Do I tell H if someone else knows?? Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Do I tell H if someone else knows?? Help
33
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 9:14pm
I agree with others who have said that not telling H about the past A is best. However, as I have mentioned to others on this board, we were caught by OM's daughter. She desperately wants to keep her family together, so she will probably not tell her mom or anyone else. But I have this urge to tell my H about what happened, since if this ever comes out I will have a much better chance of saving my marriage if I tell him before he finds out from someone else. Since all of us know each other and our kids know each other, this has the potential be a total mess (not that it isn't already).

When this happened I told OM to take his daughter to a counselor, which I am fairly certain he has. I want NC with him but then I also want to ask him how his daughter is doing -- I really want to get a feel for how strongly she is committed to keeping this secret (when she caught us I made a promise to her to break off all contact with her father). Because if there is some doubt that she will be able to keep the secret, I may need to tell my H (which will mean OM's wife will eventually hear too). If the daughter is totally committed to keeping this to herself, I will not tell my H, and I will work hard on NC with OM and also work hard on my relationship with H, since he is kind, smart, funny and quite handsome. Boy did I screw up...

So what do I do????

(and don't get me wrong -- OM's daughter is the most important part of this whole mess -- it makes me want to puke to think she could be really messed up over this whole thing)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 7:30pm
I almost didn't come back to this thread to tell you all what happened last week, but I didn't want to disrespect you and the help you gave me--I listened to every bit of your advice and talked to XOM, and even though the outcome isn't what you all hoped for, I wanted to tell you "the rest of the story."

I had myself convinced to tell my H about the A, so I called XOM and told him I was preparing a plan to tell H. He told me that that was a "really bad idea" -- here are the main points of our conversation:

1. XOM and his daughter went to counseling and now have set up a weekly counseling schedule.

2. Daughter does not under any circumstances want to talk to her mother about this and does not want XOM taking to her either. She wants her father to work on himself and on his marriage

3. XOM told he if I really wanted to screw her up, I would tell my husband (as you may recall, if my H knows, his W will find out -- small town and all that).

4. XOM and his daughter are spending a ton of time together and he is working on taking better care of himself at her request.

5. XOM is committed to building a loving relationship with W and will continue counseling to make sure he does.

6. XOM told me that we can't talk any more because he has pledged to his daughter that he will be honest with her no matter what -- he said he would need to tell her that I called that day. I told him that I didn't want to see him, or to talk to him at any time in the future. i have not spoken to him since (one week, but it's a start)

All of you are probably thinking "Yeah Sure" and that he will eventually slip into his old ways. I also attended counseling last week and have learned a few things about myself. If XOM slips into his old ways, it will not be with me. Yes, I will have to live each day knowing that the truth could slip out at any time, but for now I need to let XOM try to work through this with his daughter.

I realize that this will never really be the complete "rest of the story" but I am working on myself and that's all I can do for now.

Thanks for your help. You all got me through a tough weekend.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 7:44pm
Hiya Need2,

Even if you'd never been kind enough to let us know, it's pretty much exactly what I expected, to be honest.

The solution you've laid out and the reasoning behind it is one of pure CYA. It teaches exMM's daughter nothing of responsibility or accountability for one's actions.

I guess at the very least you are safe until exMM's daughter decides it's time someone paid and don't think for a moment it will be the child's father picking up the tab either.

I'm glad you've sought out some counselling, it will help. You know where we are if you need us.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 6:58am
!!!
Love
Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 11:31am
Posie, I think you pretty much covered it. The secret and it's aftermath will hang over her head forever. When this young girl has relationship problems later in life I am sure there will be regret, but it will be too late.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 11:45am
Hiya Jackson,

Much what I expected. Not at all unexpected.

The overall message to the child appears to be: If I can sneak around & get the goods on someone then I can use that information to blackmail the participants into doing whatever I want them to do and that is what being an adult is all about.

Secrets, lies, deception & manipulation = the life lesson recipe for disaster.

Tragic. It just plain tears me up really to see my own life being replayed. My only hope is this young girl will cope with better than I myself have managed to do.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 2:07pm
>(and don't get me wrong -- OM's daughter is the most important part of this whole mess -- it makes me want to puke to think she could be really messed up over this whole thing)<

If the daughter is really the most important part of this whole mess, then you must tell your husband, and OM must tell his wife. Otherwise you are requiring a child to keep something a secret that she has no business keeping. Do you understand what that can do to a child??? Second, if you have any hope of saving your marriage, tell your husband. You can't build a life with someone based on lies.

ataraxis

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 2:14pm
What about the girls relationship with her mother? If all this comes out, and the mother discovers that the daughter had known, isnt that a whole new kettle of fish?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 2:27pm
I don't think so. Any mother worth her salt wouldn't blame the child. I know I certainly wouldn't!

I just read through the entire thread, and have to say that I am literally sick to my stomach that this girl is going to go through life keeping this kind of secret. Anything to CYA these days. :(((((

ataraxis

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 5:26pm
You know, I had hoped this was a support board, not a discussion board where everyone kicks you when you are down. I agree with your opinions on what should ideally happen, but in this case a counselor is working through these issues with XOM and the daughter and I can't step into their situation, at least right now. After talking with the dad and the daughter, the counselor apparently feels there is potential damage to the daughter if the secret comes out -- she does not want to play a role in her parents demise (even though she should be absolved of any role--this is not her fault) and wants to support her dad in building a more healthy life. No a great situation and not what i would choose, but I am disappointed that it seems that people think they know better about what's appropriate for this girl in this situation than a trained counselor.

I am having a pretty tough time with this from every aspect (no contact will hold strong but it's still has only been a week) and you all are making it harder not easier.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 6:09pm
Just make sure this counselor is real and not a cover story to cover his ass.