Do I tell H if someone else knows?? Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Do I tell H if someone else knows?? Help
33
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 9:14pm
I agree with others who have said that not telling H about the past A is best. However, as I have mentioned to others on this board, we were caught by OM's daughter. She desperately wants to keep her family together, so she will probably not tell her mom or anyone else. But I have this urge to tell my H about what happened, since if this ever comes out I will have a much better chance of saving my marriage if I tell him before he finds out from someone else. Since all of us know each other and our kids know each other, this has the potential be a total mess (not that it isn't already).

When this happened I told OM to take his daughter to a counselor, which I am fairly certain he has. I want NC with him but then I also want to ask him how his daughter is doing -- I really want to get a feel for how strongly she is committed to keeping this secret (when she caught us I made a promise to her to break off all contact with her father). Because if there is some doubt that she will be able to keep the secret, I may need to tell my H (which will mean OM's wife will eventually hear too). If the daughter is totally committed to keeping this to herself, I will not tell my H, and I will work hard on NC with OM and also work hard on my relationship with H, since he is kind, smart, funny and quite handsome. Boy did I screw up...

So what do I do????

(and don't get me wrong -- OM's daughter is the most important part of this whole mess -- it makes me want to puke to think she could be really messed up over this whole thing)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 10:52am
One more thing to everyone reading this ....

Even if I can't perfectly remedy this situation...meaning I can't get the OMM to tell his wife, which will unburden his daughter, everyone needs to take a lesson from this. Think of the worst thing that could happen if you stay in the A or go back to it. Just imagine whatever that worst thing could be. Then decide if it's worth it for that to happen. It won't be. Whatever the outcome is in this situation, the three of us will have to live with this forever. As a mother of two children, one a daughter, it makes me physically ill to think that this girl is going through this. It's a terrible situaiton no matter what happens in the end.

And whatever happens, I will seek counseling to find out what the void is in my life that caused me to be so weak to keep breaking up with this guy and then taking him back. How stupid I have been.

So get out and stay out of your A. It just isn't worth the potential consequences.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 11:38am

I don't understand how you can NOT tell.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 11:56am

Need, life deals us some doozies and tough wake up calls indeed.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 12:45pm
Before I go on, I want to thank everyone who participates in this board. Until I stumbled on to this, I was feeling pretty crappy about everything. I knew I wanted to maintain NC, but as we all know, that's difficult after an A! But after reading your comments, and had you all (very kindly but with conviction:-) put me in my place, I feel much stronger. Even if I can't get OMM to do anything about this with his W, I can deal with my own world and use your support to help myself heal.

I certainly do NOT want to continue the A. I have ended things with OMM several times over the last two years, for the right reasons, then have taken him back for selfish, weak and wrong reasons. Now when I think about him, all I can think about is how our selfish choices have affected his sweet innocent daughter. It makes me sick, and I really don't care to ever lay eyes on him again. I am so angry with myself for not sticking to my guns during the last break-up. If I had, his daughter would still be OK.

I know this guy pretty well (unfortunately) and I will be very surprised if he says he will tell his W. In fact he will be shocked when I bring it up. Even though I am committed to NC, I will contact him tomorrow or the next day and at least have the discussion. And then it will be NC again.

When this dreadful incident happened and the three of us were discussing things in their kitchen, I made a promise to the daughter that I wouldn't have contact with her father ever again. So I have not only promised myself NC, but I have also promised her, and that's the least I can do for her. Hopefully I can do more.

I will keep you all posted about what happens this week. Thanks again with all my heart!!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 1:28pm
Hiya Need2,

I'll answer your questions, but I am going to preface this with the fact that this is what happened in MY situation and will have absolutely no bearing whatsoever on what happens in yours.

* Did you father ask you to keep the secret or did you insist upon that on your own?*

It was my initial instinct to disbelieve my own eyes - I wanted to deny it because then I wouldn't have to deal with it. Feeling protective of my mother kicked in very shortly thereafter. Self-preservation and maintaining the status quo (be this good, bad or purple) of my family soon followed. It was at this point that my father suggested that sometimes it was better to keep truths to ourselves in order to spare others some pain and that telling would only result in splitting up my home. I was 11yrs old.

Regardless of age, what is more terrifying for any child than the possibility of your family disintegrating? I can tell you that the answer to that is actually being the *cause* of possibly splitting up your family. To my child's mind, telling would result in my family life being forever altered so sure I insisted upon it myself. Since this suited my father right down to the ground and also coincided with my father's wishes to keep it a secret, he wasn't about to go teaching me any important life lessons about honesty, responsibility, or accountability for one's actions since it was detrimental to him personally.



* Did your father tell your mother? Did they stay together?*

My father remained adamant about simply letting things "blow over," so, no, my father didn't confess to my mother. I got stuck with keeping that secret since not keeping it would have destroyed my family. Yes, my parents stayed together until I graduated from high school even though she discovered several other OW over the years.

* Did he clean up his act after you discovered him and the OW? *

Nope. He had no reason to consider cleaning up his act. Why should he? He had the perfect accomplice with extreme motivation to keep his secrets for him and it enabled him to continue enjoying himself at others' expense. My father continued seeing OW, he was simply a bit more careful and didn't bring them into his own home. I was aware when my father was seeing an OW since I was more often than not his alibi (just taking Posie to the skating rink or mall was a favourite).

___

Whatever method you choose to employ, the sooner this child has the burden of this secret taken from her, the better.

This is no longer about you, your H, the OMM or his W. It isn't about the EMA. It really doesn't matter if the entire nation gets to know about it. It's about mitigating the damage already done to a innocent child.

I had counselling, Need2, but I also saw that in real life adults didn't step up to the plate no matter how much they stress the importance of doing so. Kids see right through the "do as I say not as I do" cackapookie.

All the counselling in the world is worthless if she doesn't see with her own two eyes that adults step up to the plate.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 1:48pm
You seem to be going into a CYA mode and forgetting about the psychological impact to the daughter of your OM. The mother of this chdild needs to know about this event so that she can comfort and help the daughter. The long term impact could be a desaster for the child. If your OM is so unconcerned with the well being of his daughter, he is a sorry SOB. Do not give him a choice. Tell him either he tells or you will. His actions indicate to me that he deserves no consideration at all and his familly deserves better than him.

Additionally, you will never know when the daughter will breakdown and tell. The secret will hang over your head forever.

I silncerelly hope you make the right and honorable decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 2:41pm

Need 2, I forgot to add something to my post.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 2:54pm
Love -- thanks -- printing these is a great idea.

That day, we talked about this not being her fault, but her mind is probably a haze about what was said--she was probably so freaked out that the details of our conversation are all mixed up. I am certain that he will be reinforcing that message to her. He might be a crappy husband and a scoundrel in many ways (as am I -- don't think that I am trying to avoid blame), but I know that he loves his daughters beyond measure and will set everything else aside to support her. If I get the chance to talk with her I will also reinforce that message.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 12:42am

One of the saddest times of my 17 years of affairs was the afternoon my high school aged son came by my office just to

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 9:43am

"Ending the affair is the right thing to do. Period.


It is that plain. Affairs are destructive and have insidious ripple effects on all of our other relationships. Our loved ones do not deserve to be hurt by illicit momentary escapes from the choices we made to numb ourselves........"


- You are so right.

Love