Dig Deep

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Dig Deep
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 9:49am

So, I loved when Iddy started the Dig Deep series. Made me really think about me and what I was doing or not doing. I miss Dig Deep and Iddy. There is a book by Eckart Tolle some of you may know called The Power of Now. I just read an article on-line referencing the concept of surrender that is discussed in this book. For a very long time I have been my own worst enemy in many ways with regard to xap. The relationship although we saw each other daily and had lots of "dates" primarily existed in my mind. Regardless of how much time spent together we both had families to return to and more time apart than actually together so the relationship would carry on in my head....where of course he was perfection lol and where I lived constantly in anticipation of something (a call, text, no call, no text, proclamations of undying love,stories of w which would riddle me with frustration). I had a hard time with my multiple endings partially because I was stil living in my head and the past hurts and joys I felt in the A as well as the perceived loss of a future. I have done some things recently to protect myself further from x and as a result the dwelling and anxiety are gone. Here is the link to the article....it is a little long but there are many good take aways for reclaiming your life and living in the present. Take a look or a read and share your thoughts. Thanks Hopeful


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: hopeful2012
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 1:04pm

Ahhhh yes....living in our heads.  It's where most affairs reside...ohhhh, the fantasy of it all.

I have to add that, when things took a real turn for the worse, and we even managed to get through *that*...JAM should have been afraid of what I was living in my head. He never knows how close he came to  _________.  I'll let you all fill in the blank. :smileyvery-happy:

This is great reading, Hopeful.  Thanks for sharing it.

I'm happy to hear that you took the final steps to protect yourself.



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
In reply to: hopeful2012
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 3:04pm

Well thanks Clarity...I felt like my thread was going over like a lead balloon LOL LOL.

Here is what I felt spoke most to me about how I got so stuck and couldn't progress:

It is drama that freezes one in place spinning hurts and pain of the past in ways that merely lead to more spinning and pain in the present. The spinning and pain accumulate like so much stuff in the attic. It is the energy behind lives. It takes time and energy in the present to keep that of the past going. It is the false belief that if we don’t keep the past in mind and alive, something will be left undone or someone unpunished. It is what the ego needs for identity.

I always felt like something was left undone in the A or he still didn't quite get what was causing me stress and sadness. I could replay the stories...I would try yet again to make my point to him. I was so sick of feeling badly all the time and truly x wasnt some horrible person, I have said this before...it is just the relationship and its dysfunction. Dwelling on the past and fearful of the future prevents healing and forward progress. The only way to enjoy the present is to let go of past hurts. I have spoken here before of my narcissitic mother...she lives in the past, every conversation will be of how she has been wronged whether it be yesterday or 75 years ago. She is not a happy woman. She has never let go of any offense perceived or real.

My A was riddled with drama, I learned to react rather than think. I went against my true self. I sometimes felt I had post traumatic stress disorder. I never felt confident of what the day would bring, but for sure at some point I would be anxious and moody. Letting go and stopping trying to control the situation or make my point or get x to make a decision has allowed me to gain control again over my own life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
In reply to: hopeful2012
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 8:55pm
Hi Hopeful, my stupid phone is not letting me open the link but I will look.forward.to reading it when I can.
I.can.relate.so much to you, as you know. .My xAP is.a decent guy (apart.from.the obvious). I too have a mother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I wonder now.whether I pick people and situation to prove to myself that I *can* get someone to love me, since I never could with her.
I still live in my head a lot. But it is thinking about me, why I did what I did and how I can.becone a better me.
On the good days anyway :smileyhappy:
But.the days I think about *him*, how he is doing, what he is thinking are getting fewer and farther between.
Hugs to you
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: withclarity
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 11:00pm

Link opened for those unable to get to it :smileyhappy:  *waving at Rain*

There is a vast difference between being "happy" and finding a genuine inner peace that "passes all understanding" to quote the book. Happiness is often confused for inner peace. The two are not the same. One can be having a miserable experience and still be at the core "at peace." You can be suffering through the loss of a loved one, career, belief or be in a health crisis an still have an inner peace. When you meet these unusual people, you remember them. The bottom line is tied directly to how one graciously accepts what is as opposed to demanding life be some other way for happiness to be. Happiness is that shallow and temporary fix one gets from stuff, position and comfort, while peace is that deep ability to not define the real self by such elusive qualities. Inner peace is the ability to say "is that so" when life does what it does and defeat the drama queen in all of us with presence.

Is it Good, or is it Bad?

I have a saying "It’s not good, it’s not bad. It just is." on the wall in my workspace and many clients comment on it. They like it even thought they can’t quite say why they like it. I think the reason is that down deep, we all know that one can’t judge how something works out no matter how it seems at the moment.

A client knocked it off the wall accidentally and cracked the glass. She brought it out to me in tears and said she was so very sorry. I said read it.

I told her she made it even more perfect a truth than before by breaking the glass. I thanked her for how good the crack looked going all the way through the saying. She smiled and said "I get it but Dennis, you ain’t right." I hung it back up and now clients think the crack was deliberate for effect.

Who’s to say what is good or bad? So often what seems so good turns out to make a miserable experience. What seems so bad turns into the greatest teacher and opportunity. Doors open to better ways of being or an opportunity that never would have come any other way. Bad stomach cramps and a morning in the bathroom after an anniversary dinner the night before, gone bad, did, in fact, keep one business man from making it into work exactly where the first plane hit on 9/11. For him what’s bad certainly was good.

A "bad" experience can force one to let go of illusions, falsehoods and wrong concepts that will not serve one’s life experience. A "bad" experience can cause one to become more real, more humble, more compassionate and to possess an understanding. A bad experience, when viewed from the ego which is merely the mind’s false sense of the self can keep one frozen in time, bitter, angry and consumed with changing the unchangeable past. The ego is that unconscious and running mind that views itself as unique and separate from everything and everyone else. The ego views everyone and everything as a potential threat to itself and can only preserve itself with control, power, greed and attack. Ego runs and ruins organizations and sends governments off to commit genocide on those perceived as "them." All conflict is a battle of egos, and the need to be right. Give up the need to be right and you will have arrived at a state few attain to. 

Eckhart Tolle in The Power of Now sums it up nicely:

When two or more egos come together, drama of some kind or another ensues. But even if you live totally alone, you still create your own drama. When you feel sorry for yourself, that’s drama. When you feel guilty or anxious , that’s drama. When you let the past or future obscure the present, you are creating the stuff of which drama is made. Whenever you are not honoring the present moment by allowing it to be, you are creating drama.

Most people are in love with their particular life drama. Their story IS their particular life drama. When you live with complete acceptance of what is, that is the end of all drama in your life. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
In reply to: hopeful2012
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 9:00am
Thanks clarity....the link is 3 pages...it goes on a bit more...if people want and cannot open and want to read I'll copy the whole article in....just lmk. Thanks