I am good. Going through some crazy back and forth emotional cr*p right now. UGH! Will fill you in, I am getting ready to run out just wanted to send you a quick note to say thanks for thinking of me! You are sweet! This is much harder than I thought it would be! How are you doing? I have been coming here and just reading the posts but not feeling like talking right now. Not sure why. Feeling kinda lousy.
Yeah, I was noticing your absence too, Dipss, but I saw your post from the other day saying that you were going to try being friends. We all go through various stages of thinking (me, I go through 3 or 4 stages a day!!!) and it takes a long, long time to get comfortable. Please know that we are here for you, whichever stage you happen to be in. Chances are we've all been in that stage too, maybe more than once! Love and hugs, Mo.
Glad to hear from you, dipss! I'm kind of where you are as far as being more in the lurking mode these days, but wanted to check in. Thought about you when John Stevens finally got voted off AI the other night... ;-)
Momesq is right about the stages... We made two very serious attempts at the "friends" thing during the 5 year A. Didn't work for us, but a part of me is still hopeful that once I finally get "over" this, we'll be able to have some semblance of a friendship. Crazy? Anyway, there are definitely lots here who can relate.
Thanks you guys for checking in. God it is so hard, isnt it? The scary thing is that I just cant make sense of my feelings and emotions. Every day is so different. So confused about it all. I feel like such a loser that I just cant get it together. Make sense? I get angry at myself for putting myself on this emotional roller coaster. I come here lurking too for comfort. At times I find myself reading the posts and feeling sad, feeling a connection and sometimes just angry at the thought that we are all putting ourselves through this. Then I think "for what???" Are these men going through this? Probably not, is what I always think. That makes me angry.
So to update you...
We kinda decided we would try to be friends. First couple of days were great. Then he and my H decided to go out for drinks. I know, I know. Crazy right? I am even embarassed telling you that. Well I went out w/ my girlfriend for a drink that night and my H called me up and told me to meet them and then we could go home together. That was definitely not easy. In fact it was torture.
On the way home I IM'd my xMM and asked him if he found it hard to be around me. He did not respond, which killed me. The next day I emailed him and he said "I really thought nothing of being around you, all feelings for had "vanished like a cool summer breeze". I felt like a knife had been placed through my heart. I couldnt understand that. He told me was just being matter of fact.
We spoke today, and he said "what do you want me to tell you? Did you want me to get all emotional so we can start this all over again and get no where? Of course it was hard he said."
He knows that I sway w/ my decisions like the wind. So he says "so what have you decided today? Are we going back to not talking? Why dont you think about it and let me know on Monday what new decision you have come up w/."
I wish I could just make a decision and stick w/ it.
I am rambling...probably not making much sense....just writing thoughts down.
God I wish I never got myself into this situation cuz' it really feels impossible to back peddle.
Lord, I sound borderline psychotic dont I??
You know whats funny is that everyone here has such great advice, why cant we just take that advice and move on? Why must we hold onto this A? Why? Why? Why??
you are not the only one going through an emotional rollercoaster. today seems so hard for me I keep dreaming of OM. I know men are differnt then women but how do they let go so easy. My OM has OW. I feel horrible today I feel rejected I feel hurt.ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I dream that he was totally ignoring me and I was so angry about this. I woke up in a bad mood . I want to stop thinking and dreaming about him.Its been 4 days w complete no contact I have decided to not even be near where he is even not go to my kids game.
I sound like another crazy women. why can't I let go and yet he did so easy.
I don't think men just let go so easily, they're just wired differently. They're so much more practical and think without all that emotion. PLUS they don't have these crazy hormones coursing through their bodies. Me, even my moments of greatest sanity are shattered once a month with pms. Men just accept those things they can't "fix." If they can fix it, they will. If they can't, they forget about it. Darned if I can figure them out!!! LOL
I hope you ladies are feeling stronger soon, but please keep posting. Venting it out rather than acting on it is the best way to go!!! Love, Mo.
Thanks Mo! I hear you about the PMS thing...ugh! Its the worst!
You know whats weird? More weird thoughts but...I often feel bad throwing out all my feelings/emotions on here. I am one to keep most thoughts in my head. Not very good at expressing myself. That was one of the reasons I stopped going to my T. It started feeling too overwhelming. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed coming here too. Is that strange or what? I feel like I am burdening people w/ my crazy different emotions. One day I am strong then the next day I am a mess. I sometimes feel embarassed by my back and forth emotions.
A bit of a weirdo huh?!!! (lol)
Hope you are doing well. You sound much better on your posts and I think its great that you are focusing on your family. It is crazy how much energy and time is wasted on thinking about these men and A.
I am also trying to stay focused on my family but as you know those thoughts come creeping into our minds and sometimes take over. I do feel sad sometimes when I look at my sweet little boy and think these are the best times w/ him and I let my stupid A and emotions take over my moods. Definitely not fair to him. Then I feel guilty for screwing up and letting this happen. Poor baby, if he only new that his Mommy is a bit of a screw up when it comes to matters of the heart. One thing for certain he is the best thing in my whole life!
Hey Dipss? You're only as sick as your secrets. That's another one of our little "recovery" ditties. The things you keep in your head will drive you crazy. When you put it out there, especially in a somewhat anonymous forum like this, you realize that you're not really so crazy. We're all in the same boat, all made a great big huge mess in our lives and are now trying to resist the insanity of staying in the mess. Another little recovery saying: insanity is repeating the same action over and over and expecting a different outcome.
The pendulum effect (I love him, no, wait, I hate him, no actually I wish he was dead, but maybe I'll leave my H and marry him, I wonder what he's doing right now?, he had bad breath, I miss the sex, etc.) is soooooooooo normal in this situation. Give yourself a break there, Dipss! No one here is going to think you're a whack-job because you can't make your mind up to end the darned A and keep it ended!
Please do continue sharing with us. I enjoy "talking" with you and I think you have great insights. My final recovery slogan for this post: "you're right where you're supposed to be." Have a great weekend! Love, Mo.
Too funny! You made me laugh so hard at all the different thoughts and "he had bad breath"...LOL!! Too funny girl!
Thanks Mo. I appreciate it. Your insights are wise. Your recovery sayings are simple yet brilliant. Now if I could just follow some of this friggin' advice. Damn it!
I'll get there, I know. Just wish it didnt have to take so long. Wish he didnt have such control over my thoughts. The mind is a dangerous thing.
xo!
ps - you know what is even more whacked, I sometimes question if its cuz' I cant have him that I want him more. Its that whole do I really love him or was it the thrill I loved? Who knows. Enjoy your weekend too.
Shoot!! In all of this I forgot one of the most important things. AI!!! So you know that I was not a fan of poor John. BUT after he got thrown off, I felt so bad for him. My H looks at me and says "are you crying???". Can you imagine I started crying! My heart went out to him. I didnt realize the poor thing was only 16. Today my sister tells me that the poor thing had even been getting death threats. When I hear things like that I know I am not so crazy (lol).
Anyway, although I didnt love him, I did feel bad for him and I felt guilty for being so rough on the poor thing. Does that give you any kind of indication what a total sap I am???
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I am good. Going through some crazy back and forth emotional cr*p right now. UGH! Will fill you in, I am getting ready to run out just wanted to send you a quick note to say thanks for thinking of me! You are sweet! This is much harder than I thought it would be! How are you doing? I have been coming here and just reading the posts but not feeling like talking right now. Not sure why. Feeling kinda lousy.
Thanks for reaching out.
xo!
Momesq is right about the stages... We made two very serious attempts at the "friends" thing during the 5 year A. Didn't work for us, but a part of me is still hopeful that once I finally get "over" this, we'll be able to have some semblance of a friendship. Crazy? Anyway, there are definitely lots here who can relate.
Thanks you guys for checking in. God it is so hard, isnt it? The scary thing is that I just cant make sense of my feelings and emotions. Every day is so different. So confused about it all. I feel like such a loser that I just cant get it together. Make sense? I get angry at myself for putting myself on this emotional roller coaster. I come here lurking too for comfort. At times I find myself reading the posts and feeling sad, feeling a connection and sometimes just angry at the thought that we are all putting ourselves through this. Then I think "for what???" Are these men going through this? Probably not, is what I always think. That makes me angry.
So to update you...
We kinda decided we would try to be friends. First couple of days were great. Then he and my H decided to go out for drinks. I know, I know. Crazy right? I am even embarassed telling you that. Well I went out w/ my girlfriend for a drink that night and my H called me up and told me to meet them and then we could go home together. That was definitely not easy. In fact it was torture.
On the way home I IM'd my xMM and asked him if he found it hard to be around me. He did not respond, which killed me. The next day I emailed him and he said "I really thought nothing of being around you, all feelings for had "vanished like a cool summer breeze". I felt like a knife had been placed through my heart. I couldnt understand that. He told me was just being matter of fact.
We spoke today, and he said "what do you want me to tell you? Did you want me to get all emotional so we can start this all over again and get no where? Of course it was hard he said."
He knows that I sway w/ my decisions like the wind. So he says "so what have you decided today? Are we going back to not talking? Why dont you think about it and let me know on Monday what new decision you have come up w/."
I wish I could just make a decision and stick w/ it.
I am rambling...probably not making much sense....just writing thoughts down.
God I wish I never got myself into this situation cuz' it really feels impossible to back peddle.
Lord, I sound borderline psychotic dont I??
You know whats funny is that everyone here has such great advice, why cant we just take that advice and move on? Why must we hold onto this A? Why? Why? Why??
you are not the only one going through an emotional rollercoaster. today seems so hard for me I keep dreaming of OM. I know men are differnt then women but how do they let go so easy. My OM has OW. I feel horrible today I feel rejected I feel hurt.ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I dream that he was totally ignoring me and I was so angry about this. I woke up in a bad mood . I want to stop thinking and dreaming about him.Its been 4 days w complete no contact I have decided to not even be near where he is even not go to my kids game.
I sound like another crazy women. why can't I let go and yet he did so easy.
Y
I hope you ladies are feeling stronger soon, but please keep posting. Venting it out rather than acting on it is the best way to go!!! Love, Mo.
You know whats weird? More weird thoughts but...I often feel bad throwing out all my feelings/emotions on here. I am one to keep most thoughts in my head. Not very good at expressing myself. That was one of the reasons I stopped going to my T. It started feeling too overwhelming. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed coming here too. Is that strange or what? I feel like I am burdening people w/ my crazy different emotions. One day I am strong then the next day I am a mess. I sometimes feel embarassed by my back and forth emotions.
A bit of a weirdo huh?!!! (lol)
Hope you are doing well. You sound much better on your posts and I think its great that you are focusing on your family. It is crazy how much energy and time is wasted on thinking about these men and A.
I am also trying to stay focused on my family but as you know those thoughts come creeping into our minds and sometimes take over. I do feel sad sometimes when I look at my sweet little boy and think these are the best times w/ him and I let my stupid A and emotions take over my moods. Definitely not fair to him. Then I feel guilty for screwing up and letting this happen. Poor baby, if he only new that his Mommy is a bit of a screw up when it comes to matters of the heart. One thing for certain he is the best thing in my whole life!
Be well.
xo!
The pendulum effect (I love him, no, wait, I hate him, no actually I wish he was dead, but maybe I'll leave my H and marry him, I wonder what he's doing right now?, he had bad breath, I miss the sex, etc.) is soooooooooo normal in this situation. Give yourself a break there, Dipss! No one here is going to think you're a whack-job because you can't make your mind up to end the darned A and keep it ended!
Please do continue sharing with us. I enjoy "talking" with you and I think you have great insights. My final recovery slogan for this post: "you're right where you're supposed to be." Have a great weekend! Love, Mo.
Thanks Mo. I appreciate it. Your insights are wise. Your recovery sayings are simple yet brilliant. Now if I could just follow some of this friggin' advice. Damn it!
I'll get there, I know. Just wish it didnt have to take so long. Wish he didnt have such control over my thoughts. The mind is a dangerous thing.
xo!
ps - you know what is even more whacked, I sometimes question if its cuz' I cant have him that I want him more. Its that whole do I really love him or was it the thrill I loved? Who knows. Enjoy your weekend too.
Anyway, although I didnt love him, I did feel bad for him and I felt guilty for being so rough on the poor thing. Does that give you any kind of indication what a total sap I am???
xo!
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