Do I need to run as far away as I can?
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Do I need to run as far away as I can?
| Thu, 11-04-2004 - 9:44pm |
I need some advice. I have been in an affair with a MM for 3 yrs. I love him and there is no doubt that he loved me. 2 weeks ago today we split up and then had a WW3 war. Everything you can imagine. He said things to me, I said things to him. He told my ex-husband, I told his wife, he called my job trying (but failed) to cause me trouble, I retaliated with the major bomb and reported his best friend to the cops and got him arrested. He didn't know the guy had a warrent out for his arrest. It cost my MM $3700 to get him out. My heart over took my mind last night, I called him after thinking about all the bad things that had been said and I said "I didn't know that you felt that way about me". I then hungup without giving him time to respond. This morning he called, first time in 2 weeks. He ask what I meant by what I said last night. We started talking and he started confessing, I started crying when he told me these last 2 weeks had been hell and the roughest thing he has ever been through and he loves me and being apart was killing him. We met and spent the day together with a lot of tears. I still told him it was over, I couldn't be last in his life anymore. He told me it was over between them since she knew about us. He said he had to get a few things taken care of.I ask him if she meant so much to him why he called me today I was out of the picture. He told me no I wasn't I never would be I had his heart just like he had mine. I ask if he loved her he said he can't lie he loves her because she is the mother of his (adult) children but that he don't love her like he does me. I still can't go there again. What do you think? Should I give him the benefit of the doubt, or run away. I had promised myself I wasn't going to answer if he called but I did even though he blocked the caller ID I knew it was him. I love him so much that all I do is cry. What do I tell him or do I just not say a word and disappear.

Tell him not to call you until he can put a divorce decree in your hands signed by him his wife and the judge, until he does it is all B/S as far as you know, more crap to keep his grip on you.
NO PAPER NO RELATIONSHIP.
FREE
Well, a few questions cross my mind.
Bearing in mind that we can't actually control anyone except ourselves and our own actions, what is it you want to do about all this, jrspeach?
In your mind what is the best possible outcome?
What has to happen in order for the best possible outcome to come about? And how exactly is any of that being dealt with and by whom?
If your best possible outcome isn't actually achievable, is what you have right *now* acceptable for you in the short-term, say, 1-5yrs? How about in the long-term, say 5-10yrs?
If what you have right *now* is not acceptable to you, then why not?
Once again, what is it you actually want to do about all this?
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
I know how you feel.
Great response!! Thank you for your clear-headed responses to people on this board. You may be perceived as harsh at times by some, and some may not agree with everything you say, but your insights are important, because in my opinion, you really have a knack for cutting to the core of people's issues.
I'm curious about something though...you are post-affair and it seems like you and your H are doing very well. It seems like you have reached the point where you are completely at peace with your situation. So what is it that makes you keep coming back here to post on this board? Is it because your desire to help others, or does posting here still help you with your recovery? Or something else?
Thanks again :-)
Meg
<<< It seems like you have reached the point where you are completely at peace with your situation.>>>
I'd say I've reached a point of some basic self-knowledge and more importantly some real self-awareness, all with the help of some pretty great individual counselling. Peace is something I'm striving for and while I don't think it's a permanent state, even the striving is bringing a great deal of peace.
<<>>
Short answer? Both.
Long answer:- I'm a mere 6mos out of my affair and my own choices, decsions & actions very nearly destroyed me. In many respects, I *DID* destroy the old Posie, someone I only half-jokingly refer to as FrankenPosie on another board. While I've done much of the groundwork for my own recovery in IC, I'm still verrrry much a work in progress. Surprisingly to some perhaps & not at all surprising to others, I consider myself still very much a newbie.
Posting here and on other boards is something I do for a number of reasons, Meg. In part it's because I have a genuine wish to repay all the ladies & gents on a board which no longer exists for having the courage & belief in me (when I had none) to keep knocking sense into me whether or not I actually wanted to hear/read it.
Also, it's a bit like what I perceive an AA meeting would be like - The longer term dry members are able to maintain their sobriety fairly easily these days but it doesn't hurt to be reminded *why* you needed to get dry when you see the newer members struggling with their demons.
DH & I both lurk on each others' boards and we have some great discussions off the back of some of the posts/threads. It occupies far less of our conversations these days, but something relevant almost always crops up at least once a week where we'll email each other with a post or thread to discuss later. These discussions are relaxed and we both actually gain a great deal from them.
<<>>
Much else, but primarily a deep bond of empathy with those struggling to truly end their affairs. I know exactly how hard it is to end an affair. I'm not exaggerating when I say I very nearly allowed it to kill me. I chose life, my own.
Those who are staggering forward against the pull backwards towards their affairs, those who manage to resist that one phone call/text/email/IM, etc., those who are faced every day with their xAP's and *still* manage to stagger forwards have my utmost respect. People's inner strength and ability to just plain keep fighting never fails to amaze and astonish me. There is much inspiration here, Meg.
I had no idea that the strength I picked up on the road I struggled along would remain with me, but it does. When I blindly set off, I truly had no idea where my path would lead me, but it's brought acceptance & peace along with it. I had no idea I would learn how to love & be loved and to genuinely appreciate the love that I do have, but I have & I do.
Maybe I'm just holding up a sign that says "Peace 2 miles --->" But that's why I post here, Meg.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
I am not familiar with your story , but for what I have seen in most of your postings you are an incredible person, and I admire you and your honesty regardless whether it be harsh or not. Keep up your strengths, I hope they rubb off on me too.
Take Care.....
Ladybug
Meg
Glad you're here in a sorry-you-needed-to-find-us kinda way.
Many thanks for the kind words. Any strength you see in me is yours for the taking. It's only simply self-knowledge and the beginnings of a real self-awareness. It's discovering that my self-worth isn't dependent upon whether someone loves me or proves that love by leaving his partner. It's a matter of being given the tools in individual counselling in order to begin filling that void in ourselves that only we can fill for ourselves.
It's not easily won and there's no quick-fix or just-add-water method of achieving it, but then if it were all that easy, would it really be all that worth having? ;)
Good luck on your own journey, Bug, there are some good hearts & souls here who are on the very same path. If you'll let them, they'll pick you up when you stumble, dust you off, and point you in the right direction again, and you'll always manage to find strength enough to do the same for them.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Thanks Posie, I know there are a lot of good people here and thats why I keep turning to this board, I thank god everyday that I have you guys to turn to and understand what I am feeling. I am here for you as well.
Take Care
Ladybug