Do I tell H if someone else knows?? Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Do I tell H if someone else knows?? Help
33
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 9:14pm
I agree with others who have said that not telling H about the past A is best. However, as I have mentioned to others on this board, we were caught by OM's daughter. She desperately wants to keep her family together, so she will probably not tell her mom or anyone else. But I have this urge to tell my H about what happened, since if this ever comes out I will have a much better chance of saving my marriage if I tell him before he finds out from someone else. Since all of us know each other and our kids know each other, this has the potential be a total mess (not that it isn't already).

When this happened I told OM to take his daughter to a counselor, which I am fairly certain he has. I want NC with him but then I also want to ask him how his daughter is doing -- I really want to get a feel for how strongly she is committed to keeping this secret (when she caught us I made a promise to her to break off all contact with her father). Because if there is some doubt that she will be able to keep the secret, I may need to tell my H (which will mean OM's wife will eventually hear too). If the daughter is totally committed to keeping this to herself, I will not tell my H, and I will work hard on NC with OM and also work hard on my relationship with H, since he is kind, smart, funny and quite handsome. Boy did I screw up...

So what do I do????

(and don't get me wrong -- OM's daughter is the most important part of this whole mess -- it makes me want to puke to think she could be really messed up over this whole thing)

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Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 9:36pm
Hiya Need2,

Firstly, I was that daughter at one time - At the ripe old age of 11yrs I walked in on my father and one of his many OW over the years. It left a lasting impression and destroyed any image I might have had that my father cared anything for me or my mother or anyone but himself if the truth be known. Being asked to keep promises about not telling taught me much about the value of honesty, too.

Secondly, if you cannot face telling DH on your own, book a MC appointment and tell him there on neutral ground in the presence of someone qualified to mediate and assist with the immediate fall out from dropping such a bombshell.

Finally, I am begging you here, on behalf of the 11yr old I once was, do not leave this burden on a wholly innocent child's shoulders simply so you can save your own arse. You as an adult are equipped to deal with this kind of responsibility whereas she is not.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 10:16pm
Yes. you should tell your DH very quickly. Do not ambush him by telling him in front of another person. He would be humiliated. The OM needs to tell his wife and take the pressure off of his DD. If the OM doesn't tell the BW then you or your DH must. The situation is beyond what is good for you and your OM. The child is of the paramount importance. She will need IC and all of the adults involved better get some IC and MC also. What a terrible situation. I hope you can mitigate the damage to the daughter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 10:22pm
need2setl

The last poster spoke of the needs of the child so I will leave that alone.

From what I have gathered from B/S it is easier for them to learn of the affair from a contrite spouse rather then through a third party, so if there is a real possibility he is going to here about it it is better that it comes from you.

If you tell him have a plan prepared on how your going to move things forward from there, having a MC ready is a great idea.

If you feel you have time start addressing the things in the marriage and in yourself that allowed this to happen, you will be stronger and the marriage will be on a firmer foundation and it is going to need it.

Good luck what ever you do.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 10:24pm
Yes, you need to each tell your spouses. The burden needs to be removed from this innocent child. It isn't fair to her to have to keep this secret nor should she be expected to. As difficult as it will be I would do it ASAP.

I didn't see any of your other posts related to the DD knowing. How old is she and what did she see, if you don't mind me asking?

Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 11:24pm
She walked in when we were about half dressed. She was told by her father that this was the only time. Daughter told her father that she felt this immediate need to leave school and get home. So in this situation she feels like her father's savior and she wants to help him heal. She is a very mature girl -- very smart and sensitive. She wants more than anything to keep this from her mother. All she wants of me (from what I last heard) is to get me to a counseling session (she wanted me to come along to the first one but fortunately OM said "not this time") and scream at me.

She wants to keep her family together -- she knows that her father has been screwing up with so many things -- bad party behavior, failing business -- and she knows the her mother will ask him to leave permanently if this comes out.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 11:46pm
This is an incredibly raw topic for me and it's brought back a great many hugely painful memories. I, too, was a mature child, I had little choice in the matter since my father was busy acting childishly. It has had a huge impact on my life.

I think all four adults (that's you & your husband along with MM & his wife) need to get together and discuss the entire matter *away* from the children in order that the poor child's mother at least has a say in deciding what is the best course of action to take on behalf of her child.

I simcerely hope you'll find the strength to do the right thing since the real damage here isn't to you or MM, it's to a child. Please do not allow a child to take the full force of the consequences for her father's actions and for yours.

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 12:23am
Yikes!!!

Thanks for sharing this. I can't even imagine if any of my children had walked in on XMM and I. He doesn't have any children and his W travels a lot by herself, so most of our time together was spent at his house. We only spent time at my house twice throughout our very short A. The first time we were here my H called from work, just to say hi. My children were all out of town with various friends for 4th of July weekend. It was really odd that my H called that day because he never calls me from work. The second time was the very last time we had any physical contact before I ended it. We were very far removed from where my children were and they were all asleep. We had a small get together with some other neighbors, my H was at work and XMM only stayed a few minutes. We just weren't willing to risk anyone seeing us. This part in hindsight is a bit ironic, as he walked out my front door that day he kissed me goodbye, he had never done that before. That was the last kiss between us because I ended it a few days later. It truly was a goodbye kiss. That was a year ago this week.


Edited 9/19/2004 12:30 am ET ET by alifechoice

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 9:35am
I'd better talk to OMM before I make the decision to tell my H. If the spouses are told there will without a doubt be two divorces. There is absolutely no question about that, especially in his situation. Two kids for each of us, from 9 to 16 (the child who is involved is 14). I am not sure that OMM or the daughter will EVER agree to tell OMM's W/her mom. But I will contact him tomorrow and have the discussion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 10:08am

I've read the posts here and agree with everyone's response.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 10:43am
Posie--

Just out of curiosity:

* Did you father ask you to keep the secret or did you insist upon that on your own?

* Did your father tell your mother? Did they stay together?

* Did he clean up his act after you discovered him and the OW?

I can't tell the OMM's W on my own -- that needs to come from him -- however I am certain that he will never do that. And I know I need to maintain the NC. So not sure how to proceed...

What I can do is tell my H, but then that will result in OMM's wife hearing about it (small town, and my H will probably want to confront OMM).

Such a mess...

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