do not understand/plain torn...

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
do not understand/plain torn...
24
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 12:24pm


My seven-month affair with MM officially ended March 2004. I am still married to my current spouse. What is disturbing me is prior to the affair, my husband and I were not getting along for three years, discussed divorce options.

After the affair ended, it appears my husband wants desperately to save, preserve the marriage. I am up for this...but he is not aware of the affair. Because of this lack of knowledge, I find it impossible for me to even work it out with my husband; I cannot be close to him without telling him. At the same time, I have NO INTENTION of ever telling him. For months I have been aloof, withdrawing from my husband...when he is trying to figure out what's wrong with me, etc.. I love my husband but I cannot and will not tell him the truth which is driving me further away. Also, I resent my husband for "ignoring" me emotionally/physically for years...now he wants to play all lovey-dovey? Deep down, I feel a divorce would help me in ridding of my guilt, etc.. Now, I am at a crossroads.

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Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 4:28pm
Hiya Sillyme,

<<>>

No probs, it's simply a topic which interests me greatly on many, many different levels.

<<>>

What are considered acceptable reasons?

Is it somehow more noble to evade responsibility if the arse you are covering is *not* your own but that of your co-conspirator? Or is this a method of justifying our actions?

You see, the problem is that noble protection of others can be effected by divulging the affair and simply refusing to disclose the name and/or whereabouts of the affair partner.

Of course, this necessitates that one is willing to face the consequences of their own actions but the primary objective of protecting the affair partner is achieved.

Sillyme, it only remains for me to say that I do genuinely value your thoughts & opinions on this as well as many other matters.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 10:41am
Posie,

Here's a situation that it would not be wise...your spouse is a violent person that would go after the other M or W and cause them harm, maybe even kill them.

Or another...your spouse is depressed and suicidal to begin with and it could push them over the edge.

Or the other person's spouse is the above, and you don't want them to know.

Really, there are situations where it's best not to reveal certain information.

Silly

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 12:03pm
<<<>>>

You are grasping now, Silly. If you, or anyone is married to someone this violent, then WHO in their "right" mind would cheat in the first place. Anyone married to such a beast best get out while you still can IMHO !!

BUT, here's my take on the telling thing. Lies have a way of sneaking up and biting you on the butt when least expected. Including those lies by omission. Don't you know that Sh*t floats? All the anchors in the land can't keep the lies down-under forever. Now OTOH, the truth will set you free. I thought everyone knew that? :) ;)

~True~

 

 

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 1:30pm
Hiya Sillyme,

At no point does one have to disclose one's affair partner's name. The affair partner is therefore protected. The one who discloses is then free to address the core issues with their own spouse/partner without any harm coming to the affair partner.

If my spouse was a violent person then I'd long since have been through the divorce courts. If your (general) spouse is violent you have far more pressing priorities; get yourself and your children (if any) SAFE - Worry about everything else AFTER that.

My spouse *was* depressed & suicidal. Our state of the marriage discussion and agreement to an indefinite separation is what prompted him to seek help. By sticking around and playing nursemaid, I actually enabled him to remain depressed & suicidal - This is an issue which has been addressed in great detail in both our individual and marriage counselling sessions. "I can only ever be responsible for my OWN actions and decisions," memorise that, Sillyme, it's enormously empowering and bestows great freedom upon those who truly accept it.

Again, the discloser has no obligation to name the affair partner so no harm would come to the affair partner yet the discloser remains free to address the core issues within him/herself and within the marriage/relationship. If the affair partner's spouse/partner is violent, I'd suggest the affair partner get out, get safe, & deal with everything else LATER.

If the affair partner's spouse/partner is depressed & suicidal, I'd suggest they both seek IC -AND- MC in order to deal with their own core issues as well as the issues which crop up as a result of one spouse/partner seeking to fill voids outside the marriage/relationship by choosing to have an affair. I'd still be in favour of revealing all even if it were in the presence of my partner's IC or our own MC. Once more, the discloser has no obligation to name the affair partner so no harm would come to the affair partner yet the discloser remains free to address the core issues within him/herself as well as the marriage/relationship.

<<>>

I understand implicitly that it is easier not to do so. I find it exceedingly difficult to fathom how any type of adequate rebuilding can occur if both parties have different sets of blueprints. Ignoring the problems, whether within the wandering spouse personally or in the marriage/relationship will not make those problems go away.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

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