Do I have to leave?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Do I have to leave?
5
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 3:07pm

I have had a great week. I am applying myself in my job, at home, keeping up the friendship with my H and secretly trying to see if there is any love left within myself for my H. March is coming and that is when he and I agreed to file for a D. I know that he would want to work things out if I chose to stay.
I have been unable to let go of xMM and that is keeping me from moving on.

Alot of you think that my friendship with xMM wife is bad. YOu all must remember that our group of friends consists of 6 couples.......we have always done things together for the past 10 years.......it would be strange for me and probably confirm her suspisions if I stopped talking or agreeing to meet for drinks or lunch.

I have not contacted xMM - but I want to.
I also know that if he wanted to talk to me - really - he would call me.
I dont care that he say's he thinks about it all the time.........he still has not for 3 weeks. But I am worried about him.............his W tells me he goes to bed at 8pm.....can hardly eat and is depressed and gets easily angry.
I hurt his feelings a few weeks ago, really bad.
I am sorry for doing that.

I feel like I dont get alot of support here on this board - and, I have no person here in my city to talk to about what I am going through...except my therapist.......Should I move to NY after I file? And quit posting here and just buck up and do it myself!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 3:29pm

it's >>hard<<, but ending the A is the first step in making an honest choice about what to do with your marriage. so no matter how life-shattering, stay away! only time will help, trust me.

and you're so lucky. if you actually want to work on your marriage, and you know he does too, why don't you do it?

(read my posts from Where's the Passion on this board ... i wish i felt as happy w. my fiance as you do with your husband.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 3:30pm

So sorry you and your husband are filing for D. I give you credit though for making a decision. That is my big problem lately. I am not good at making them. I am having a very hard week this week. I say OM after a month this weekend and needless to say, coming home brings on such a depression for me. It is horrible. Take care of yourself.
I live in NY. What part are you from or are thinking of moving to?

Take care....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 4:15pm

<<<..it would be strange for me and probably confirm her suspisions if I stopped talking or agreeing to meet for drinks or lunch.>>>

This is the dilemma I am having also. I have been having only minimal contact with XMM, only online chat on occasion as not to tip off my H and his W that something is wrong somewhere. My H knew that me and XMM chatted online every night, for the past 4 years. He's noticed me on the computer less and always asks me "talk to anyone tonite?" When I say no for too long, he'll ask "why, something wrong?". What the hell am I supposed to say? I've been making up excuses like "I just want to not spend so much time at the computer anymore" or "no one was online tonite".

I recently considered NC whatsoever because of the way me and XMM keep rehashing old stuff, placing blame, and essentially re-hurting each other time and time again. But HOW am I supposed to go from what my H is used to, to not talking to XMM at all? THAT would raise a red flag that somethings wrong. So I feel very stuck right now.

I can totally relate to the problem of having gotten involved with someone you would end up having to still have in your life once the A ended. What a tangled web you and I weaved, haven't we.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 7:19pm

Anna

I always thought maybe you and hubby still had a spark for each other that was being hidden by XMMs presence, maybe a move to NY to regroup and put yourself back together would not be a bad idea, nothing says it has to be permanent or that hubby could not move as well at some point, if you and hubby do decide to take another shot at it then getting way from that group of friends may be for the best.

As for the board your always welcome here.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-26-2005 - 1:44pm

Hi AK,
I've been following your posts for the past month or so (but never responded to any). Just wanted to chime in on this one.

My exH is one of my closest friends. And a few people very close to me often make comments about how H and I should get back together. We've discussed it too. We've been divorced for 4 years now, and he is seeing someone else (he actually wants to marry this woman); but yet he still confides his personal sentiments with me. I've been dating but have not been in a committed relationship since the marriage and I still go to him when I have exciting news, or even when I have a bad day and want a shoulder to cry on. Just the other nite exH came over to drop off the kids, noticed I was down and when I asked him for a hug he gave me a very warm and sincere one. It's very nice, but I know in my heart that I couldn't be married to exH again. Maybe if he ends up breaking off with his fiancee (because they have certain problems between them) we might, but if we got back together I know what I would be getting into. I'd be settling in so many ways, we have very different values and life goals. And during our marriage I was the one that compromised most of my desires to keep the peace and for the sake of the family. Maybe after all this time apart, exH might give a little more. Since we've been apart he's been a lot more tolerant and flexible, but being together on a day to day basis might be different.

All I can tell you is to think about it, give it time. In my case, a few years before I met MM I knew I wasn't going to stay married to my H forever. I was just waiting till the right time to leave came about. Then after breaking up with MM, and H getting a better job (being able to support himself), and the kids being a little older, I left. In retrospect I could (and probably should) have waited another few years, but that's more so I could be in a better career situation to be on my own. As far as feelings and marital satisfaction, I made a good choice. exH and I have ALWAYS had great communication between us, and I really don't regret marrying him, in a lot of ways he's a wonderful man, but in a way I see my relationship with as more like just a chapter in my life. It was a good exeperience (with joy and heartache), but it's time to move on and grow more. And I don't believe exH is willing (or even able) to grow in the ways I'm seeking to grow. I know he and I have the kids to keep us "together" but I'm pretty sure that even if we didn't have them, we'd probably still be friends. Probably not as close as we are now, but we'd at least call each other on holidays and birthdays.