Do I tell H if someone else knows?? Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Do I tell H if someone else knows?? Help
33
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 9:14pm
I agree with others who have said that not telling H about the past A is best. However, as I have mentioned to others on this board, we were caught by OM's daughter. She desperately wants to keep her family together, so she will probably not tell her mom or anyone else. But I have this urge to tell my H about what happened, since if this ever comes out I will have a much better chance of saving my marriage if I tell him before he finds out from someone else. Since all of us know each other and our kids know each other, this has the potential be a total mess (not that it isn't already).

When this happened I told OM to take his daughter to a counselor, which I am fairly certain he has. I want NC with him but then I also want to ask him how his daughter is doing -- I really want to get a feel for how strongly she is committed to keeping this secret (when she caught us I made a promise to her to break off all contact with her father). Because if there is some doubt that she will be able to keep the secret, I may need to tell my H (which will mean OM's wife will eventually hear too). If the daughter is totally committed to keeping this to herself, I will not tell my H, and I will work hard on NC with OM and also work hard on my relationship with H, since he is kind, smart, funny and quite handsome. Boy did I screw up...

So what do I do????

(and don't get me wrong -- OM's daughter is the most important part of this whole mess -- it makes me want to puke to think she could be really messed up over this whole thing)

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Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 6:39pm
Hiya Need2,

Yes it *is* a support board, specifically for Ending an Affair. I won't apologise for not congratulating you on your decision to keep your mouth shut about this, Need2. We differ dramatically in what we perceive to be the best course of action in the circumstances you've described. That said, you did ask for opinions and/or advice. So long as we differ in a respectful fashion, I believe that is our right and completely within the iVillage TOS.

I've done what I could by explaining to you as well as to Anniemagic exactly how it felt to be a child and keep my father's dirty secrets. We all know how my story turned out since I've told it often enough.

What is evident here is that you are effectively banking on a 16yr old keeping your secret, Need2. If I use my own Mother's behaviour as a role model, she did most certainly note a marked change in my relationship with my father shortly after I happened upon him in a compromising position with a neighbour. My behaviour around him changed. Kids and even teens are poor liars and mothers can spot it a mile away. My mother did question me rigorously about this. Knowing her daughter, she knew I was lying, and really very quickly deduced it was something about my father's indiscretions. Mother didnt know exact details but she certainly knew the basics. How long do you imagine your exMM's daughter will withstand her mother's questioning?

Remember what you were like as a teenager? A 16yr old? By virtue of simply being a teenage girl it is entirely natural to have issues and power struggles with your Mother. It's a coming of age, it's defining who you are within the world and your family. How long do you really believe a 16yr old is going to hang on to your secret for you?

At some point (ie, no allowance/pocket money this week, grounded, denied Mall privileges, stubbed her toe, etc), she's highly likely to throw your secret in her mother's face. Why? Because she's being taught how to manipulate so when things don't go her way, it's the first bombshell she's going to drop for maximum effect.

If you really want maximum arse coverage, then you'll tell your DH since it's a great deal better coming from you than from a seriously angry mother of a 16yr old who's just had a bombshell dropped in her lap.

As a matter of interest, you'll probably not be overly surprised to discover that I invariably advocate honesty for those attempting to rebuild with one's partner. A relationship based on continued lies seldom goes the distance. Furthermore, it's pretty unfair to the deceived partner to be deprived of the opportunity of making a real decision with regard to rebuilding when only some of the cards are on the table.

I'm also extremely curious about the Counsellor's stance on not informing the child's mother about crucial aspects of her child's therapy. If I put my hat on as a *mother* you can bet the ranch that when I found out, I'd certainly be seeking legal advice with regard to pressing every charge I possibly could on everyone concerned.

No one can guilt-trip you into doing the right thing, Need2. It would be refreshing and would go far in restoring many people's faith in humanity (including the 16yr old girl's) if the right choice were made regardless of personal cost. That would be an impressive life lesson, wouldn't it?

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 10:56am
Outstandig post, Posie! Dead on the money!

ataraxis

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 11:27am
Hiya Atty,

Thanks, hon, this is a rough thread for me. I'm striving, and striving *hard* to impart information & suggest scenarios which can only be tough to read, too.

If we avoid fully considering ALL the possible ramifications of this or even this type of scenario, and stick to the warm-fuzzies of our affairs, then irrepairable damage or as near as dammit is almost certainly the outcome.

It matters. It isn't just the participating adults who get caught in the cross-fire or step on the hidden landmines. What happens afterwards matters even more.

Posie

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