Do I have to start over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Do I have to start over?
2
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 1:13pm
ARGH.... We mutually broke up about 10 days ago, but try to remain friends. We do talk to each other daily, the first week only once a day, now we are up to 3-4 times. Saturday I saw him at the park (we used to go biking on weekends) and it started out with just a hug than a kiss and after that it kinda got hot and heavy again. He said we need to get a room one more time before he is going to leave overseas for a few month. Well that didn't happened so far and probably will not happened at all. Now the talk on the phone is very similar to when we were still actively involved in the affair. I am not as hurt and in as much pain anymore as I was a few days ago, but I guess the meds are kicking in. Are we back in this A? What is going on? I really want him to start rebuilding the relationship with the W, but it looks like to me now he is not 100% committed. What am I doing here? Help?! I do not want to cause her or him any more pain, but cannot just walk away. I want his friendship, I need his friendship and I want to know how he is doing on a regular basis.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 7:16pm

Kat

This is just may personal opinion but it is based on a fair amont of experience and observation, the friendship idea does not work in most cases, more often then not it leads back into the affair, I don't think you really completly ended it and a trip to a motel room will not help you do that, you may have down graded the affair but I question if you ever really ended it.

He is not going to be able to put the effort into rebuilding his marriage with you in the picture it just does not work that way, it is I believe in both your best interest to end all contact and to start the healing that your both going to have to through if you are to move on with a real full live of your own.

These are just my opinions take them for what ever they are worth to you.

Free

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 7:55pm

Hiya Kat,

Since Free's nice-copping it this time, I'll bad-cop it.

You know how you have friends who will tell you that you look fantastic in everything? And you know how you have some friends who love you enough to tell you that your arse looks humongous in that get-up? I'm the latter kind of friend so brace yourself, Katcat, this will be a bumpy ride...

If it is simply a friendship you share with this MM now, then neither of you will have any difficulty or feel any awkwardness in inviting MM's wife along to your get together's, bike rides, hotel rooms or even including her in all of your conversations. Suddenly it doesn't feel much like just a friendship, does it?

You say it is your wish for MM to begin rebuilding with his wife. How exactly is he supposed to do this if you are enabling and encouraging him to siphon off intimacy from the marriage and give it to you?

<<>>

You are causing all three of you more pain by not walking away. Unless you are somehow deficient in the leg department to the tune of two and all the tyres on your wheelchair are flat, then you CAN just walk away. You have free will, I am presuming you have full working use of your legs, so in fact you do not walk way because you choose not to do so. It's no secret that it's flat-out just plain easier to continue grabbing our warm-fuzzy feel-goods at the expense of others' ignorance. Ignoring the reality of the harm we are causing others is just about the only way most of us can manage to justify being in an affair. Entering an affair is a choice we make (or more accurately a series of choices) just as ending an affair is also an active choice.

<<>>

What you want and need comes at the expense of his marriage, Katcat, something in which you purport to wish him well in rebuilding. When we put others' wants and needs before our own, then it becomes something resembling love rather than a needs-meeting feeding frenzy.

To paraphrase "Words of Hope" by an unknown author:- "To yield to someone's wish to end a relationship is an act of respect. To want the best for someone, even when it means enduring our own loss, is an act of love."

Finally, ask yourself this one vital question:- What is it about this man that helps me to feel good about myself?

Once you can answer that, you have the key (or one of the keys) to that empty place inside you, the void, that needs filling up, the place you believe MM is filling for you. Actually, no one else on the face of the planet can fill this for you, Katcat, this is something only you can fill. Furthermore, placing the responsibility for your happiness on someone elses' shoulders results in inevitable failure and usually enormous resentment by the overladen burden carrier in time.

Welcome aboard and stick around awhile, Katcat. Read through the posts here both current and archived. There is much knowledge, strength & inspiration here if you look for it.

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie