Do unto others as they do unto you?
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| Thu, 04-01-2004 - 2:18pm |
A couple of weeks ago I found out my husband was having an affair. I had found some emails from a girl he worked with and let me just say it was obvious that they were together or thinking about it. I was hysterical for about 2 days, then I just got more mad after it was all said and done. He told me that he wasn't seeing her, but he still works with her. I said I believed him, but deep down inside I didn't.
I started to think, well, if he is going to cheat on me, i will cheat on him. I was so mad and focused on getting him back I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I posted an ad at an online dating site and soon enough I had guys fighting over me. It was so empowering knowing that I could have any of these guys, and especially after what my husband had done. I started to talk to one particular guy, and I soon became attached. He treated me so differently from my husband, and I liked that. But all I wanted to do was make my husband feel my pain, I didn't actually want to have and affair. . What I didn't get was that it was the same thing even if you don't sleep with them. It still hurts just as much, if not more.
Now my husband has caught on, and he is hurt. I tried to tell him that he has no room to talk and that i didn't even cheat on him-- i just wanted to show him what it felt like. But there is only one problem. This guy is wonderful. I haven't even met him! I have second thoughts about why I got married. I can't stop thinking about him, and I can't wait until the next time we talk. He doesn't know what is going on, and he doesn't even know I'm married. I feel awful! He wants to meet me and that's all he talks about. I can't keep stalling and making up excuses. I feel like I care about him, but I know that the feeling is only temporary, and I know I love my husband. He keeps calling me when my husband is around, and that just makes it worse. I don't want to hurt him, I have thought about just not returning his calls and see if he just lets it go... but he seems like he really liked me. I can't seem to call it off. And even more-- tell him the truth.
But after all this has happened, I have forgot the pain my husband caused me. I don't even care if he is cheating, which I just don't get. I am so conflicted and I just need some advice and I needed to get that off of my chest.
Thanks for reading this and I appreciate any advice you have from your experiences.

1. I'm sorry that your h cheated on you and you found out the way he did, but that does not justify you going out and doing the same. However, I understand your pain...and really I'm not judging you--next time--think! because.....
2. YOU SEE how easy it is to get into these things. Please use this understanding to be gentle to your husband
3. Rarely people walk away from a good marriage---something was lacking. You need to look at YOUR contribution to why your husband strayed (on a very RARE occasion, its one sided...but most of the time its not, and unless the other party is willing to own up to it, it will resurface, again and again.) You already know PART of the reason why YOU did, but I don't believe that may be all of it.
4. You CANNOT say if this OM is wonderful or not...you haven't even MET him, more or less lived with him, day in/day out. ANYONE can seem wonderful when you haven't seen them at their worst.
5. THERAPY, THERAPY, THERAPY (both marital and individual).
6. Regardless of who hurt who first...you hurt your husband and you need to make amends and not to blame. (same goes for him)
7. A healthy relationship is built upon honesty.....with OM it is built on LIES. He doesn't even know you're married??? I doubt if he would be pleased when (or if)he finds out. You NEED to be honest with him (and yourself).
8. Your pain is apparent and it is raw. You say you don't care anymore if your h is cheating? I say, BULL! Your affair is masking the pain of your h's affair...and trust me it will rear its ugly head--and when it does, it will be at the time when the affair ends, and by then you might have no one left. But keep in mind that happiness comes from within, not from the outside. Big ouchie!
9. Emotional affairs are JUST if not MORE painful then physical affairs. Your heart is easily bruised. If you are hurting, please try to consider how OM is going to feel if you continue this.
These are just some random thoughts...I hope it doesn't come across as abrasive--its not meant to be.
big hugs...post often
dharma
You gave me just what I needed! You are so right about everything--- I just needed a kick in the butt so I could really see how to get over all of this. This guy isn't wonderful-- he is just the opposite because I don't even know him. And you are so right about him getting mad when I told him I was married (I totally lied to him- of course he would get mad!!!!!). There is no substance in this "relationship" at all, its just a diversion that keeps me from the pain I have to face. What I did was wrong, and now I have to stand up and face reality!
Thanks again!
Rachel