Disasterous conversation
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Disasterous conversation
| Wed, 03-10-2004 - 5:28pm |
Here I go again. I checked my email looking for a link to a website from him. Not there. I called. Once again wishing I hadn't. I got the website, but we had a conversation that left me feeling empty. He passed a remark about being cold and I snapped back something sarcastic about him being cold blooded. He said, "I know that's what you must think." I told him I really didn't think that and I wasn't intentionally being nasty, just been a rough week. He said he knew it was his fault and that's when I couldn't hold my tongue anymore. I told him I didn't want to hear him tell me that I have to stop the "low self-esteem" crap when I look at what he chose over me. I told him that it wasn't fair for him to tell her things and not let me know what to expect when she goes telling people at work. I told him that I was dealing with a lot and I didn't know what he meant when he said XYZ knows the whole story and blah, blah, blah... What is the whole story? Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back. I'm just dealing with all the "what ifs" and why it was so easy for him to choose her over me. He says it was a difficult decision, but I don't believe him. Some things you just decide before you ever even face them. On one hand a W who is a mean, abusive, ugly in character, self-centered alcoholic mental patient with no future. (I swear, this is no exaggeration) On the other hand there is a woman who has a reputation for optimism and good humor, thoroughly loves her kids (and his) Would make a good partner for the good times and has been a reliable "rock" through the hard times. I don't get it. I feel empty. He says it's not fair to me. He can't give me what he knows I deserve. I really want to move on. I want to be happy. With or without "us" I want him to be happy too. I just feel...empty.
~Blink
~Blink

Blink,
I understand the feelings you're having because I'm dealing with the same crap too.
I was doing so well earlier this week, 2 whole days of NC, and x-MM emailed me yesterday afternoon with "I miss talking to you. this sucks."
so I made the mistake of responding to him. and I told him that I didn't miss all the crap that we've been through recently.
of course, he flew off the handle, not understanding what I meant and gave me one of those "I guess I'll talk to you later" statements.
Ugh.
Whatever.
That's one of the things I will not miss about him. the way he just doesn't understand things. I am so sick of having to "dumb down" things so he can understand what the hell I'm talking about. he's as subtle as a wrecking ball.
so now I feel defeated, because he is in control again. he is in control by not responding to my last note... (in which I explained to him what I meant by "crap")
Now I fully realize that you just can't go back with them, as friends. it's just not possible. what are we going to talk about, the weather? I have no room for small talk in my life, especially from him.
So now, I am feeling angry and empowered. and ready to hop back in the driver's seat. I'm not going to let him control my emotions.