do what's right for you right now... and if you are meant to hit that lotto, you will wake up one morning to find that winning ticket taped to the door... along with a crisp set of divorce papers.

Good luck sister!!!

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 3:29pm

Pal/Kelly

The thing about affair based relationships is that you never here people that had there relationship telling everyone about how it went TITS up, it's kind of like how you here stories of how seat belts caused someone to get hurt or killed in an accident from people that do not want to wear them, they never draw attention to the 99 percent of the people who are spared death or injury by wearing them.

The stat is that MORE then 95 percent of affair based relationships die in LESS then a year when they go out in the open over time the number gets worse, some people stay in the relationship/marriage with the AP even when things are bad because of all the pain they caused getting together.

Another little fact is it is very rare for a man that has reached the 3 year mark in a affair to ever leave the spouse, the longer the affair the less likely hood the man will leave the marriage.

We have had people in affairs for up to 17 years here before they came to the truth that he will never leave his wife for them because he has things the way he wants them.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 3:45pm
I am so miserable. I don't know what I am going to do. I am not going to make it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 3:51pm

Yes you will. I'm right there with you, but we'll both make it through this.

Human beings are so much stronger emotionally than they know.

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 4:51pm

If you really want to know if you are in the 5%, then I firmly believe you need to 'walk away' from him...

Three years is a long time. Clearly while you are around he is not motivated to make any kind of changes in his marital status. With you 'there' all his needs are probably met. Once you are gone, he will be able to clearly see the loss and will either be motivated to leave to get you back or will accept he has lost you and will stay with his wife.

As far as you go, I would start getting on with your life as though it is over. If he should make some hard decisions he will come pounding on your door. He might very well even if he hasn't decided to leave. Mine did at Christmas this year - he brought me some beautiful earrings and whispered in my ear that he still couldn't give me what I deserved, but that he missed me. I should have said 'then there is nothing to talk about' and asked him to go. I have said that now, but unfortunately I did slip back into things for a few weeks. Dumb of me - don't do that. Stick with your conviction. You will not be his mistress any longer. If he wants you he will need to offer you an honourable place in his life - not to mention getting his head around what he's done.

Anyway, keep your chin up. Tell yourself all the time that you deserve to be first in your man's life. Any man that can't/won't offer you that - can not have you!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 6:48pm

Kelly

If you cave it is only a matter of time until your back he for the same reasons that brought you here in the first place the only difference is that it will HURT WORSE the next time you will feel like a bigger loser then ever ask anyone that has done it.

Then you will get to start from square one all over again, all the pain you have already gone through will have been for NOTHING and it will be harder the next time then this time.

Stay here stay connected to your support group and recieve strength from people that understand you and what your going through.

You can do this if you decide to.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 7:53pm
I WILL do this! His sister is dying of cancer and he has been visiting her for about 10 days. He will want me to "be there" for him. I will not. He will have to either deal with it on his own or that is what his W is for. He will need me, but I WILL not be there! I WILL do this!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 8:52pm
From one Kelly to another, I feel your pain...I know where you are...I've been going between the Affair support board to Ending your affair board because as much as I know what is right, I can't bring myself to do it. I too believe that myself and MM are the exception and we were meant to be together, that he needs me and I just don't want to let go even though I know that I have to. And I know the only way to know for sure is to walk away and if he follows it's meant to be, easier said than done, which is why I'm looking towards the ending board for support. I did have "the talk" with him and he cried and begged me to stay, to give him time and though he has made steps towards ending his M to be with me, they are only baby steps...I gave in though and continued to see him and now, as was said earlier in this thread, I am back to square one. I know the percentatges and as sure as I am that they are in my favor in this situation, am I really willing to bet my future on it? No..that's why I'm trying to gain the strength, through the Endings board, to let go, to walk away and hope that he follows, but let the chips fall as they may, I need to know one way or the other. In my case it's only been 4 months, but I do love this man, my soulmate, more than anything...but to risk my sanity, my self esteem, my future, which is what I am giving away if I continue to let him talk me into what I know, in my heart, is not right, is just insane. I am my happiest 100% when I am with him, but away from him I feel guilt and doubt which is eating me up from the inside. I can't tell you to walk away, when I myself can not do that as of yet, but everything everybody else has said on this thread hits home, and I just hope that soon, we both have the courage to believe so as well. My thoughts and prayers are with you...I hope it works out for the best for both of us!

Pages