Do other's know of your A?
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Do other's know of your A?
| Tue, 08-24-2010 - 6:36pm |
I continue to struggle with the fact that my A is known to other people in my community even though I had no day. My xap confided in someone whom he thought he could trust and that someone decided to talk to others about it. I am trying to put the whole thing behind me by continuing to put my H and family first. But there are times that my paranoid thoughts get the better of me. Has this happened to anybody else and if so, how are you handling it? It's amazing how our reputation can be destroyed from one mistake after devoting 30 of my life to my H and kids.

Hard words coming:
It's amazing how our reputation can be destroyed from one mistake after devoting 30 of my life to my H and kids.
Which reputation are talking about? The truth or the lies that you led people to believe that you were?
Has this happened to anybody else and if so, how are you handling it?
Yes!!! Paranoid is a good word for it. Several of my friends realized what was going on, and my closest friend and I used to discuss it regularly. His point was the "get out while you can, and before you get caught" routine and I kept going back, like a fool that was addicted. Before I went NC with her, my friend and I had falling out that has never recovered.
NC now with two people. He
We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.
Hi Actingasif,
Yes, most of my friends know.
Let me tell you about people knowing....my situation is about as bad as it gets.
I live in a very small community, but there are also surrounding small towns.
Wow!!! Crazy stuff. A lot of people knew of my A. Including 99%plus certainty both our spouses. Although neither spouse ever challenged us for a real DD. (???)
It made me feel creepy. But I think it was far worse for her. Although she used to say she didn't care, she wanted to get caught and then we would be together.
And of course you can all
Muddy Waters
Ratherbeme,
The reputation I'm talking about is the one I had before my A. A loving, devoted wife and mother. A person you could confide in and trust with your problems. A good friend. I didn't lead anybody except my H to believe in my lies. I didn't lie to anybody else. I didn't have to because my children are grown and out of the house. I rarely had to lie to H because his job keeps him gone most of the time. He never asked questions because I WAS trustworthy. Note; WAS. Maybe I'm not understanding your question Rather.
Hello,
Our spouses, close friends & colleagues. We were both supported with our feelings of loss and grief when the affair ended, and no one treated us differently for knowing. No one was surprised.
TU.
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Hi,
Nobody is treating my differently. It is my own insecurity that gets the better of me. Just knowing that people know what I have done, has done a number on my self esteem. I will continue to try to get past these feelings. I have always been one to care about what others think of me. I don't know why. One would think that after a certain age we grow out of this. Day by day.
Thanks!
Sorry acting (-:
I should have replied ALL - didn't notice it was going to you directly!
I think we all feel differently about others'"knowing" based on lots of complex factors: how did people come to know, was there a DDay, what are people's politics, social norms in your circle, expectations etc... My circle of support is very liberal and understanding. We all work with different segments of the population, segments that most people would think didn't matter: drug users, offenders, homeless etc... so tolerance, understanding, and forgiveness of self & others is pretty core to the work. We don't belong to a religious organization and our spouses didn't try to make life harder on either of us - we were doing a good job of self-loathing. I am also not one to carry a lot of shame. Sometimes I feel overwhelming regret and responsibility for the pain I have caused, but not so deep down, I know that we all make mistakes, and I know that I never intentionally tried to hurt anyone. I was a hurting & wounded individual who needed support and understanding to heal and close that door on the affair - that's what my network realized. Anyone other than them, I could give a flying Fu*K about. I have lived long enough to know that we all have stories we wouldn't be proud to share ... just some of them get shared, while others don't.
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou