do i tell my husband?
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| Sat, 09-18-2004 - 4:19pm |
I am new to this! I had an emotional affair a couple years ago and told my husband about it...it devastated him more than words can ever say. We went to counseling and marriage building events...things were going well. THEN...just when things seem better...I fall in love with another guy. It escalated into a sexual affair and has gone on for three months now. I know I need it to end...and I am praying for help...I want to end it (and this is so very hard..but you all probably know exactly where I am). My husband is so clueless about this. I would first like support on making myself end this. But then...I want to know from you all...do I confess this to my hubby? There was one other physical night with another guy a few months back (purely physical--stupid encounter of mine). He doesn't know about either affair. Won't this just about kill him to know? Won't he want to know who and when and where and how and yada yada? How will he even be able to look at me?
RECAP--how do I make myself end my current affair? and is it ever a good idea to protect your husband from the knowledge of the affair if he doesn't catch you?
Thanks In Advance!

Welcome to this place. I STRONGLY recommend that you post and read frequently. We've all been (or are) where you are now, and there are some amazingly strong people who give awesome advice and see you through the tough spots. That is the first step- decide that you are finished with this and seek support.
You will see many posts in favor of NC- no contact. This is THE way to get over this. Sometimes situations (working together, etc.) don't allow for this completely, but you can stop all private correspondance immediately. Emails, phone, calls, IMs. It sounds drastic, but this board is proof that it is possible and it works. When we are involved in an affair, the high we get from it clouds our judgement and doesn't allow us to see things for what they are. When you still have contact, you don't allow yourself to truly close that door and begin to let the smoke clear. Trust me, I'm only 1 week into truly ending my A and even now I look back at old emails and encounters and say, "how could i have not seen what this really was? how could i do this?" YOU HAVE TO GET OUT TO BE ABLE TO HEAL!
Expect to go through the grieving stages AND unfortunately, withdrawal. It is not fun. You will crave him, you will get depressed, you will have mood swings and you will think you can not live without him. That's because these affairs are addictions, just like any other. It's not HIM. It's the high and the rush you get from it. Dopamine, etc. courses through your veins when you experience the rush of an affair. That's why this is your 3rd time. It won't help the withdrawal, but it will help in general to try to understand that this is a process we have all been through. The pain is real, but what most of us were attracted to was the fix we got from the attention we weren't otherwise getting. Just like breaking any other addiction, you just need to ride out the withdrawal. They will lessen with time, and eventually fade completely. But for now, buckle your seatbelt and get ready- they will come in waves.
In order to stop having these encounters, you REALLY need to address what void you are trying to fill by having them. I can't stress this enough. Whether it is a problem in your marriage or something internal, if you don't recognize it and address it, you will continue to seek attention and stimulation outside of your marriage. It's just that simple. You have to fix yourself and that rush won't be so attractive. Also, realize that real life will NEVER be 100% sexy. Your affair partners are a FANTASY, and that's all. I'm sure when you first met your husband, you felt that same intensity. People get comfortable and settled. That doesn't mean you shouldn't aim for that spark and passion in your marriage, but if you were in a legitimate relationship with the man you are having an affair with, that passion would fade just like it has with your H. Real life can never measure up to the fantasies in our heads. It just doesn't work that way. Figure out the issue in your marriage that leaves you desiring these other partners. THEN you can move on to a happy marriage and peaceful life.
Individual counseling works well, and marital counseling may be beneficial to you, too. Check into it. As for telling your husband, I would not. That was my decision in my situation, too. I have been tempted to, but I realize that would only help clear my conscious and cause him terrible pain. Not to mention promoting an atmosphere of doubt and mistrust for the rest of our lives. I would honor yourself and him by figuring out the root of your problem (what's missing) AND doing whatever you need to do to break this addiction.
This is a difficult process, but this board can get you through. I promise! I have learned so much here, and I would have never been able to really end my A without it. As I said, it's only been a week for me, and I have weak moments often, but the fog is lifting and I am feeling so much more positive about my decision AND excited to be working towards my dream marriage and life.
We are here for you!
Love, Lily
I agree with Lily, I would suggest holding off on telling your husband until you have addressed the issues you need to that have caused you to 1)have an EA 2)a one night stand 3)a full blown affair, there is clearly a common reason for these actions that needs to be fixed, I would suggest individual counceling as a start followed up by as much MC as is needed to deal with the marriage issues.
Good luck
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