Do I keep the NC???
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| Wed, 12-01-2004 - 5:02pm |
Okay, as you know he broke NC email, then I responded with very short: show me
He called today, just asked that I listen, said I don't need to answer now:
Asked me questions about my kids,if I would consider moving closer to his children (lives one hour away), talked aobut parenting philosophies,expressed fears of step-coupling,said he is reading books on subject of step-coupling, he asked how I saw our future coming together. I said there is no point in discussing this if he is looking to reconcile with W.
He responded with, something like...there is a closeness for the W, but he can't see any glimspe of enough intimacy to sustain a longterm relationship...she is willing to try (although she is cautious)...but he is unsure if he even should attempt it for fear he will hurt her again. He said he needs time to adjust to being a part time dad and further counceling to cope with it.
When I asked if he would attempt reconciling, he said "I think I need to try if only to satisfy my own guilt and have no regrets...as well as allow W and I to come to mutual conclusion that our marriage is dead....if I was a betting man, I would say it is a matter of time before she and I come to that conclusion and it won't take years...she and I both want to get on with our lives...and I don't want to lose you, next to my children, the best thing in my life."
He expressed his love, that he misses me...but did not ask to see me...says he is sorry he is hurting me...he is trying to get through this phase in the best way he can and doesn't want to further damage what we have.
He did ask if he could occaisionally email me with progress of his therapy and good outcomes for "US", he said he would not email me with news of reconciliation attempt and if and when that happened he wouldn't want to hurt me.
AGAIN HE IS ON THE FENCE RIGHT???
NC or let him email me???

Hi Hope -
Tough one.
You know - If xMM called me - I would want run to him if he wanted me to. But then I want more - an unhid, public, loving , normal relationship. I want to know his parents, siblings, have holidays, I want a life with my xMM.
Do you want the A for the next year or so while he figures out what is best for him?
I would have been willing to wait it out and continue the A (I would have been divorced before Him Im sure - and still will be!!!) if xMM did not freak out and have so much guilt and a freaking psycho wife.
(((He said he needs time to adjust to being a part time dad and further counceling to cope with it.)))
Hope: I dont know what state you live in - but in Washington State - if you file for a D, it takes 90 days uncontested........180 days if contested.
If he files for a D, and in the senerio that he has only 3 months left to live with his kids full time - thats 3 months of conseling......6 months if his W wont sign.
Go ahead and email him - but: This is my opinion only.
tell him you do want him if you really do.......but give him a time limit. whatever you feel is the right amount of waiting time is the time you could tell him - 6 months...a year...??? Tell him that you can not wait for him anylonger after that - that you are worth more and will not put your life of hold. Let him know that you love him, but that you have emotions and wants and hurts too.......
It sounds like he is not going to see you until he has figured out his life (BOY DOES THAT SOUND FAMILIAR!)
What was your gut reaction? your first thought? That usually is the right choice.
Love Anna
Only you know what the best answer for you is, but I will tell you this: As big a jerk as xOM is being right now, he was absolutely right when he told me that he could not be in my life and express any feelings for me while I was trying to figure out my marriage. He had to be completely out of the picture (except that we work together, and if you've read my last post, it is turning into a bit of a rancorous relationship). He said that he could not be the reason that I left my husband if he and I were to have any kind of a future. If my marriage ended, it had to be because the marriage failed on its own and not because of any external influence. He was right. I could not see my marriage objectively while I was blinded by feelings for this man.
In your case, this guy sounds like he is trying to keep you warm on the side in case his marriage doesn't work out. Sounds harsh to say, but looking back, it is exactly what I was doing. I felt that my relationship with this man was, as he told you "the most wonderfully intimate relationship I had ever known." I believed he was my one true love. And under different circumstances, perhaps he and I could have been very happy together. But I had not resolved my relationship with my husband, and I was not sure if I would actually go through with it, no matter how many times I assured xOM that I would leave my husband, and that it was just a matter of time before husband realized it, too. Those are the words of a coward. I say that because I was that coward. I was not in place to be with him, as much as I wanted to be, yet I did not want him to go away because I was so in love with him, or so I thought. I hoped that things would fall into place without me having to make any tough decisions. Fortunately, he took a stand, and as miserable as I was in the beginning (it's been about four weeks now) I am just starting to be able to work on my marriage without the pressure of having this relationship on the side. It is not fair to anyone...including YOU.
If he wants to contact you, he can do it when he has made a decision and he is free and clear. Otherwise, he is keeping you dangling when there is no guarantee he will ever be able to fulfill the loving, honest, open relationship you deserve--that all human beings should have. Giving you updates of information that is positive for the both of you is giving you false hope. If he ends his marriage and wants to be with you, then you can communicate honestly, openly, and have a REAL relationship.
Just my 2 cents. Sorry for being preachy. I send you big hugs and wish you the best.
Anna
Thanks for your input...it is a tough one. I don't want to give any sort of ultimatim here, it is his life his choice.
The biggest thing here is he has been out of the house since Oct, and is still out. He is not moving back with her, said he wouldn't unless the reconciliation was for sure and they were def. staying together. They are not actively reconciling now, just talked about it.
Hope
Hope
"""AGAIN HE IS ON THE FENCE RIGHT???""" No not really the fence sounds more like he wants to keep you on the side just in case things don't work out, many cheating hubbys try that one you should cheak out hte B/S board you will see it all the time.
Exit stage left NO CONTACT tell them there divorce papers show up, the reality is if you let him play this game with you in time YOU ARE GOING TO END UP HATEING HIM for all the pain and wasted time, it's better to end things tell you can come together honestly in the open that way you will have a much better chance of makeing a real relationship work.
JMO
Free
So do you think my enforcing NC is best for BOTH of us??
It will be so hard but I think it will push us both off the fence.
Well then - yes I would say NC (%!!#*%$! thats tough to say).
(HEY did you not read that Poem!!)
Hope, when my mind is a bit clear - and I am not angry or totally upset and bawling - I do see things in a different light........in my situation why NC has to be for him (and for me I guess!):
xMM had no other choice but to end our A - His W "figured it out about him and I, but had no real proof" but he felt the ramifications of it and if he wants her to be 1/2 way compliant about getting a D - well, then he has to put all his energy into his life and what their marriage is or will not be.
He jumped off the fence.
And some days I am sitting on that fence looking out across the field trying to see if I can catch a glimse of him................it does me no good.....so I try to stay on my side.....its my head and heart that I left hanging by a string there.
He knows where that fence is, and if he changes things in his life and is free and still has the emotions that he said he had for me - he can go back and jump on the other side of that fence.
Same with your xMM.
I dont want love by defalt........what we both really want is that man we love to love us back - and have it be our own and real.
Hugs!!!!!! ANNA
That old cheesy addage keeps coming to mind 'If you love something set it free...'
Love yourself and set yourself free Hope. Live for you, nurture you and fully experience your life. If he comes back and your love is still there, wonderful...you'll be a better and more whole person for it. If he doesn't come back to you, wonderful...as you will be a better and more whole person for it.
He is keeping you close in the only parameters he is able to by maintaining contact with you. This arena is the most dangerous as your emotions are being held captive. By allowing this to continue, he stunts you. You will be unable to fully experience, enjoy or be totally present for anything in your life while you wait. What if he's not there on the flip side? How much deeper of a hole will you have to crawl out of then? How angry will you be at him then, but more importantly, how angry will you be at you?
My best to you always.
Heather
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Heather,
Your post was very insightful and I agree with all of it. We cannot move forward