Difficulty making the move to breakup

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
Difficulty making the move to breakup
2
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 10:55pm
I've been seeing my MM for entirely too long. I hate to even admit how long...almost 9.5 years. I began working with him, well for him—it is so cliché, he's my boss—when I was 26. We still work together so we see each other everyday during the week. I am so in love with him, which is why I let it continue as long as I have.

I have been lying to myself all these years, telling myself that he would leave his wife and he would marry me. He was careful never to tell me that, but I would read whatever I wanted to in any statement he said. We can be very adept at deceiving ourselves--at least I can.

Anyway, the blinders have finally come off, and I am seriously thinking about breaking up. I know it would be best for me to do so in order to ever have the type of relationship I truly want. How do I step off that cliff, face my fears about the future and really let go of all the hopes, all the time, all the love that I have invested in this, and just move on?

I have agonized over this for a week now. He knows I'm thinking of calling it quits and he's given me space and is letting me call the shots, so to speak. Half of me wants him to fight me and try to talk me out of it, the other half would be so outraged by it. It would be a no-win situation for him, which I think he knows.

Does anyone have any pointers, words of encouragement, anything that might help me?

Thanks,

Kathy


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 1:14am
<<<<< We can be very adept at deceiving ourselves--at least I can. >>>>>

Sweetie, we are all good at doing this. We hear what we want to hear, even when our heart knows the real truth. I can't believe how similar our situations are, but after almost 5 years something happened within me that I still haven't been able to completely understand, but necessary for my survival. Around three weeks ago I started to listen to my intuition. Actually, it was hollaring at me so I really didn't have a choice :) It told me that "Now is the time to let go." So, I developed a plan but KNEW that the only way it was going to work was if I took it 1 day at a time....

I lied the first week and told him I was just not feeling well. He was very understanding. The second week I told him that I was under a lot of stress at home (daughter had graduated from college and is now at home for a while). In truth, I am loving her company, but my white lie bought me some more space. Then last week I avoided him completely by burrying myself in my work every time he entered the room. Finally yesterday, when he walked over to rub my shoulders (his usual introduction for playing around), I told him I had a headache. A headache? Hah! Guess who I am sounding like now????

<<<<>>>>>

Eventually they do. Since we are living in a fantasy world, over time the reality starts to seep in. We find out that this whole thing becomes draining and stressful, and our MM isn't "ALL THAT" anymore. So I tried it on for size. Because I know him so well, I know that he is unconfrontational, and even though he KNOWS something is a miss, he is too chicken to come right out and ask. Another reprieve. So WHALA! Three weeks into "Indifference by choice" and now I KNOW I can end this and still work there just fine. I believe it all comes down to making THAT FINAL DECISION that enough is enough.

<<>>>

As of yesterday, so does my MM. I left him an email before I went home saying, "Every day that I don't touch another woman's husband is another day that I am closer to my own truth." I didn't say that I was done, but I have now planted the seeds. Somehow it's easier just letting it die a natural death. Neither one of us EVER pressured the other over "What's wrong?" stuff. He never made me any promises either and told me right out of the gate that he would never divorce. It was my choice to hang in there all of these years, and now it my choice to end it.

We woman have always had the POWER to stop this. We can only fool ourselves for so long and then that little voice speaks out (screams out) that now is the time to stop the madness.

Good luck my friend,

True




Edited 6/13/2004 9:15 am ET ET by b_true_2_yourself

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 8:04pm
Thank you, True. I really need support right now. I know that I've got to get to that point in my head to over-rule my heart. Why is it so hard to do what you know you need to do?

Thanks again,

Kathy