Do they ever change?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Do they ever change?
5
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 1:02pm
I've come out of lurking to pose this question. Do the xMM ever really change? I've experienced this and read alot about the men who decide to dump their OW and end the A because they want to give their marriage and W another chance. But if the problems existed BEFORE the A and have nothing really to do with the A, what are the chances of them changing? My xMM marriage had problems for years before our A and then he decides to end our A late last year. Nothing has changed in their marriage since then, although he is rededicating himself to it once again by not having any contact with me. IMO they have a very disastrous and damaging marriage but if he wants to work on it again (for probably the hundredth time since they married 10 years ago) that's up to him. But at this point, what are the odds that things can change for the better?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 3:13pm
This is probably not what you want to hear but since i am one of the MW who left her single Om to work on my marriage.

My M was not a disaster before my A. Not all MM/MW that get involved in A's are in bad marriages. Sometimes, like in my case, you just need more or something different. I married at 23- had a baby at 22 and pursued my career to exceed even my expectations. Then last year, i needed to slow down, take a step back.

I am not saying my m was prfect, no it wasn't or is but who's is? But, istead of working on these problems, mine and dh's, i ran away from them. I now realize that it was not fair for him to be giving 150% and me nothing. At the end of the day, I married him because i love him. Now, if i met Om before Dh, maybe he and i would be together. but who's to say i wouldn't have had an A with someone else.

I am takig resposibility for my A in trying to fix things at home. Because as much as OW and you don't want to realize it, that is whom i go home to every night. that is the peron that has seen me in 17 hours of labor and told me i was his star. That was the man who saw me through losing a baby at 5 months pregnant. nothing om can do can take that back. It's history and that's why i chose to go back home.

I can only speak for myself in this so please don't take it the wrong way. These are my feelings, your MM's might be different. but if you love him you must respect his wishes and let him make these decisions on his own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 4:54pm
I think whether or not the M or W involved have children is a big variable in all of this as well. I was having an affair with someone who ultimately decided to stay in the M because of his children. He couldn't bear the thought of loosing the day to day contact/relationship with them. And honestly, as a woman I can certainly respect that. Its different for women - in most cases the woman will retain custody of the children. I was (and still am) strongly considering divorce from my husband right not. But, I could tell you, if it meant not living with my children - I wouldn't be considering it for a moment - no matter what.

I also read on another website the results of an online survey asking about happiness in your current marriage. Over 60% of respondents said that they were either on the brink of divorce or staying strictly because of the kids ( I think that was 28% - and I would imagine most of those were men). Only 7% said they were happy with the marriage just the way it was. Really depressing!

Just some of my thoughts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 6:22pm
I agree those statistics are disturbing. People are so afraid of being alone that they'll stay in a miserable marriage and will find many excuses to justify it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 6:25pm
This is a great question, and a great thread...I have wondered this countless times myself, as OM had ended and resumed our A several times. The factors that lead him to me in the first place (whatever those might be)are still present in his R and are causing him to continue to pursue an A with me.

My OM is engaged, and although I do not care for her, I feel some sympathy for his fiancee' because she has no idea what she is getting herself into with him. I suppose things can change, but it's not too likely...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 1:48pm
Yes some MM that do end their A's and go back to the marriage and do change. They change because they do not want to lose their spouse and the discovery of the A was a major wake up call to either fix their marriage or there will be no marriage.

I know it is not what you want to hear but in my case that is how it worked out. I seriously do not believe a spouse that was cheated, lied to and left alone while her dh was out dating another person would stay together for the kids. I could not live with someone who did not love me and respect me...not would I stay with someone who I knew was not going to work on our marriage to make us both happy.

Both the BS and the cheated on spouse have to want to make their marriage work I really do not believe that the MM you are talking about could still have the same marriage as before the discovery of the A...because in my case it tore our lives in pieces and it took the both of us to want to put it together with tons of counseling...and yes...love.

I think it is rare that after discovering an A and the spouse knows everything about it they would just go along with the marriage for the sake of the children. The majority of marriages end right there unless the BS is willing to change.

I think any WS that goes back to the marriage for strictly the children and does not love his wife deserves to be miserable. It just seems unrealistic the spouse would want to be with a person who hurt them and to top it off continues to hurt them.

When the WS goes back to his W/Dh because they realize they do not want to lose them and that they still love them and go through counseling and work on rebuilding the marriage it can work and make the couple and marriage stronger then before.

Lives are complicated...marriage is complicated....some people run away....some stick around...it is easier to run away but in honestly people can never really run away from their problems...somehow they follow them from one relationship to the next because they never "fixed" the initial one.

Look at it this way...better he stay in his M and not fix it and be miserable instead of entering a M with you and still having his "issues" which in real everyday married life after kids etc...would return to the surface....so you are the fortunate one!!!