I have been following your posts and first of all I would like to say how much you have help the gals here and myself despite the pain that you are going through.
I hope that got your attention. I keep responding because I have not given up on you. I think the fact that you come here and post is a good thing. I do not know whether you need a new T or not. I DO know that you are so hell bent on having some form of contact with this man. You are so wanting to get it out of you. You desperately want him to know things. U want to have the final word. Its driving you banana's. How much of your session did you talk about only him? I swear you need like shock therapy or something. Did way ever think that anything you say will ever really phase him? Do you really think he is going to listen to you, he does not even respect you Alice...And he does not because you refuse to respect yourself.
Alice, you are right. Your T doesn't "Get it." In order for you to "Get it," and I think you are on your way, you absorb everything us enders are telling you. Use your T to get to the root of your insecurities and obsession issues, but for ending an A? Nope. She is clueless.
I'm not a psychologist, but I play one on EAS :) I'm wondering if some of your anger is misplaced. You've experienced great loss in your life (and I'm not talking about XAP). I had a very hard time right after my dad died 10 years ago. I was soooo angry at him for "leaving" me. I've written many letters to him telling him just that. Maybe you can talk with your therapist about the possibility that XAP is just a "tangible" outlet for your anger.
I'm so proud of you again for coming here and posting - reading responses and processing everything. Keep it up!
What you just posted now is so true, he isn't worth your preciouse time and energy and by saying that when you can write him without expecting anything is the day you won't care is something for you to look back on. Once you reach that point you really won't give a rats behind! Before I started posting I wanted xap to hear me, to understand he was wrong in his opioion of me. It was a huge painful experience, he had many hurtful things to say. I stopped contact, I had enough of hurting myself and I knew my issues were bigger than my time with him. It's a struggle each day but a struggle I will take to get better at my life. It does get a little easier once your focus isn't soley on one person, you will get there. Just keep working at it with all of us right there with you working for the same thing:)
".my ever-present worry that ole XAP thinks I am a psycho crazy woman, and how much that bums me out.that he thinks I am sitting over here in my house miserable, pining for him, and the prisoner of an abusive man. That I wish he did not think that."
THEN YOU HAVE TO STOP THINKING THE THOUGHTS THAT ARE MAKING YOU FEEL THIS WAY!!! Aside from the crazy woman part, you ARE sitting around pining for him, and are choosing to be imprisoned by an abusive man (your xAP) according to you! So, what's the deal ALICE? My therapist said the same thing to me, and even suggested I tell his wife because of the fact we were not practicing safer sex. Anyway, instead of hearing this as a green light on continuing in the affair, breaking NC and confronting wife, I used it as an opportunity to educate my therapist on the dynamics of the affair, on the reasons for NC (to withdraw from an addictions) and the principles of self-reflection, internal validation and re-establishing healthy boundaries. We talked about my need for her to understand that engaging with him further would send me back into spinning about when he would contact me next, what would he say? would he TRULY GET IT?!?! Contacting him to share all my anger, hurt and frustration would not accomplish anything. And you know what?! She heard me and as an addiction specialist could totally appreciate how my affair had been like an addiction. She went away and did some research and came back better prepared to support my present need for NC while getting to the issues of "unworthiness" that got & kept me in the affair. Alice, I know you want to be done, you keep saying it over and over and that's a good thing, and yet you are still intent on making contact with him.
Coming here is a great thing, but you have to start building your own internal resources for those moments when we aren't instantly available to ground you.
Please share with us some steps that you can do if/when you are tempted to self-harm through breaking NC and you can't access EAS.
I hope that you can hear what's being said - with an open spirit.
I speak from experience WITH ME and the xap.
I used to be LOST in the STRUGGLE that you appear to be going through. I REALLY WAS THERE. And it was AWFUL. AWFUL. I was in pain - and all the help and tough love that my support system gave me - went in one ear and out the other because NONE of it could sit with me because my FOCUS was SO OFF.
Last night, I reflected on what WASNT WORKING when I was trying to get over it before to WHAT IS WORKING SOOO WELL FOR ME NOW...I wondered WHY I DIDNT TRY IT THOSE MANY TIMES BEFORE?!?!?
I think (and this is speaking for myself, in MY experience)
Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
Pages
My thoughts????
I think you are looking for any way to engage xAP with your rage.
You think you need to get your message out to him. That somehow that is going to make you feel better.
Actually it won't. It will only leave more questions. Which if followed out, would put you back into contact with him for a while.
Listen to all the wise people here. They say NC works. It does. I learned it a week ago. Contact of any kind only brings you backwards.
Let it Die! Walk away! Don't look back.
You don't need the last word. It doesn't help.
RBM--8 days
We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.
Hi Alice,
I have been following your posts and first of all I would like to say how much you have help the gals here and myself despite the pain that you are going through.
ALICE!! ALICE ALICE! ALICE!!
I hope that got your attention. I keep responding because I have not given up on you. I think the fact that you come here and post is a good thing. I do not know whether you need a new T or not. I DO know that you are so hell bent on having some form of contact with this man. You are so wanting to get it out of you. You desperately want him to know things. U want to have the final word. Its driving you banana's. How much of your session did you talk about only him? I swear you need like shock therapy or something. Did way ever think that anything you say will ever really phase him? Do you really think he is going to listen to you, he does not even respect you Alice...And he does not because you refuse to respect yourself.
LEAVE IT ALONE! It will accomplish nothing.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
JMHO,
Alice -
I'm not a psychologist, but I play one on EAS :) I'm wondering if some of your anger is misplaced. You've experienced great loss in your life (and I'm not talking about XAP). I had a very hard time right after my dad died 10 years ago. I was soooo angry at him for "leaving" me. I've written many letters to him telling him just that. Maybe you can talk with your therapist about the possibility that XAP is just a "tangible" outlet for your anger.
I'm so proud of you again for coming here and posting - reading responses and processing everything. Keep it up!
Bodhi
What you just posted now is so true, he isn't worth your preciouse time and energy and by saying that when you can write him without expecting anything is the day you won't care is something for you to look back on. Once you reach that point you really won't give a rats behind! Before I started posting I wanted xap to hear me, to understand he was wrong in his opioion of me. It was a huge painful experience, he had many hurtful things to say. I stopped contact, I had enough of hurting myself and I knew my issues were bigger than my time with him. It's a struggle each day but a struggle I will take to get better at my life. It does get a little easier once your focus isn't soley on one person, you will get there. Just keep working at it with all of us right there with you working for the same thing:)
THEN YOU HAVE TO STOP THINKING THE THOUGHTS THAT ARE MAKING YOU FEEL THIS WAY!!! Aside from the crazy woman part, you ARE sitting around pining for him, and are choosing to be imprisoned by an abusive man (your xAP) according to you! So, what's the deal ALICE? My therapist said the same thing to me, and even suggested I tell his wife because of the fact we were not practicing safer sex. Anyway, instead of hearing this as a green light on continuing in the affair, breaking NC and confronting wife, I used it as an opportunity to educate my therapist on the dynamics of the affair, on the reasons for NC (to withdraw from an addictions) and the principles of self-reflection, internal validation and re-establishing healthy boundaries. We talked about my need for her to understand that engaging with him further would send me back into spinning about when he would contact me next, what would he say? would he TRULY GET IT?!?! Contacting him to share all my anger, hurt and frustration would not accomplish anything. And you know what?! She heard me and as an addiction specialist could totally appreciate how my affair had been like an addiction. She went away and did some research and came back better prepared to support my present need for NC while getting to the issues of "unworthiness" that got & kept me in the affair. Alice, I know you want to be done, you keep saying it over and over and that's a good thing, and yet you are still intent on making contact with him.
Coming here is a great thing, but you have to start building your own internal resources for those moments when we aren't instantly available to ground you.
Please share with us some steps that you can do if/when you are tempted to self-harm through breaking NC and you can't access EAS.
TU.
Dear Alice,
The responses you're getting are SPOT ON!
I hope that you can hear what's being said - with an open spirit.
I speak from experience WITH ME and the xap.
I used to be LOST in the STRUGGLE that you appear to be going through. I REALLY WAS THERE. And it was AWFUL. AWFUL. I was in pain - and all the help and tough love that my support system gave me - went in one ear and out the other because NONE of it could sit with me because my FOCUS was SO OFF.
Last night, I reflected on what WASNT WORKING when I was trying to get over it before to WHAT IS WORKING SOOO WELL FOR ME NOW...I wondered WHY I DIDNT TRY IT THOSE MANY TIMES BEFORE?!?!?
I think (and this is speaking for myself, in MY experience)
Pages