A different perspective maybe.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
A different perspective maybe.....
25
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 11:45am
I keep hearing that 95% of the MM never leaves his wife. That only 5% of relationships starting in an affair actually make it. Well, my question is what did that 5% do to actually make it work? I am trying desparately to end my 3 year affair, but what if he and I are in that 5% that worked out? What if I am giving up on the most wonderous passionate all consuming relationship/love that will last for the next 50 years????
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 9:00pm

Kelly,

Thanks for your support. I am very strong right now because I am very pissed off. I don't know what I will do when he comes begging and crying. He always does that, and I always cave. I love him so much. I think this NC will give us both time to think and get our lives headed in the direction we need them to go....mine without him, him towards whatever will make him happy. I love him very very much....maybe this is what they call "tough love."

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 9:04pm

Hi Evil,

I was in your exact position. 4 month affair, CRAZY about him and I just now walked away.
I'm here if you need to talk.

Hugs to you!

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 9:16pm

Kelly, are you out of your mind?! I agree with Free. Over 70% of second marriages do not work out. If either the H or W (or both) bring minor children into the marriage, then over 75% of marriages end in divorce. (I have no idea if these are marriages started as an affair or if the parties found each other after the divorce(s).)

And all of you who know married couples who left their former marriages for each other and are happy with each other -- how LONG have they been married?? In 3-10 years after the wedding -- guess what? It's not going to be much different than their previous marriage. First of all, because few, IF ANY, bad marriages are the fault of only one party. So your 'Honey' -- if he doesn't go to therapy -- is going to bring his relationship problems into the marriage to you. Secondly, the "gooey feelings" wear off sooner or later (usually sooner -- much sooner): You wake up one morning and realize you really HAVEN'T been sleeping next to Prince Charming and that this marriage is going to take work. I realize you don't FEEL that way right now because your feelings and hormones are doing a number on you BIG TIME, and you're not thinking rationally. But it is going to happen. And it's going to happen to every one of those people who left their spouses for someone else and it's going to happen to their spouses. (Just not at the same time -- which is worse.)

Do you WANT to spend the rest of your life with a man who cheats on his wife?? If he has children (I forget, or you didn't tell us), then his wife and those children (and his grandchidren by that marriage) are going to be around you (and your husband and your marriage to this man) for the rest of your life -- reminding you that you helped to break up a family. And as you get older and the goo-goo feelings for MM wear off, you are probably going to find yourself in a world of hurt. I've known couples who have divorced and remarried others, and the four of them wind up being great friends -- but there was no OW/OM involved in the their divorces.

What is so wonderful about this affair is not HIM -- IT'S THE AFFAIR! Expose your relationship to the light of normal day and see what happens. Wait a year or two before you get married -- shack up for a while. THEN see if you REALLY want to marry him. You will NEVER, EVER be able to trust him! Not completely. Not ever. Do you WANT THAT?

You're going to hurt a lot for a while. I remember thinking I would die without him. I not only didn't die, I'm doing very well in all areas of my life.

Find a therapist, get a life, and tell this man to get lost. BTW, I just had breakfast today with a new friend whose husband (of two years) was cheating on her and has recently left her for the OW. SHE is totally devastated. She loved him and still does. They spent a lot of money on fertility doctors, trying to get pregnant. She is not only devastated but she feels rejected and STUPID -- "how could I have not known he was having an affair??" The only good thing is that they didn't have any children.

A couple of years ago my neighbor's husband, of 36 years, went to his high school reunion (without wife), met his HS Sweetheart, came home, moved out and moved in with HS Sweetheart. The woman was literally in shock. She thought they were happily married. She said, "I'm 60 years old -- I don't know how to live alone or function alone. He did everything." She is still not all right.

How do you build happiness on someone else's devastation? What kind of a foundation is that for a marriage??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 9:42pm
Thank you...but please tell me...how did you finally let go? Because I know I have to..I know it's the right thing to do...but damn it pisses me off that it's always up to me to do the right thing and give up what makes me happy when so many other people are out there doing whatever they please and it always seems to work out in their favor. I was brought up knowing this was wrong and never imagined that I'd be involved with MM, but it just happened (famous last words, I know) We were just friends and I was laying in a hospital bed and next thing I know 3 weeks later, he's laying in my bed and we're professing our love and now I don't know that I can live without him...it's just like everybody says on the boards..it's like it was meant to be...soul mates...etc. How does it just happen like that? He knows that I can't live like this...had the talk New Years day that I can't be the OW, he asked me not to give up on him..to give him time...if I knew for a fact it was going to work out, I would give him all the time in the world, but I can't see the future...so how much time do I give him? or do I tell him N/C until he makes a move...what move do I wait for? him to move out or divorce papers? if it were just her, I'd say out now but there are 2 kids involved here (ages 12 & 10). I'm 99% sure if I told him out now, he's be out of there now, but I don't want him to regret it later because of the kids. As things stand now, I see him 4-5 nights out of the week (I know what am I bitchin about) but it kills me when he can't spend the night or anytime he mentions "home" or talks about the kids...major guilt trip. I have my own 2 kids (14 & 11) so I know how hard it must be for him to walk away...I don't want to be the reason for that, how much it will hurt him & them...here I go on another guilt trip...Do I continue to see him, show him I'm there for him (as in unconditional love). Above all, I know I'd rather let him go than to have have to live like this for God knows how long...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 9:52pm

The right road is never easy. How did I let go? I haven't let go, I've had to cut my d@mn hands off to keep from going back.

Its the hardest thing I've ever had to do.... every night hurts, every minute hurts, every second of the DAY hurts me. It tears me apart that he's not here with me and vice versa.

But you will NEVER have what you want in the current "relationship".

You will be the other woman until you make yourself your own woman by leaving him.

I can't answer all your what ifs, I can't answer mine. But I can say with 100% certainty that you can't live a life on what ifs.

Get out now, sister. No contact, no looking back!

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 10:11pm
I know I know I know you are sooo right and I appreciate your advice...but how? I tried the talk face 2 face on NYs day and ended up gaving in...can't do it over the phone, the words just won't come, have already written the email...last week...still saved to drafts...can I do it by email? Keeping in mind that I'll still have to talk to him over the phone for work purposes? He will be shattered, I have no doubt about that, but I also know it's not fair for any of us to continue living like this...but how, in just 4 months, did he become so much a part of my life? There is nothing I can do throughout the day that will not remind me of him!!! From going to work, to watching TV to taking my medicine every nite (which he reminds me to do) to going to bed? How do you do it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 10:20pm

If email makes you comfortable, do it that way.

This is about what's right for you. Screw him.

Its hard and it SUCKS... but in the long run, you will be so grateful you did it.

You have to be your own woman. Stand up for yourself and demand more.

Send him the email and then cut off all contact.

You can do it, girl!!

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 6:18am

ask yourself this...

If both of you have two children who are minors and are still seeing each other 4 to 5 nights a week...who the heck is being a PARENT?
Priorities girl...he mightve lost his...but only you can control yours. Ya might want to pick up Dr. Laura's books (i know i know she can be a real b on the radio) but she is trying to save the next generation. Looks like the current one could used to be saved too.

I dont have kids, neither did he...I wouldve NEVER considered even looking at him. I am STILL a fool for thinking otherwise however (not saying I am better than anyone else). He stayed married for what? I will never know..and he is onto his next fling. Now i just have humiliation on top of lonelyness. ENOUGH.

Go back to doing your job of raising your kids. Get MC. Get Divorced if you have to and don't worry so much about your social life with a married man who is "staying for the kids" but not being a father. Be a mother however.

Enjoy an amazing social life while your kids are doing college homework. Easier said than done? Think about that statement. Easy doesn't always mean better. How much have you cried? Ive cried too much in my life and it wasn't always over a man. I can chose to make my life better (almost chose to end it altogether...i got nothing to show for my life...no one out of 6 billion....you have your children. When you chose to have them you decided to not have such an easy life...stick to the committment).

When you get out of the fog or you are forced to deal with a real life crisis with your kids...you are going to say to self "what the he*l was I thinking???"
Get out and stay out,
(tough love feeling today),
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 10:24am
I'm sorry, perhaps I should have explained the situation better...I am not M, been divorced for almost 10 yrs now. The majority of evenings that we spend together are spent at my house, with my children, who absolutely love him. As far as his kids go, that is his decision...I do not force him to see me every night, but I also don't stop him. I do feel guilty about that, about taking him away from them. As far as the W, she has her own "thing" going on and they have been living in separate bedrooms for 3 yrs (I know this to be true because we have friends in common though I've never met W). I don't think that's exactly healthy for the children either, or a good example to set, but again, that's his decision. I know if I told him today that we were done until he was out of the house, he would be out tonight, but I don't want to give ultimatums because that will only come back to bite me on the a$$ later. He has already started moving a few of his things out of the house & down to his shop, which is forward progress...or is he just doing it to appease me?? That's the worst part for me, the doubt...just that little bit of doubt about everything he says or does that makes me want out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 1:44pm

Kelly:

You can't be giving up something that you don't have in the first place. If it was the most wonderful relationship, you'd be able to show your face in public with him. It's an affair, and of their very nature, they lead us to believe it's all rainbows and hearts. It's not. It's heady stuff, I know. But it isn't real, it isn't right, and he isn't yours. You're making the right choice to end it. Who knows, maybe one day he'll get a divorce and look you up again. Probably not. That's not easy to hear, but it is the truth, and I assume that's what you're here for.