A different perspective maybe.....
Find a Conversation
A different perspective maybe.....
| Sun, 01-16-2005 - 11:45am |
I keep hearing that 95% of the MM never leaves his wife. That only 5% of relationships starting in an affair actually make it. Well, my question is what did that 5% do to actually make it work? I am trying desparately to end my 3 year affair, but what if he and I are in that 5% that worked out? What if I am giving up on the most wonderous passionate all consuming relationship/love that will last for the next 50 years????

Pages
Kelly,
Thanks for your support. I am very strong right now because I am very pissed off. I don't know what I will do when he comes begging and crying. He always does that, and I always cave. I love him so much. I think this NC will give us both time to think and get our lives headed in the direction we need them to go....mine without him, him towards whatever will make him happy. I love him very very much....maybe this is what they call "tough love."
Hi Evil,
I was in your exact position. 4 month affair, CRAZY about him and I just now walked away.
I'm here if you need to talk.
Hugs to you!
"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t
Kelly, are you out of your mind?! I agree with Free. Over 70% of second marriages do not work out. If either the H or W (or both) bring minor children into the marriage, then over 75% of marriages end in divorce. (I have no idea if these are marriages started as an affair or if the parties found each other after the divorce(s).)
And all of you who know married couples who left their former marriages for each other and are happy with each other -- how LONG have they been married?? In 3-10 years after the wedding -- guess what? It's not going to be much different than their previous marriage. First of all, because few, IF ANY, bad marriages are the fault of only one party. So your 'Honey' -- if he doesn't go to therapy -- is going to bring his relationship problems into the marriage to you. Secondly, the "gooey feelings" wear off sooner or later (usually sooner -- much sooner): You wake up one morning and realize you really HAVEN'T been sleeping next to Prince Charming and that this marriage is going to take work. I realize you don't FEEL that way right now because your feelings and hormones are doing a number on you BIG TIME, and you're not thinking rationally. But it is going to happen. And it's going to happen to every one of those people who left their spouses for someone else and it's going to happen to their spouses. (Just not at the same time -- which is worse.)
Do you WANT to spend the rest of your life with a man who cheats on his wife?? If he has children (I forget, or you didn't tell us), then his wife and those children (and his grandchidren by that marriage) are going to be around you (and your husband and your marriage to this man) for the rest of your life -- reminding you that you helped to break up a family. And as you get older and the goo-goo feelings for MM wear off, you are probably going to find yourself in a world of hurt. I've known couples who have divorced and remarried others, and the four of them wind up being great friends -- but there was no OW/OM involved in the their divorces.
What is so wonderful about this affair is not HIM -- IT'S THE AFFAIR! Expose your relationship to the light of normal day and see what happens. Wait a year or two before you get married -- shack up for a while. THEN see if you REALLY want to marry him. You will NEVER, EVER be able to trust him! Not completely. Not ever. Do you WANT THAT?
You're going to hurt a lot for a while. I remember thinking I would die without him. I not only didn't die, I'm doing very well in all areas of my life.
Find a therapist, get a life, and tell this man to get lost. BTW, I just had breakfast today with a new friend whose husband (of two years) was cheating on her and has recently left her for the OW. SHE is totally devastated. She loved him and still does. They spent a lot of money on fertility doctors, trying to get pregnant. She is not only devastated but she feels rejected and STUPID -- "how could I have not known he was having an affair??" The only good thing is that they didn't have any children.
A couple of years ago my neighbor's husband, of 36 years, went to his high school reunion (without wife), met his HS Sweetheart, came home, moved out and moved in with HS Sweetheart. The woman was literally in shock. She thought they were happily married. She said, "I'm 60 years old -- I don't know how to live alone or function alone. He did everything." She is still not all right.
How do you build happiness on someone else's devastation? What kind of a foundation is that for a marriage??
The right road is never easy. How did I let go? I haven't let go, I've had to cut my d@mn hands off to keep from going back.
Its the hardest thing I've ever had to do.... every night hurts, every minute hurts, every second of the DAY hurts me. It tears me apart that he's not here with me and vice versa.
But you will NEVER have what you want in the current "relationship".
You will be the other woman until you make yourself your own woman by leaving him.
I can't answer all your what ifs, I can't answer mine. But I can say with 100% certainty that you can't live a life on what ifs.
Get out now, sister. No contact, no looking back!
"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t
If email makes you comfortable, do it that way.
This is about what's right for you. Screw him.
Its hard and it SUCKS... but in the long run, you will be so grateful you did it.
You have to be your own woman. Stand up for yourself and demand more.
Send him the email and then cut off all contact.
You can do it, girl!!
"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t
ask yourself this...
If both of you have two children who are minors and are still seeing each other 4 to 5 nights a week...who the heck is being a PARENT?
Priorities girl...he mightve lost his...but only you can control yours. Ya might want to pick up Dr. Laura's books (i know i know she can be a real b on the radio) but she is trying to save the next generation. Looks like the current one could used to be saved too.
I dont have kids, neither did he...I wouldve NEVER considered even looking at him. I am STILL a fool for thinking otherwise however (not saying I am better than anyone else). He stayed married for what? I will never know..and he is onto his next fling. Now i just have humiliation on top of lonelyness. ENOUGH.
Go back to doing your job of raising your kids. Get MC. Get Divorced if you have to and don't worry so much about your social life with a married man who is "staying for the kids" but not being a father. Be a mother however.
Enjoy an amazing social life while your kids are doing college homework. Easier said than done? Think about that statement. Easy doesn't always mean better. How much have you cried? Ive cried too much in my life and it wasn't always over a man. I can chose to make my life better (almost chose to end it altogether...i got nothing to show for my life...no one out of 6 billion....you have your children. When you chose to have them you decided to not have such an easy life...stick to the committment).
When you get out of the fog or you are forced to deal with a real life crisis with your kids...you are going to say to self "what the he*l was I thinking???"
Get out and stay out,
(tough love feeling today),
Lizzie
Kelly:
You can't be giving up something that you don't have in the first place. If it was the most wonderful relationship, you'd be able to show your face in public with him. It's an affair, and of their very nature, they lead us to believe it's all rainbows and hearts. It's not. It's heady stuff, I know. But it isn't real, it isn't right, and he isn't yours. You're making the right choice to end it. Who knows, maybe one day he'll get a divorce and look you up again. Probably not. That's not easy to hear, but it is the truth, and I assume that's what you're here for.
Pages