Do they come back? Ever?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2004
Do they come back? Ever?
8
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 3:19pm

My MM had moved out of his home. Each day was spent with me. We had plans, promises, etc...

Well, out of the blue, he called. Tells me he is so confused, with two children, the wife, house, bills, etc. Lots of details. He says he is going out of his mind with stress, from all angles.

He has been honest and upfront with me from Day One. He did go back home last night, the kids were really upset since he had left. He tells me that he needs to think this out, to do it on his own, and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. He says he wants me to give him time.

Well, I am NOT as dumb as I might seem. I know that there is a 99.9% chance that he is going back to her. He had contemplated leaving her for 5 years.

I'm not sure if they WILL work things out in the long run...but I am just wanting to know what I should expect next.

Do men usually come back to the A? He isn't the type cut out for an A. He was faithful for 11 years even though he wasn't happy. I feel like I have died. I cry all the time. I want him. I went from Cloud 9 to the depths of Hell in a matter of a few hours.

Do I give him space and time? I have not contacted him although I answer when he calls. I am going out of my mind and I have never known such pain, even though I have lived through my own divorce and am in my late 30's. This is the worst I have ever felt in my life.

~ :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 3:52pm

Wow, I just lived out your scenario. Except he did leave the woman and we started a relationship. I was totally in love with him, hook, line and sinker. Then on Jan 1 he told me the same thing. He has a son and said he thought he had ruined his life and he thought maybe he missed his wife. But he said he wasn't sure, he didn't know if he missed her, his son's mom or family life. So he said he wanted to stop hurting people and make up his mind what he wanted. I waited 2 weeks, crying my eyes out. Then finally I went to see him and he said he felt nothing for me. All the feelings and emotions for me was gone he said. That hurt so bad. How could it just change, I guess the guilt of it all. Then as time went on I knew they were talking and it really hurt. I don't think they are together though, she found out that he had been with women before me. They were together 16 yrs and for the last 10 he was with different women. He probably had someone when he was with me. The W said he did but she could have been saying it to hurt me. Anyway, if he did come back could you trust that he wouldn't wake up another day down the road and need 'space' again? That was my question to myself. He is on stress leave now so I don't see him and that's a good thing for me.

'He has been honest and upfront with me from Day One. He did go back home last night, the kids were really upset since he had left. He tells me that he needs to think this out, to do it on his own, and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. He says he wants me to give him time.'
That was almost exactly what he said to me. OMG, I can't believe it. Why is it all about them. I thought he was honest and upfront with me too. I could tell when he lied to other people and one time he tried lying to me and I caught him. So I thought he was honest especially after that but I don't know, I think I let my defenses down and he knew it. The plans the promises, I hear ya! We were going to buy furniture for his house and in Feb we were ordering our Nascar tickets and everything. He even got upset with me when I wouldn't agree to move in with him in the spring. I said we needed more time and maybe the fall would be better. He got so upset we had to agree not to talk about it.

My advice is run. I wish someone could have told me how these things turn out before I got in deep. It lasted just over 2 years for us. I waited and waited and waited and it was always about him and how difficult life was for him. Never how hard things were for me. He would get upset if I talked about dating until he made up his mind about his wife. Please learn from what the others here have been thru. It's hell but if you keep waiting then you lose pieces of your soul and spirit and it's hard to recover. I'm speaking from experience. Someone wrote something about supression and it is a perfect explanation of how you feel when you wait. I'll never ever do that again. I deserve and want so much more.

Run, Run, Run and run fast. Get out your Nike's.

still broken hearted
Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2004
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 4:00pm

Thanks Robin.

He told me that he isn't "sure" that he is going back, yeah right! Last week, he was never going to speak to her again until the lawyers did. He had seen a lawyer about a divorce.

We had BIG plans for this weekend and this "stress" hit him while I was getting ready for our "plans". He usually called me 20 or more times per day, and today is the FIRST day in months that I haven't heard from him. In a matter of 3 hours, his phone calls went from "I love you" to "I need time".

I know that his family is pressuring him to "do the right thing". I just PRAY that he regrets his decision to go back to her. I really do. I hope he ends up just as unhappy as he was before he met me. That seems evil to say, but he didn't seem to concerned about my feelings. What I was going through.

We had a good day if all was good with him. If he was down, "we" were down. I am going through my own personal hell but didn't burden him with that.

Oh no, I just gave him mind-blowing sex, home cooked meals, flowers, an open ear, and my heart. I'd just like my stuff back now!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 4:22pm

I can't help but cry right now for you. My MM did the same with me. Called 10 times a day, if he didn't reach me at home then he would call my cell until I answered. Text messages all the time, about 200 per month. He signed the divorce papers with her b/c she wanted her money to buy a new car but it's not legal until a year. It's just a separation for now and that can change.

We had the same days, up if he was and down when he was. Oh I had hard times too but it wasn't about that. My grandmother died, my father went in H for renal failure and my close friend got hit by a taxi in Montreal. But we needed to talk about his dilema of whether or not he was going to leave her and when could we meet again this week for sex. Yup. selfish are they. God, it's weird how it's all the same. If he had a twin, I would say it's your MM.

you can email any time or come back here, the people here are awesome and wise.

LilRocket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2005
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 4:32pm
NA


Edited 3/1/2005 6:35 pm ET ET by downheartedscarlet
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 4:44pm

When I think about it and read all your posts, mine was selfish too. Always whining about how confused he was, how sad he was, how he needed to make up his mind and stop hurting everyone.

It slowly got to the point where even though he had moved out, he was spending more and more time back at their home because of the kids. Our time was getting less and less because he was feeling guilty for abandoning the kids. But he would make sure he could find a few hours to come over for sex, then had to rush off to be with the kids again.

When I think about it, he never truly cared about how I felt. Everything was about him and his needs and what he was going to lose if he divorced her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2004
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 4:50pm

Hmmmmm.....I would take him back for those few hours of sex! Isn't that pathetic of me???? I am physically in PAIN right now and honestly would open my door if he was there just for a booty call. Unfortunately, he was never just about the sex.

He isn't even good in bed! Now THAT IS FUNNY! I know that he hasn't ever had it like we did. He is intimidated in the bedroom, I'm sure of that. I just want him in my arms again and someone should shoot me in the head for thinking and feeling this way.

That's one reason I don't think he'll be back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2005
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 4:53pm
NA


Edited 3/1/2005 6:34 pm ET ET by downheartedscarlet
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 4:54pm

looks like he can have time if he wanted sex

max