Do any of you have a silver lining beyon
Find a Conversation
Do any of you have a silver lining beyon
| Tue, 01-20-2004 - 11:51am |
d the pain of your affair? I have learned so much over the last year and 1/2 about me and who I am and what I need and want. This situation has led me to lifelong friends who have shared this experience themselves. In some crazy way I, while I still regret having had my affair, I am better for it in some ways. Just wondered if any of you felt the same way.
Karry

Pages
ivlakegal
It was a good "kick start" the way flirting & real dating might have benefited me if I had had the confidence to go there then. Maybe if MM & I could have a flirtation that never went anywhere, the benefits would have outweighed the harm.
Beyond the 1st year (it continued another 2 years), it was really damaging. I finally got into therapy and am learning how to have a REAL relationship. It's like I have to undo all the damage I did to myself & my thinking & attitudes & instincts. Overall, it was damaging but I try not to look back & just accept that it was the path I chose at the time.
1. Don't judge. I think before I was involved in something like this myself, I would've seen it as SUCH a black n' white issue. Such a no-brainer. Don't do it....easy. In a way it should've been a no-brainer but in so many ways it wasn't. Before this I would've looked upon someone like me as a person with no conscious and no values... before it was me that I was judging.
2. I learned to appreciate tranquil and calm periods of my life. Because I lived through the drama and the near mental breakdown. It's kinda like you have to have the bad times to know when things are good. For contrast. It's like I have new perspective.
3. I learned that for as long as I live, I never ever ever want to be in that position again... whether I'm single or married... ever. It will never even be a temptation.
4. I learned to appreciate my best friend even more than I did before. Because she didn't judge me. And she helped me through it.
I'm not saying that I'm glad that it happened, because I'd rather have learned these things through some other life experiences... but I'm just saying SOME good came from it. But the good came with WAY TOO MUCH bad.
NotTooBright
It's Bird, here, popping in to poop on everyone's heads :) ...Ok, that meant nothing and it just sounded funny because I haven't posted here for several days. I have no idea where that came from...
Back to the question at hand...
Am I better and is there a silver lining in all of this. The answer is undeniably YES!!! There is a huge silver lining in this affair and I was just thinking about this last night. I have finally realized that I am suffering from codependency (on top of all my other maladies :( Maybe it was obvious to everyone here - but, I never would have thought about it. I never had alcoholic or substance abuse problems with my parents or myself. But, I just found out the characteristics the other day and went out and bought the book, "Codependent no more". That book explains my bad marriage, my affair and all the other crappy relationships that I've had with men.
If I hadn't been involved in this long term affair, I never would have done the huge amount of soul-searching and healing. I never would have gotten out of my bad marriage. I never would have read about codependency if I wasn't in this much pain. I would have been stuck right where I was five years ago. Because of my growth, I have a new way of looking at my MM. I don't look at him as a problem for me (although, he personally has a *ton* of problems of his own). I am my problem. I don't have a decent relationship with myself. I have run around for as long as I can remember trying to control an uncontrollable situation (first my marriage and then my affair). I want to thank whoever it was that mentioned the group called CoDA (codependents annonymous). I may start going to meetings. I am at least going to check into it.
If I had not learned all of this from my MM and just dropped him - I would have definitely been on the next train headed off the track for a wreck. I think I have finally stopped this crazy cycle. I am healing. I have started to thank him in my heart for the gifts he has given me. Without mistakes, there is no chance for growth. As hard as my lessons have been - my growth has been huge. MM played a part in that growth.
Bird
once I was free, I changed my name -- consider that too -- you sound like a VERY smart lady to me.
the other thing is -- the point you made about finding out how wonderful your friend is -- how she helped you without judging you is a great one. My good friends to a one would not let me off the hook about the affair (kept telling me it was (a) wrong & not worthy of me and (b)I deserved the real thing), but they all stuck by me & loved me & respected me & encouraged me nonetheless. One of them didn't even immediately recall that I was in an affair when I made a reference recently. She said, gosh that seems a lifetime ago! I love my friends too & this made me appreciate them even more.
I am absolutely grateful, odd as it sounds, for lessons learned as a direct result of my own A. It's been almost a year of NC for me and while I still think of him, it's in a more positive way... for example, I'm not angry anymore and no longer do I play the 'blame-game'. I'm really able to own up to my own actions and to get honest about it. When I think of him now, it's in the context of hoping he's doing as well as I am, and that he can take lessons as powerful as I have with him on his journey, wherever that leads... but at the heart of it all, my desire for him is to be okay, to be happy.
I have certainly rediscovered my own joy, and that, dear friend, is my hard-fought silver lining! I may not spring out of bed with a giant grin on my face everyday, but you know what? I'm happy! I'm fulfilled! I'm grateful for SO much, including the end of the A - I can honestly say ending it is the BEST thing that I ever did for myself!
I am also grateful for this board... I learned more than I imagined and certainly made friendships I will cherish forever! BTW anyone heard from Glinda or Beth?? (((hugs))) to all, can't wait to catch up!
Mel, It was good seeing a post from you!! Look how far we have come!! I think we all ROCK!! I haven't heard from Glinda or Beth. I hope they still lurk from time to time!!!
Hugs,
Karry
Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige
Karry, MEL!!! So good to see you, and I'm sure there are other names here I'll recognize as I read on... I'm doing really well. It's been over a year since my A ended, and amazingly, despite STILL seeing the XMM on a fairly regular basis, I am good. I am finally "over" him - I think it really took a full year of slow painful progress and lots of backwards steps, til I could say that. I talk to XMM occassionlly, but really on a superficial level. I don't miss him, I don't want him, and I don't feel great pain every time I see him with his W or flirting with another woman (which he does quite regularly).
My marriage is stronger than it's ever been, in 19 years together. My H never found out about the A, although I am pretty sure he suspected. We are starting counseling soon - not because of the A, but because I do not ever want to let things get so bad again, like they were before and during the A. I'm terrified of slipping into the numbness and neglect that had taken over our relationship, and so I want to continue to improve our communication and deal with some longterm underlying crap that needs to be aired out.
Mostly, there is great relief in knowing that I love my H, that it is him I want to be with and grow old with. Physically, as well, things have never been better. I never thought I would say that - and I know it's hard to think it could ever happen, but it is good now. If you remember my old posts, or look them up, you'll know that I thought the physical aspect of my marriage was dead and I wasn't sure I could live in my marriage knowing that... but it has truly changed and is now the best it's ever been between us.
I do plan to stop in here every once in a while... I don't want to forget the pain I went through, because reclaiming my life and my marriage has been the hardest fought battle of my life. I learned a lot though, and finally realized that it is possible to survive this and come out the other side...
Hugs,
Glinda
I know there was something missing to make me go to another so easily but right now I cannot imagine being really in love with my H again. I am so glad that things have worked out for you and it sounds like you are wiser and happier than before your A.
hugs
Careful
Pages