ding dong I'm an idiot

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
ding dong I'm an idiot
3
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 1:18pm
OK. So I thought that I had a productive conversation with MM and that we were going to just be friends. I am one week post abortion and my world is upside down. I really believed that he would be there to provide emotional support while I am healing from all of this. Emotional support, friendship, a little concern, is that too much to ask for? Throughout our affair (which was mostly emotional), I never really asked for anything, never made demands, gave him tons of ego stroking. I just was with him because I wanted to escape from the real world. I just wanted to hide out. Bad decision. Anyway, it turns out that he is just not capable of providing me with any kind of support. I way overestimated our friendship. And I am so angry right now, I hate him for letting me down in more ways than one.

Here's the big reason why I am writing. I can not stop concocting revenge plans in my head. I just want to hurt him. I have lost SO much and he has lost nothing. I want to screw with his head like he has screwed with mine.

But somehwere in my sane self, I realize that revenge will only hurt me. Here I am at a crossroads where I can continue on my path of being a loving trusting person who really means well but screws up often OR I can turn into a vengeful, mean person and I may never find my way back from there.

HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 3:50pm
Take your pick from these sayings:

"If you're going to seek revenge, you'd better dig two graves." (Ancient Chinese)

"Time heals all wounds."

"Time wounds all heels." (karma)

Realsign, my heart goes out to you. Much of what you say reminds me of what went on between XMM and me. In retrospect, it was all about what I could give him - the emotional validation he isn't getting at home. While he offered to be my "safe harbor", he was surprisingly unsympathetic whenever I had a problem. It has taken me over four months of no contact to realize this - at the time I initiated no contact, I was torn apart by the idea of letting him go from my life. But I had to come out into the light again, reclaim my life, and give him the space to work on his struggling marriage.

I consciously used anger as a tool to pry him out of my heart. I've been struggling with that, and thinking about posting a question about the place of anger in the process of letting go. Am I using the anger, or is anger using me? Will I be able to let it go once it has served its purpose? He wants our friendship back, and I can't do that while I am still feeling angry, hurt, and rejected. Some days I feel on the way to TRULY letting go, and forgiving both myself and XMM, who was a dear, close friend for over a decade before (and during) our foolish emotional affair.

Anyway, while my XMM was perhaps foolish and thoughtless, yours sounds like an incredible heel (you can imagine what I'd really like to call him!), and not worthy of another moment of your thought. And while I understand and share your anger towards him, I urge you not to act on it. Believe me, the weight of what he did will come back on him in time without any help from you. Concentrate on your own healing. We're all idiots, realsign. Accept it and let it go. Move towards getting REAL love into your life - you deserve it!

Here are two passages from "The Secret Life of Bees", a wonderful novel about forgiveness and moving towards light:


I heard the bitter tone in my voice, and it came to me how I could lock that tone into my voice forever. From now on, every time I thought of my mother, I could, so easy, slip off into a cold place where meanness took over.


People, in general, would rather die than forgive. It’s that hard. If God said in plain language, “I’m giving you a choice, forgive or die,” a lot of people would go ahead and order their coffin.

Hugs to you!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 11:55am
Thanks so much for your reply. I've already read it three times today! Whenever I start feeling my anger rise up, I read the part you said about the full weight of this coming back to him in time. I think anger, for me, is so important. I rarely ever feel it (or at least recognize it) and hardly ever express it in good ways. As a result, I usually end up feeling like the victim. When I can literally put my foot down and say, "No, I am not the idiot here, he's the jerk," (although I usually use other inappropriate names) it makes me feel stronger. But you raise a good question as to how and when to let the anger go. I really don't know the answer to that. It would be nice to hear from others how anger has been a part of their process.

Thanks again for your support. It really helps a lot!

-real

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 8:46pm
Hi Real,

REVENGE! I have thought about that for some time. I as you wnat him to hurt also. I get angry when I sit feeling bad knowing he probably is not giving me a second thought. You are not an idiot. We all have so many different emotions and feeling to process after an A has ended. I for one knew and felt his was my soulmate. I am hoping in time we can move past the anger and revenge thoughts. I am trying so hard to forget and maybe one day be myself again.