Do they come back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Do they come back?
11
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 8:16am
Question for y'all... Do these men come back?

My A ended because he said he chose his fiance because they are getting married in May, and he didn't want to start over. They don't have a good relationship where he could even tell her he wasn't happy. I want to move on, but have a HUGE fear of moving on and him coming back when I am with someone else. Do they usually come back? I did think for awhile that he would leave, becuase there was times where he didn't care if she caught him with me. Heck, she did catch me with him, and still stays. What is y'all's experience with these men coming back?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: jlt242
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 11:02am
My experience is that yes, they do come back. MM tried to break up with me just over a year ago. Said he wasn't trying hard enough with W because of R with me. I said can we still be friends and talk. He said of course so. Well it wasn't even 2 weeks that time, and we were back together.

Then last fall, went thru 8 week NC period. He started it, did not say anything to indicate that it was going to happen. Last time we talked, was to talk about getting together the next week.

Well, that NC lasted 8 weeks, then out of the blue one day, I hear from him again. And we get back together.

Fast forward to today. I haven't talked to him since last Tuesday. At that time he said we should get together this week. Well, I haven't even heard from him all week long!!

But my gut feeling is that he will be back. I think they sometimes feel guilty about W or whatever, but that fact is, things don't change that dramatically. But I think that once in a while, they feel that they have to give it a try anyways at home.

And when they realize that its not going to change at home, they come back to you.

That's why I'm not really too worried right now, although I will admit I am a little pissed at him. But I KNOW his W is not all of sudden going to turn into a sex goddess (which is what he called me).

So I'll just bide my time, and hopefully hear from him soon.

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
In reply to: jlt242
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 5:29pm
Here's the thing...they do come back and we always let them. From my experience, however, the relationship just keeps getting worse. We ended our affair "permanently" for about the 10th time almost two months ago. He kept calling, we kept fighting, and finally I definitely told him not to call again. Two weeks later he calls to tell me that he and his wife are seeing a mediator to work out the details of the divorce. Things have been horrible between them....even though he told me when we broke up that things were going better and he thought he could make his marriage work. However, our relationship is not even close to what it was before. Maybe it will be at some point when he's feeling more stable about his life but I sometimes wonder if we've damaged our relationship beyond repair. The thing I do know is that I am trying my hardest to live my life and be happy and not stress out or worry about his situation.

I've been reading "Loving Him without Losing You." In some ways the book describes my affair to a "T"...there were time when we were fighting that I honestly thought that I couldn't live without him...and didn't want to. I just felt I had no internal resources to pull on to get through the ending of the affair. Things are better now...but some days are still a struggle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
In reply to: jlt242
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 6:36pm
I keep wondering the same thing if my MM will come back. For 8 months this man was telling me he loved me wanted to be with me and spend the rest of our lives together. He was always telling me to keep the faith and that we were going to be together that this was the first time he had ever been in love, really truely in love. We were together almost everyday for 3 or more hours. We spent the evening together then the next day him and his wife stop me and he tells me he wants it over and done with once and for all he loves his wife. They have 2 kids and money involved, so 2 days later I try finding out what happen he said he didn't want to be with me was going to make his marriage better than its ever been so I walked away. Didn't talk to him for 2 months then I called because rumors were spreading like wildfire when nobody was going to know about the whole A. When I called he said you know how I feel and I know how you feel he said this 3 times said he had to go to counceling said it was a waste of time that he hurt so bad about us and he was very sorry for hurting me then he said he had to go, I told him I would stay out of his life and wished him the best. So now I wonder everyday will he ever try contacting me or does he really want to fix his marriage. I know she is very controlling and he fears losing his kids and his financial security. Do you think he will come back or am I wishing for something thats never going to happen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jlt242
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 7:42pm
Honey he may be cheating on you too. From what you have said, he stays away much too long and then comes back. That puts into mind that he may be enjoying someone else.

If you stick around the house waiting for his phone call, you are wasting precious time you could be enjoying doing something you like. The OW can literally deprive herself of other pleasures just to wait for her lover to call. Now how smart is that? He is probably out having a ball while you are in agony waiting for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
In reply to: jlt242
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 10:20pm
My experience over the past five years is that yes, they do come back. But I'm also realizing that they (MM) talk out of both sides of their mouths. When my MM was going through a rough time (losing his job and nearly his house), he professed how much he needed me and that if it weren't for his young daughter at home, he would leave his lazy W for me. Fast forward several months later...his 'spendaholic' W actually got a full time job with bennies, lost 50 lbs, and things have now gotten so much better for him on the homefront (and this after he saw a text message on her phone from what appeared to be her lover). My home life in the meantime was and still is falling apart, including the loss of my job, having my sick sister move in with me after being diagnosed with cancer, and my M continuing to take a tumble further down the tubes. The roles somehow began to reverse where I was now the 'needy one.' Rather than getting support from him, I was told that he was having a 'meltdown' over everything that's going on and that he needed his space (condensed version, but you get my drift). I'm trying very hard not to be bitter towards men, but it is really difficult right now. This all happened just this past week and already he is calling me again wanting to get together. I'm turning him down at this point and although I still love him, I'm tired of his #@$%. I'm feeling more ready now to move on with my life (wherever that may lead). I question what has happened to my self-respect, and I know I need to find that side of myself again and heal. Maybe I needed that slap in the face to wake up, but it surely does hurt. So I guess if he does come back to you, you should ask yourself first if you really want him back. I apologize if my comments are a little negative right now, it's just that my feelings are very raw. Try to protect your heart first before considering letting him back into your life.

Virgogirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
In reply to: jlt242
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 7:46am
Before I answer this question, I have some for you. Are you working at a job you love? Do you have close relationships with many different kinds of people? Do you have hobbies that keep your mind occupied? Do you volunteer your time to an organization that needs help?

The reason I ask is if I say "yes" they do come back and you do not have a solid, fulfilled life on your own I do not want you to wait for a MM who has a lot on his plate.

No MM is the same. They share lots of similar traits but what makes one MM leave home is what makes another MM stay with his W.

My MM is TERRIFIED to be poor. They have a fabulous house in a pricy neighborhood. A healthy balances in their retirement accounts and he cannot bring himself to leave even though he lives in a state where there is an equal property division. (Almost 20 years of marriage) Ironically the longer they are together the equity continues to grow. He even found out that she had a secret money market account without his name on it and he didnt leave.

He is miserable so he works more. That is his way of coping. My way of coping with him is to be supportive (the sexual part of our relationship ended a long time ago) but I had to move on with my life. Dont get me wrong, I still believe that he is/was "it", but I have too much respect for myself to sit around and wait for him.

In the time since our "thing" ended I have learned that I want a man in my life that knows, says and most importantly DOES what he wants in a timely manner.

I think you might find writing in a journal helpful. Put every thought you have on paper for 2 weeks. (It is easier that a diet!) After the 2 weeks, sit down and re-read what you've read. Writing in a journal is like free therapy because you get the thought out of your head for a bit.

Life is too short to put 1 minute of it on hold.

JMHO

aquagirl

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jlt242
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 11:53pm
That's great advice. I couldn't have said it better myself. I would add just one more thing though, that rather than ask if they come back maybe you should consider asking do they ever come back free and 100% available to be with someone. Or, do they ever divorce their wives and work on themselves for a while before trying to start up a relationship with you.

My ex-MM came back to me about three months after I left him, but nothing had changed! He was even going to leave his wife, a second time, but nothing had changed. He was still as undecided as ever and wouldn't really tell me what was going on between them.

So yes, they do come back, but it's usually just to have the same old cake-eating relationship. You deserve better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
In reply to: jlt242
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 8:20am
I am 25 years old, a single mom and a job i love. I am fulfilled in that way, but I guess he filled a void that was missing. I'd put off men for awhile because I got pregnant at 17, and still wanted to get a bachelor's degree. I've really thought about why I allowed him into my life, and understand that it was a rebound thing. However, he's getting married in a month, and we just ended our thing 2 weeks ago. He said he chose her. Which is fine for me, however, I don't want him to come back. I need to be able to move on and be happy. I guess my question was to prepare me for what I know... after the honeymoon stage is over, he will call. Or at least think about calling. Because there was obviously somehting missing in their relationship for me to exist in his life anyhow. I do know that I deserve better, and that's why I gave him an ultimatim. Her or me, and he picked her. He wouldn't say why, and I think it was because he was comfortable. We watched SEx and the City together, aand he said so many times that I was Carrie, and he was Big. The last episode came, and he cried because he said he wished he had the guts to do what Big did. He told me that I was "the one". HE even said he told her that.

I don't want this man in my life. I don't feel as though I "lost" because I learned valuable lessons about myself, other people, and life in general. I cannot live a lie. I cannot go around with secrets. It brings me down to a place I don't want to be. And for me, I am just too strong and have been throught too much to allow him to get to me. I just don't want to have to deal with him in the future. I am moving on. All the best to him... cause he's going to need it!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
In reply to: jlt242
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 12:54pm
I have always found men (boyfriends and one xMM years ago) to come back into my life -even with proposals of marriage in some cases- only after I had moved on emotionally. Its like they could sense that I was no longer dependent on them. Maybe they go into "panic" mode or something and are forced to think of living without you - forever. Or perhaps they find the fact that you don't "need" them anymore attractive. Who knows??! Years ago when I was single dating someone who was separated, he only moved forward with the divorce after he knew he was loosing me to someone else. I had tried leaving him for years prior to that and even dated other people - but my heart was always with him and he knew this. I have also had two other marriage proposals in similiar situations. The problem is you can't fake this indifference! They can tell! Also, I am currently married and have been trying for years to get my husband into marriage counseling and to correct some destructive behavior to our marriage. Its only been in the last few months since I have given up emotionally and really don't care anymore that he is jumping through hoops. Men..you gotta love 'em but they are strange creatures :). Has anyone else experienced this? Myabe its just something about me or the men I have loved.

But my advice, for anyone single and in love with a married man, you've got to let go if you think there is any chance for a long term relationship. He needs to experience life without you and find out if he can be happy with just his wife. He'll never make a decision if you are around - he's got it all - at least as good as it gets in that situation. If he doesn't leave, well then he didn't love you enough or either he really did love his wife - at least enough to stick it out for the kids or finances or whatever his reasons have been for not leaving. Just my opinion (and experience).
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
In reply to: jlt242
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 1:07pm
I think your post speaks volumns. My ex husband left me 14 years ago.

He has actually told me that the minute he realized that he had lost me emotionally he was devastated and wanted me back. Still to this day he tries (or at least to try to get me in the sack! lol) Doesn't work....when it is gone, it's gone. It all goes back to the theory that people are more intrigued with what they can't have. And you are right....you can't play it as a game. Somehow, they know better.

Pages