A different perspective maybe.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
A different perspective maybe.....
25
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 11:45am
I keep hearing that 95% of the MM never leaves his wife. That only 5% of relationships starting in an affair actually make it. Well, my question is what did that 5% do to actually make it work? I am trying desparately to end my 3 year affair, but what if he and I are in that 5% that worked out? What if I am giving up on the most wonderous passionate all consuming relationship/love that will last for the next 50 years????

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 3:13pm

hi kelly

this is my biggest fear of all.

what if.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 10:29pm

The situation you describe is pretty straightforward, in my opinion. The crux of the problem comes down to the kids. Now I don't have kids, but I do know one thing about raising kids and that's that they need stability and structure. Your dad either lives with your mom or he doesn't. Kids can learn to deal with situations, even painful ones, if they can make sense of them. Right now everything is up in air and unknown. That's hell for kids. I hated that kind of confusion when I was a kid.

You have to make a decision. Are you going to be with this guy or not? If his wife doesn't love him/he doesn't love her and he loves you/you love him, then he should get a divorce, work out custody, and marry you. I don't see the problem here. You're both adults and know that there isn't a perfect solution. Everybody is going to be hurt by this situation in some way. So find the best solution, go through with it, reconcile yourself with whatever decision you make, and get on with living in an intelligent manner. Just my .02 cents. skippxt

Skip




Edited 1/17/2005 10:34 pm ET ET by skip_mcgillicuddy
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 10:10am
Your 2 cents is greatly appreciated and completely correct. Spent all day yesterday and last nite thinking about the situation and came to the same conclusion...if he really loved me he would make the move...no more fencesitting...this situation is not healthy for anybody, including the kids. Was pretty stand offish with him when he called last nite so he told me to call him today...did not call him, do not plan on it. I sent him an email telling him that I couldn't deal with the situation as it was, that I do love him but can no longer live with the doubt and guilt and that perhaps he should take some time to think about what it is that he really wants. Technically, I guess I didn't end it, but I have a feeling he'll interpret it as that or he'll be so upset about me hurting that he'll end it, one way or the other. At least I hope so because I don't know that I have the strength to do it just yet...still have some hope left in me. I do feel better about taking a stand for myself. Let him do some thinking for once because I'm tired of always thinking about it. Told him to put himself in my shoes...don't think he'll like how it feels. Do have to deal with him on the phone at work so now everytime the phone rings I want to throw up!!! Wish me luck and strength not to back down this time!!! Thanks all for the advice and support and any additional advice would be appreciated right now!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 2:04pm
I'm sorry but does not any body see the other side. I posted on another thread, short of it is my husban treated my like s*** and he cheated me tried to control me but yet I stayed because Is beleived it was the right thing to do because of my daughter and I was afaid of loosing every thing. I never cheated on my H and I was a good wife. Why cannot some of these thing apply to a man who is having an A, sometimes they have wives woh are demading and controling using the child or children against or even threating to take them for every bit of every thing they have worked for. I beleive that women get cought up in the situation and I know men who have as well not just my MM but male friends I know there are bad woman out there also. The W who have had A some have said they have a good husband but still choose to have a A some have ewven told H and some H have forgiven and stayed. Why is it just the men who are the ones who are at fault. I stayed and did'nt want to. I felt I had too and I stayed 15 yrs.
just some thing to think about,
kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 6:24pm

Hi princess E,

Good for you. You need stability and structure, too. One way or another, you need an answer from your MM regarding this situation. Every so often something comes up where I have to make a hard decision in order to preserve my sanity. I think that's about where you're at now. Whether you should break it off with your guy or not is a decision you have to make based on what is realistic. Remember, one day the pain and grief will all be behind you if you make a firm decision. skippxt

All the best,

Skip

Pages