Difficult day today

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Difficult day today
5
Sun, 12-27-2009 - 11:36pm

Today was pretty hard. I dont know why. Christmas was fine, even the day after. But for some reason, I really struggled today. I was missing him terribly and thinking about things we've done, questioning, and picturing scenarios. It was horrible. I felt like I just broke up with him today. It feels worse than day 1.


I think what's bothering me more than anything is all the pain he's caused me. I think I'm upset b/c I first of all got into the A and then allowed myself to be used, lied to, deceived, heartbroken and so many other negative things. I'm mad at how much I gave of my body, mind, heart and soul. I know he is no good for me, but the questions i have, the compromising of my morals and values, the sacrificing really had a hold on me today. wth is wrong with me? I was ok. The way I felt today came out of nowhere. I hope tomorrow is better. I refuse to feel this way when New Year's comes around. Geez, this blows

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Sun, 12-27-2009 - 11:42pm
Well Caribu, it sounds like you're into the "acceptance" stage of grief.
Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 12:27am

I agree with energy, but am no expert....i am having a low night, doing all the same things you just described. the scenarios really get to me. bad. i am alone tonight, that could be whats getting to me. Do you recognize any triggers? things that take you on that path of those thoughts, scenarios etc..? maybe avoid those things? just a suggestion.

My problem tonight is that I have this overwhelming need to tell him a bunch of things, things i never got to say...you see, the very day after the A (again, A is not for affair in this case) I told him it was over and made him leave my home. I later found out a bunch of things and the night of the A he did some really insensitive things. I was there cramping in pain and he was asking me what outfit he could put together for a trip he was taking to TN. He was also telling me that although he was finally leaving wife, he no longer wanted to be in a exclusive relationship with me, he wanted to see me still and have sex and all. but that he was not ready to be chained down any further than he already was or had been for years.....all this the very day I had the A. I mean, what an ass? how cruel is that? I mean he showed his true colors and all....said he wanted to be honest with me and did not want to lie to me anymore. Great timing...little late since i never knew he was married to begin with, and NOW he wanted to be honest?? bad timing. what a selfish sob...I was drugged up but I remember.
I aint seen him since and I never got to tell him what an ass i thought he was for that. how bad his timing was, how much it hurt that i was there in pain and he was worried about what outfit to wear for his trip out of town....I never got to tell him and I am a venter...I want to tell him so bad.

the urge is overwhelming.....but I am just going to draft or journal....no point in contacting him. he may never hear my words and had yet to come fishing....me talking to wife made me the enemy and crazy psycho girl....i dont think i could reach him if i tried, sometimes i wish i could vent to his vm. But then i would always wonder if he got it...so here i am on this board venting and sucking it up.

hope your tomorrow is better. it will be, declare it, my tomorrow night has to be better too, I been high, here is my little low....hopefully you have some highs and fewer lows as the days go by. I am here and up tonight if you need me.

hang in there....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 12:35am
Awe I am sorry you are feeling this way. As you know my last few days have been awful as well.
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. --Shawn Alexander
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 1:33am

thanks guys,


I'm still up and dont know why. at least if I sleep I wont be thinking of him.Oh I forgot I keep dreaming of him too. It's like I cant

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 11:56am

Good girl, Sienna, for coming