Do they ever come back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Do they ever come back?
4
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 12:47pm

I met my xMM while we were working on a work project together. The project lasted 3 months, but we ended up forming a deep friendship and remained in contact for the next 15 months.

From our very first phone conversation we had clicked and we felt an instant connection to one another. We shared all kinds of crazy coincidents, had a ton in common, finished each other sentences and could talk to each other about everything. The unusual part is that for a relationship that lasated 18 months, we only saw each other 4 times, the first time was a few weeks into our project and he had to come to my house to pick up materials, the next time was 6 weeks later to return the materials, the next time was to meet me for breakfast to give me a few gifts as a thank you for my help and the final time he took me to my favorite restaurant for lunch and it got physical.

Before anything even happened he was asking me when we were going to see each other again. We did not sleep together and it was pretty tame by most people's standards, but it was more than I've ever done with anyone who wasn't my husband in the 10 yrs that I'm married. Being with him was like nothing I've ever experienced before, it was just so real. I had realized a few months into our relationship that I fell for this guy, but when he kissed me, I knew it was real. He kept telling me over and over that he wanted to see me again.

Right after our lunch he realized he made a mistake and wrote me a long letter. He doesn't want to jeopardize his career and he has 2 small children at home that he doesn't want to be without. He never once said he loved his wife or even cared about hurting her. His career is a major part of who he is and he can't risk losing it by being with me.

But, how can someone young live the rest of their life knowing they are not with the person who will make them happy? He didn't say that I make him happy, but I can tell that I did and I know that his wife doesn't for sure. Eventually he'd be able to leave her and have it not effect his job, but I can't count on anything. He told me that we should both get on with our lives and for the past 6 months I've tried really hard, but these feelings won't go away. I still think about him all of the time and I still want him to change his mind regarding our relationship.

If anyone out there knows of any good tips or words of wisdom, I'd love to hear it because I'll try anything. Thanks~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 7:45pm

Bye

Individula counceling, to find out were these emotions and thoughts are comeing from.

You said that it is REAL, the truth is more then likely it is no were near being real, the truth is you know nothing about him and his wife and there relationship.
The truth is you know almost nothing about him and what you do know is what he wanted you to know spun out his way.

What you do know about him is that he HAS NO PROBLEM CHEATING ON HIS WIFE AND GOING AFTER MARRIED WOEMEN, these are not good things.

Time to leave the fantasy behind and start dealing with your real life and family they miss you.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 10:55pm

Free,

I'm sorry, but have we met? No I didn't think so. Just wondering why you think you know me and my relationship because you certainly make a lot of assumptions and judgements on this matter.

Number one, I do know a lot about his relationship with his wife as he has told me at great length. Number two, I do know a lot about this man as well. We had been in constant contact for 18 months talking on every topic in the world. Why do you assume that I don't know anything about him or his life.

<The truth is you know almost nothing about him and what you do know is what he wanted you to know spun out his way.>>

And how in the world would you know what the truth is? You don't know me or this man, you haven't a clue what you are talking about. Maybe you are talking about your own personal experience, but certainly not mine.

<> is another huge and grossly inaccurate assumption on your part. I'm dealing with my real life everyday. I'm a stay at home mom who's world is centered on my kids. I'm an active and intergral part of their lives. I give them 110% of me every day, all day.

You sound like an angry, bitter person. I guess I made a mistake by posting something on this board.

By the way, you also need to acquire a spell check and a grammar check, you write like an illiterate.
BYE!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 11:34pm

I am going to assume your the origional poster under a different screen name for some reason, it is possible that your some twit just trying to get a rise out of me sorry not going to work.

You dont't know anything he did not tell you and guess what when people cheat on there spouse most have no problem lieing to the OP, creating the picture they want them to see, that picture suits there purposes.

Like I said the only thing you do know for sure that you have actual evidence to support is that he likes to play around on the side.

Your story is very very common not one thing special or different about it, there have been hundreds just like it posted here and at the affairs support board.

This is an ending an affair support board if your looking for support to dive in you may find the other board more suits your purposes.

One last thought for you, when you heart and mind is in another mans bed you are absent from your family you may not notice it but they do, also when you are married with children and you CHEAT your not just cheating on your husband your cheating on your whole family.

Bye

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 11:58pm

Hiya GB,

Firstly, welcome to the board - It's sad that you've needed to find us but we're glad you have if you do.

After reading your post, I guess my initial question would be something along the lines of:- Why do you want to end your affair?

Since you'll often read the term "cakeman", this article is almost mandatory reading for this board:- http://gloryb.com/articles/cakeman.html And yes, there are also Cakewomen - I was one since a number of the definitions described me whilst in my affair.

Take some time and read through the posts here, current as well as older ones. You'll see a fairly common theme of believing that my affair is special, different, unique. You will also likely be struck at just how many similarities there are in your own different/unique affair to a rather large portion of the different/unique affairs described in the posts here.

Another common theme is analysing what our affair partner saying to the point that we can pretty much believe whatever it is we want to believe which seldom resembles anything like what he/she actually said let alone meant. Sometimes, our affair partners actually say what they mean.

As for tips and/or words of wisdom, this seems appropriate:-

"Words of Hope" (author unknown)

"To be left by someone we love is to experience a break in the heart's flow. To be left is to endure unanswered questions, to feel fear, anger, rejection, grief. It is life in the passive tense: We did not leave — we were left.

Spiritual separation, when the bond of two spirits has been severed by someone else's choice, hurts badly. Where is the hope? How do we go on? At its most painful, being left even brings the question, "Do I want to go on?" Once we answer yes to this, we can start to heal. We can choose to accept what is. We can find our way with the help of God's grace and the support of people who love us and want us in their lives.

To yield to someone's wish to end a relationship is an act of respect. To want the best for someone, even when it means enduring our own loss, is an act of love.

Honestly grieving the loss of someone is a sign that I am already beginning to heal."

Finally, support comes in all kinds of guises, GB. Some of us will offer cyber-huggies or kissies, while some of us will be the friend that tells you flat-out that your arse looks big in that get-up. I (amongst others) tend to be the latter type of supporter, however, BOTH types of support have equal merit to my mind.

Many of us are at the same starting point as you, some are behind you, some ahead, and some of us are reaching the end of our paths towards healing & recovery. The type of support we are able to give is often coloured by where we are on that path. Equally our location on that path colours our ability to absorb what can be some rather stark & unpleasant home truths. The important thing to remember is that we are all on that very same path.

If we can keep our minds open, we can all learn from one another as we offer our own individual types of support.

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie